The rigtheousness of the CP

I'm feeling all self righteous tonight because I did my taxes a whole month before they are even due. Combined with the fact that I spent the weekend reorganizing several bookcases, cupboards, pantries, dressers and closets, end result is that I'm quite pleased with myself right now. (Note that I started to write this back in March, hence the reference to tax season.)

Feeling slightly superior to others is nothing new for me, however undeserved it may be. This all reminds me of the time I decided my young cousins needed to hear a few Old Testament Bible stories and that I was just the boy to take care of it for them.

My parents weren't big on church or religion, although they did require that all their children undergo the standard amount of indoctrination. The trouble for me is that by the time I was old enough for Sunday school we were living next door to the pastor of a fairly fundamentalist-style Lutheran church, and so in order not to be all snobbish or anything, it was his church we ended up attending.

My parents didn't attend Sunday school with me so they had no idea that I was not receiving the usual lessons and sermons on the spiritual benefits of tuna-noodle hot dish and church basement suppers. Instead, I was spending my early Sunday mornings learning all about the various behaviors that would get you sent to Hell ---with the occasional lesson on fearing black people thrown in for good measure. It was all just delightful.

I was quite impressed with all the fantastical Bible stories our teacher told us - all the more so because, according to everyone around me, it all "really happened!" God appeared to Moses as a burning bush and then parted the Red Sea so they could cross it! God told Noah to build an Ark and then had him bring two of every animal aboard! A snake told Eve to eat that damn apple which was the start of all our problems!

Cool!

At one point I received a plastic "Noah's Ark" set with the Ark, two of a bunch of your standard animals, and a plastic figurine of Noah. It was with this Ark that I attempted to indoctrinate my cousins.

One Sunday they were over at our house for dinner, so I brought them up to my room, set up the Ark set and then told them the story of how God appeared to Noah, told him to build a huge boat, made him gather up all these animals and then flooded the whole Earth, killing everyone but Noah, his family and the animals.

The best part is that after every fantastical moment of the story I would stop and say "Ok, now you believe it, right?" They would nod their heads and I would move on. I had to stop and spot check this because I knew that if they did NOT believe the story, they would burn in hell and then I would have no one to play with in Heaven.



I look back on this story today and laugh now. But when I take a step back and look at this stuff in the big picture, I find it remarkable how fucked up it is.

Wow.

Boeuf Bourguignon

Boeuf Bourguignon with bluefoot mushrooms and chopped parsley

Good thing I'm not a violent person

Gentle Readers,

It's really a good thing I'm not a violent person because if I were, the amount of anger I am feeling right now could rear its ugly head and cause me to bitch slap a few Mormons.

I really shouldn't be surprised. It was only a matter of time before the leaders of this tax-exempt institution would launch their attack on gays and lesbians for daring to pretend they could ever achieve equal rights in California by ****gasp**** getting married!

I guess any work the Mormons might be involved in to feed the hungry or help the poor must be put aside until the sodomites are stopped in their tracks! Church leaders are telling their fold to donate "time and means" to ensure that gays and lesbians remain second class citizens in California.

Click here for the whole story.

What do you think we should do about this, Gentle Readers?

CP

CP's Pretend Interviews with Bloggers - Lulu Redux

We recently traveled to Bangladesh to sit down for another pretend-interview with blogger legend Lulu.

CP: So Lulu, how are you enjoying your fabulous ex-pat life?

Lulu: Why don't you read my blog and find out for yourself?

CP: Touchy touchy! But FYI, I do check in with you practically every day, not only because you are entertaining and are doing interesting things with your life, but also because I never know when the next monsoon or whatever other natural disaster is about to hit.

Lulu: I'm very impressed. But do you think my blog is going to inform you that I've been swept out into the Indian Ocean?

CP: Good point. But anyway, my Gentle Readers can click over to your blog if they want to read about Bangladesh. Today we're going to talk about more of our personal history.

Lulu: Imagine that. Well it's not like I have a choice anyway since you're the only one writing this.

CP: Once again, you are correct. In fact, why stop at pretending to interact with bloggers? Maybe I'll get a fake boyfriend I can pretend to have sex with while I'm at it. Or a fake job.

Lulu: You already have one of those.

CP: Very funny.

Lulu: So can we get to the story here? My driver's waiting. And why is it only me you do these fake interviews with? You label these posts "Pretend Interviews with Bloggers," not "Pretend Interviews with Lulu."

CP: Well, forgive me for making you the center of attention. Not much of a princess, are we?

Lulu: On second thought, carry on CP!

CP: Thank you. So I thought it would be fun if we relived the night you came out to my parents' house in that annoying Chicago suburb when we had dinner that time.

Lulu: Oh yes, that was a great night. What came first, the pot or the champagne?

CP: Who knows. Probably the pot, or else we wouldn't have gotten so involved trying to decipher the graphical instructions on the champagne bottle.

Lulu: You mean the picture of the guy pointing the cork side of the bottle right at his face, with the word NO printed in bold letters?

CP: That's the one! And don't forget the other picture of the lady with the bottle pointed AWAY from her, with the word YES.

Lulu: That was quite fun. We both kept grabbing the bottle to point and unpoint it while saying "NO, YES, NO YES...."

CP: See what I mean about the pot?

Lulu: Yes and no. I mean, I had to have been high to sit and do something that stupid for an extended period. You on the other hand....

