Friday, February 08, 2008

The Mama Gin Files: Christmas Edition

Although the 2007 Christmas season has already come and gone, some of my Gentle Readers have indicated to me that it's never too late for a Mama Gin Files: Christmas Edition video.

Today's installment, recorded the day Poor George and I left to visit my parents in Illinois, features Mama Gin in one of her classic OCD-laden moments of repeated Q&A.

The knowledge that we will be traveling usually puts Mama Gin into such a state of panic that she doesn't allow us one moment's peace until we are safely locked away in a taxi and en route to the airport. Therefore, Poor George always delays telling her we are leaving until hours before our departure, at which point we hunker down in preparation for dealing with Mama Gin and her anxious banter.

In today's episode Poor George has just delivered the news of our departure to Mama Gin. She stands in our doorway as we take down our Martha Stewart Snowbird Mountain Christmas tree (a cat prevention measure) and repeatedly questions us as to the times and dates of both our departure and return. There is also of course mention of the requisite "get marry have baby" directive, without which no episode of The Mama Gin Files could ever be complete.

An approximate transcript is provided to assist those of you unable to decipher Mama Gin's high pitched accent.

Enjoy.




Mama Gin: (Chinese, and something about PG's sister Ruby not being there to help)

CP: You can call Ruby if you have a problem while we're gone.

MG: I call Ruby, Ruby all the time not answer the phone.

CP: You call her and she doesn't answer?

MG: Yeah. (In Chinese she tells George her phone is broken.)

Poor George: Your phone works. There's nothing wrong. The phone is fine, I pay the phone bills. The phone is fine.

MG: You go and what day come home?

CP: We told you, January 2nd.

MG: Eh?

CP: We come home January 2nd.

MG: What day you come home?

PG: January 2. (In Chinese, January 2)

MG: Eh?

CP: January.

MG: February?

CP: No, no, we're coming back in January, right after New Year's.

MG: January?

CP: Yeah.

MG: January? What day?

CP: 2. January 2.

MG: January 2?

CP: Yes.

MG: New year?

CP: Yeah. That's why we're taking the tree down today. Becky's going to be staying here with the cats, and we don't want the cats to ruin the tree while she's here.

PG: Yeah, like she gets that, like she gets "ruin" anything.

MG: You have gurlfriend, get marry!

PG: (Taunting) Gurlfriend! Marry! Gurlfriend! Marry! Hee hee! Marry! Gurlfriend! No gurlfriend!

MG: You have no family! No good!

PG: (Taunting) No gurlfriend, no good!

MG: I likely you get marry! Get baby!

CP: We have two babies, they're called the kitty cats. They're really cute.

MG: Do you have a gurlfriend?

PG: Oh, would someone just tell her? I've told her so many times - WE'RE GAY!!!!!!!!

(DRAMATIC PAUSE)

MG: I can't hear.

PG: Yeah, you couldn't hear that one, right. It's suddenly like denial hearing. (To camera): Stop that, get out of here!

CP: Well, I'm Georgie's family.

PG: I know!

MG: Eh?

CP: I'm Georgie's family.

PG: I know! That's right!

MG: I can't hear!

CP: I'll always be around to take care of Georgie.

PG: Really? (swoon)

CP: So he won't be alone. Georgie will never be alone.

PG: I know, I'm the helper monkey. (Monkey noises.)

CP: Unless he kills me.

PG: I might do that too, though.

MG: You go tomorrow or today?

CP: We're going today.

MG: Eh?

CP: We're going today.

MG: You and Georgie go today?

CP: Me and Georgie go today. We're going to see my parents for Christmas.

MG: Tonight?

CP: Tonight. Ruby's coming over to take us to....

MG: Becky what time come here?

CP: Becky what time come here? I don't know, maybe tomorrow?

MG: No, tell him come here, stay here! (Becky is female by the way.)

CP: Tell Becky to come here and stay here?

MG: Tell Becky stay here!

CP: Ok, I will. Well I have to go finish packing now. Do you have anything else to tell us before we start packing again?

PG: Happy Holidays! Have gurlfriend!

MG: What time you come back?

CP: We come back January 2nd.

MG: Eh?

CP: January 2nd.

MG: January, 2nd?

CP: Yeah.

MG: When you come back, you not go, right? You stay, right?

CP: No, we're going.

MG: Go again?

CP: No no no, we come back, we stay.

