Annoying things my sales reps do and say to me - Hank

Hank is actually not one of my sales reps - he belongs to one of my fellow Strategic Sales Executives. But this is just as annoying as anything one of mine could do.

Bill, my fellow Strategic Sales Executive, is out on vacation and has an out-of-office email message directing inquiries to our boss.

The other day my boss received one such inquiry, from Hank. This is what it said:

"Bill is out on vacation so he can't attend this meeting with me next week. I need someone to come with me, someone who knows Product X very well and who can hit it out of the park. I need them to be able to discuss Product X intelligently with an accounting firm customer, and who can cover all the nuances of the product."


So essentially what he is saying is "I really need help from someone who won't get any sales credit or commission. And they better know what the fuck they are doing."


Asshole.


At first I drafted an email response to Hank as follows:

"Hank, I am available to help you next week, but only with a minimum level of competence. I most likely will not 'hit it out of the park' as you require, but if I'm lucky, may be able to get a base hit."

I did not send it. Instead, I simply replied to my boss, saying "it appears that Hank has very high standards and as such I will not have the time required next week to prepare the level of presentation that would be acceptable to him. Sorry!"




Can I just reiterate that I really, really hate sales people?

Annoying Things My Sales Reps Do and Say to Me, Vol. (is anyone really counting these?)

Today, when asked about pricing during a presentation my sales rep and I did for some clients, my sales rep replied that he would get the initial pricing from our finance people and then he would try to "Jew them down."

He actually said this. To our clients.

The only thing that kept me from bitch slapping him later is that he happens to be Jewish. But no matter. There are certain things you don't say in any kind of professional setting, let alone in front of one's clients.

And I believe "Jew them down" would be one of them.



Would somebody please help me get the fuck out of here?



Love,
CP

Annoying Things My Sales Reps Do and Say to Me: Jane

Jane: Tom, are you available on the 18th to go on some appointments?

Tom: That depends. I have to sell half a million this quarter, so I can only afford to go on appointments that will have a significant payout - twelve thousand at the bare minimum. Have you spoken with these people before? Do you know what exactly they are interested in?

Jane: Don't worry, I can get the appointments. If you're not available on the 18th, what other days that week are you available?

Jane, if you don't start answering my direct questions when I ask them, I swear to God I will never speak to you again. And then I will kill you with my bare hands.

Love,

CP

Annoying Things My Sales Reps Do and Say to Me: Dean part 2

Dean: Tom, you don't need to include the Account Manager in emails where we are discussing what to sell to the account. You shouldn't have invited Lana to that meeting where we are going to try to sell Product X.

Tom: But the idea to sell Product X to that customer was Lana's. She is the one who brought it up to the customer and suggested a live demo. She is the one who emailed both of us about the idea and asked if I wanted to set up the appointment. Of course she should have been included.

Dean: Well it's ok that you did it this time, but in the future, if you have any questions about that, I would appreciate if you would ask me before including her.

Ed. note: Keep in mind that a) Dean is not my boss; b) Lana, as the Account Manager, has sales responsibilities as well. So what Dean is saying here is that next time an Account Manager contacts me about a lead he or she generated, I am to cut him or her out immediately and deal only with Dean.

Dean, you are a supreme asshole. I hope you are captured by the Taliban and burned at the stake as an infidel.

The nerve. I mean, really.

Annoying Things My Sales Reps Do and Say to Me: Dean

Annoying Things My Sales Reps Do and Say to Me is a new CPW series wherein I will relate to my Gentle Readers some of the annoying things my sales reps do and say to me.

Our first installment features my esteemed colleague, Dean. Dean manages to aggravate me every single time I interact with him. Examples:

• Tom, the next time a client asks you if they can buy just one part of the package rather than the whole package, just tell them "it's a better deal if you buy the whole package" rather than what you said (which was "yes, but it's a better deal if you buy the whole package.")


• Tom, why don't you want to go to this account with me? I can see you have free time, because you just answered the phone now when I called.


• Let's make it happen, Tom.


• Tom, I realize you have to sell half a million this quarter and this account is only going to net you one thousand, but these small deals can be important too. Every little bit helps. This will be really good for you.


• Tom, most everybody else is sharing their electronic calendar, so it would be a good idea for you to, too. (ed. note: Why is that, Dean? So you can critique my calendar and tell me whether or not I have enough free time to work with you?)


• Tom, don't take this the wrong way, but you're kind of touchy.

Dean, I hate your fucking guts. You rarely reach me on the phone because I am now screening your calls. Please leave me alone.

Love,

CP