Tuesday, July 01, 2008

The Mama Gin Files: Tom stole the deed!

Gentle Readers,

Words alone are not sufficient to make you understand what we endure living with Mama Gin. Enjoy this latest episode of The Mama Gin Files wherein our squalid protagonist accuses me of stealing the deed to the house that she owns jointly with Poor George.

Several months ago Mama Gin dropped by to give George what she thought was the deed to the house. (Naturally, it was only a photocopy; George has the original in safe deposit and would never dream of leaving anything that important in Mama Gin's greasy hands.) Poor George was not home at the time, so Mama Gin handed me the deed and asked me to deliver it to him.

Mistakenly, I agreed.

About a month ago, Mama Gin started coming down at regular intervals to inquire whether I had actually delivered the deed to George. After her 80th visit or so, I got fed up with her incessant questioning and decided to return her copy of the deed to her. What follows is the result of such an ill-conceived action.

Keep in mind that this episode repeated itself for a full 30 minutes, both before and after I took the video footage.

As always, an approximate transcript is provided for your enhanced viewing pleasure.

Confidential to Beckeye: next time you tell us or anyone else how bad you feel for Mama Gin, we are sending her to live with you. Consider yourself on notice.





CP: Ok, Mama Gin is on the warpath because she thinks I stole the deed to the house. So she's pounding on the door.

MG: (POUND POUND POUND!)

CP: Hello?

MG: Tooom???!!! (RATTLE DOORKNOB RATTLE DOORKNOB)

CP: Ok. What?

MG: You give me the deed!

CP: That's the deed.

MG: No!!

CP: Yes it is!

MG: No, this-y not, I give you the deed! Big! Long!

CP: Well, I don't know what you're talking about. Tell me what was in the envelope that you gave me.

MG: Yah, I give you in here!!!!

CP: What was in the envelope? What was in it?

MG: I give YOU!!!!

CP: That's what you gave me!

MG: No! This-y OLD OLD OLD! No good!

CP: That's not a good deed? I didn't realize you were an attorney.

MG: It say 1997!

CP: Yeah, that's when you bought the house.

MG: No!! I buy the housey not 1997!

CP: Yes you did!

MG: No! This-y not what I give you! This-y old one!

CP: There's only one deed! That's the deed!

MG: No! I give you! I saw you put inside!

CP: Well that's what he has.

MG: No, not this-y one, this-y old one!

CP: Well you're going to have to talk to George, I can't help you any more.

MG: You find it! You look it!

CP: Ok. (closes door.) Bitch. She'll be back pounding on the door. She's been pounding on the door for the past half hour. She is driving me CRAZY.

MG: (DOORKNOB RATTLE, POUND POUND)

CP: Here she goes! (opens door.) Ok, what?

MG: You look for the housey! I give YOU! You put there!

CP: That's the deed to the house.

MG: No, not this-y, small one. Big, long, heavy!

CP: Well you need to describe to me what these documents were.

MG: Papers in here!

CP: But I don't know what papers you're talking about.

MG: No, no! This-y no good! This-y old, very old, no good!

CP: Ok. (closes door.)

MG: Hey! For me!!

22 comments:

Eebie said...

Shit that's annoying. Can you just get a bunch of legal papers off the net and give to her so as to placate MG?

Chris said...

Have fun trying to sleep tonight!

Tooom? You give me housey.

Alan said...

Hoooo boy. May the saint and angels attend you tonight, my friend.

And may they bless her adorable, toothless old head. What she needs is a good hug!

PG said...

Alan: unless you're a baby, preferably of the male gender, the MG is not exactly miss touchy touchy...something that is beginning to rub off onto the CP.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Wow.

Okay I was going to come over here to give you hell for ratting me out to Bubs, but honestly, you have won me over with your hard luck story.

I never knew Mama Gin was quite so bad-ass.

Mnmom said...

I think she's talking about the abstract, not the deed. Do you have the abstract? You try take house-y!

You are such a complete saint. I would have killed her in her sleep by now, or just moved out.

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

Why must you torture that poor women in her golden years? All she wants to do is see that her house is protected from you and your homosexual agenda.

I kid! I kid! I hope Poor George is worth all the crap she gives you.

BeckEye said...

Ok, so I don't feel so bad for her anymore.

By the way, I think I'm going to paraphrase Mama Gin and start using "Give me the deed! Big! Long!" as a pickup line. I'll let you know how it works out.

Melinda June said...

Hey, Beckeye - remember to shout, "House-y! House-y!" if when they do.

CP, I can't believe you suggested I LIVE with her. You're a sick bastard, you know that?

Some Guy said...

It's just like an episode of "Seinfeld", with Mama Gin playing the role of Kramer and his constant pop-ins, only maybe not as funny (at least not for you).

GETkristiLOVE said...

What's annoying to you is pure entertainment to me!

More Mama Gin Files!

Bubs said...

Just out of curiosity (and forgive me if I missed this in an earlier episode) have you ever tried just repeating everything she says to you, and mimicking her in a bad impersonation of her own voice? Like this:

MG: You give me the deed!
CP: You give me the deed!
MG: No, this-y not, I give you the deed! Big! Long!
CP: No, this-y not, I give you the deed! Big! Long!

It might not work keeping her away from you, but I'd probably find it pretty hilarious to see on film.

Keith Kennedy said...

Just remember that you can bear anything except children!

Dino aka Katy said...

oh goodness while I truly enjoy the mama gin files I'd hate to have to live with her

wonderturtle said...

Ah, but you can post things like a picture of homemade seared diver scallops with ham and Comte creme so, there's that. Good thing.

chelene said...

For the first time ever I read the transcript before I watched the video...it's almost just as funny.

Writeprocrastinator said...

Now more than ever, I want gay marriage to become official so that she can officially become your mother-in-law ; )

GrizzBabe said...

When Mama Gin dies (God forbid) she is going to haunt that house asking its inhabitants where the damn dead is.

GrizzBabe said...

And it will be mysteriously moved from place to place for safe keeping.

Madam Z said...

Why do you even talk to her? Just tell her that she must go through PG. She will listen to him. Maybe...

Beth said...

God bless you, child.