MG: Eh?

CP: When we come back, we stay.

PG: She's afraid we're going to come back and move to California. Would you stop that? Put that thing away!

CP: Ok, I've got to go now, I've got to finish packing.

MG: Come back, you not go, right?

CP: Yeah, I not go.

MG: You not go again?

CP: Yeah, I not go again. I'm not going again.

PG: We're going to California!

CP: Alrighty, Merry Christmas everyone, Happy New Year, Happy Holidays from Poor George and Mama Gin.

(PG accidently flings an errant Christmas ornament across the room)

CP: Oh my God!

PG: Well there goes one of those!

CP: I know, there goes an ornament he forgot to take off! This is our Martha Stewart Snowbird Christmas tree which we're taking down even though it's not even Christmas yet. Bye everybody!

PG: Bye!

25 comments:

Mnmom said...

You are earning sainthood!!!!! Both of you!!!!! What a good son, and what a good patient loving partner. Mothers-in-law: you can't live with 'em and you can't stuff 'em in a sack. Comedy writers couldn't make this stuff up.

GrizzBabe said...

I love me some Mama Gin! Keep 'em coming.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

PG shouting "we're gay" followed by the selective deafness cracked me right up. Too funny.

Well for me it's funny - but she's not standing in my doorway..

Chris said...

So....when are you coming back? February 2nd? ;)

PG said...

Aren't there any psychiatrists out there who want to donate their services?...if not for the MG how 'bout me??!

BeckEye said...

"I can't hear."

That's hilarious.

chelene said...

Hilarious. The background music made this a particularly poignant installment of the Mama Gin Files.

Alan said...

Yes! The background music made this absolutely surreal.

I know you guys have been an item for many years now, but I just have to ask--Why don't you two just plant a big ol' sloppy wet one on each other for Mama Gin to see? That's a language that everyone understands and it's at the right volume too! LOL!

Coaster Punchman said...

For two reasons Alan - 1) I'm not much for that kind of physical openness in front of other family members; and 2) it wouldn't matter to Mama Gin anyway with respect to her goal for Georgie. Terms like "gay" or "straight" or anything in-between have no meaning in the world of Mama Gin. The universal law of her world is "get marry have baby" no matter who or what you are.

Alan said...

Mama Giiiiiiiiiin....

I guess it's simple then. Have PG go "make baby" real quick then she'll be happy. It should only take about 15 mins. Well, 4 and a 1/2 if he's in a rush. Wait ... does he have to "get marry" too? Well, then he marry you!

Dale said...

I loved the music too and also the interpretive hand gestures Mama Gin was making throughout. She seemed sad you were leaving but she couldn't have been that broken up, there was no offer of money this time.

Chris said...

Outstanding as usual!

Bluez said...

Next time she says get marry have baby tell her you can't hear....

Man, you guys have the patience of a saint! She's a hoot!

jewgirl said...

shalom gorgoeus! it's been ages. now I am catching up on cpunch daddy of doom.

love the mama gin files. she is too much. oy, what you and poor george deal with. you are such good souls.

Anonymous said...

Alan:

If I planted a big wet one on the CP in front of the MG, don't you think there would be a pause followed by... "I can't see..." ?!

PG

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

Holy crap, I laughed till I cried. On one hand I love Mama Gin, but on the other I'd kill her if she pulled that stuff on me. I'm nominating you and PG for the Nobel Prize for putting up with her. Oh I almost forgot, what day were you two planning on coming back?

Alan said...

PG! The "P" stands for "Poet"!

Beth said...

Have you considered calling her after you land in the visited city?

Old Lady said...

I'm speechless. You put your tree up and took it down before Christmas?

Bubs said...

Oh my God. That was maybe the most amazing segment yet.

Creepy said...

I was thinking the same thing as Mnmom: you guys are saints.

GETkristiLOVE said...

You really should compile these into a short movie and put it on th market!

pg said...

Dear gentle CPW readers who are also fans of the MG:

Although the entertainment value of the MG files would indeed bring more happiness into this world, please be informed at this time that the MG files are NOT intended for a wider audience. This is elite entertainment at its best and is only for the utmost of sophisticates remaining on this planet.

Tanya Espanya said...

Yer gay?!




Oh, that Mama Gin, she crazy.



Can't wait to meet her, what should I bring?

Alan said...

Wishing you two a Happy Valentine's Day...