CP: That's quite enough Lu.

Lulu: And when you went to look for the pot you started in on this stupid voice where you were pretending to be a suburban housewife looking for her drugs. You kept saying "Honey, where did you put the pot paraphernalia? The kids will be home soon. Honey?"

CP: I know, I'm really funny sometimes.

Lulu: Hilarious. Can I go now?

CP: Well wait a second. Isn't that also the night you first met my dad?

Lulu: Oh yes it was. He and your mom came home from a party and your dad decided I needed to hear some dirty joke involving a camel and a French tickler. Your mom was screaming and would not let him finish the story.

CP: Did you want to know how it ended?

Lulu: Um, no thanks.

CP: Well thanks again for pretending to answer our questions here at CPW, Lu. See you in July!

Bacon seared diver scallops with asparagus and shallot cream sauce

Our friend Brad came for dinner. Brad doesn't eat vegetables, and he swept the non-animal elements of this dish aside with one swift move of his fork.

3jesus97, or no votes for girls!

Although the 3jesus97 lady and I have become friends, she still alarms me on occasion. The other day we were talking about some of the trials and tribulations we face on the job along with our worries about the economy. "Be sure and vote for Obama," I told her. "He has the best chance to help us out of this mess."

"Oh, I haven't decided who I'm voting for yet," she replied. "I'll consider Obama but I would never have considered Hillary."

"You don't like her?" I asked.

"Well, no, but it's not really that. I just don't ever want a woman as President."

?????

"Excuse me?" I was flabbergasted that she would say this.

"You heard me, Tom. I don't EVER want a woman in the White House. Women are crazy! We need a man running the country."

Now remember that Sandra is from Oklahoma, but still. She's a successful Strategic Sales Executive, like me, and on top of that she is a single mom. She is a woman and she seems to be doing just fine. I reminded her of this.

"Oh believe me, I know I'm going against my own gender, but I'm a woman and I know women. And we're all crazy. Women are too vindictive. They hold grudges. That will not work in situations involving international diplomacy. Men can stab each other in the back all right, but they'll still go out hunting and drinking together afterward and it will all be just fine. A woman would NEVER go out and socialize with people she hates."


All I could think was that Sandra's mother must have been some bitch.



I think Sandra is sick in the head and I told her as much. She agrees, but still.

Sheeesh.

Poor George and his big fish

Getting ready to poach sea bass

I get to ride the school bus!

I can't believe I have not told this story yet because it is a classic.

We moved to a new town at Christmastime the year that I was in kindergarten, so I had to change schools. I had walked to and from my first school, but my new school was farther away so I was going to have to take the bus.

The school bus! I was VERY excited. I could hardly talk about anything else for several weeks. My whole family talked about it too, and I distinctly remember my dad describing how I was supposed to stand there and wait for the bus to slow down. He made these big hand gestures above his head to describe the alternate flashing red lights that would go off when the driver opened the door, which would be my signal to board the bus. (Apparently he thought the door opening up would not be a sufficiently clear signal for me.)

In any event, I felt well prepared and walked confidently down the street to the bus stop with my mom on the first day of school in January. I got very excited when the big yellow bus approached and did the whole alternate-flashing-light thing my dad had talked about. When the door opened I stepped on, sat down in one of the seats and waved to my mom out the window.

"I'll see you when you get home!" she called out as she waved back.

I was finally a big boy, and more than slightly pleased with myself.


**************************************


Riding the bus was fun, and I enjoyed looking at all the houses and other things out the window during the 15 minute ride to school. But as we reached the grounds of the school and the bus pulled into the parking lot, I came to a startling realization: I had NO idea what to do now that we had arrived. I had received hour upon hour of instruction on how to wait for, board and ride the bus, but no one bothered to tell me what was supposed to happen when I actually arrived at school.

I suppose my parents figured the school would take it from there and guide me along. And they probably would have been right, if they had been putting me on the bus on the first day of school in September when all the kids were new. But they seemed to have forgotten that I was going to be alone in a crowd of kids who all knew what they were doing. They neglected to acknowledge to themselves or to me that I alone would be the clueless one, a phenomenon which would unfortunately repeat itself many times throughout the course of my life.

Although I was borderline retarded, I was no dummy and knew enough to draw upon whatever resources that might be readily available. And at that moment the other available resources happened to be the other kids on the bus.

Not being particularly astute verbally, I didn't even consider asking someone what the fuck I was supposed to do next. Instead, I decided it would be easiest to choose one kid to observe and follow along with whatever he did. I chose a kid not unlike myself: taller, thin and with short brown hair. Seemed like a good enough plan.

My new friend (who didn't know he was my friend) stepped down off the bus and I followed closely behind. He walked slowly across the playground, past small groups of kids who were playing and/or talking before school. He didn't stop to talk to anyone but simply meandered, making large circles around a jungle gym, swing set and other playground equipment. I shadowed him carefully, not wanting to miss my cue.

Eventually my friend approached the door of the school building and went inside, and I followed about five paces behind. He walked slowly down a hallway lined with blue lockers but which was otherwise empty. About halfway down the hall he stopped and turned to face one the of the lockers. I did the same.

My friend leaned forward, resting his forehead on one of the lockers --- and began to cry. Not loud sobbing, but a kind of wide-open mouth silent crying with a long string of drool descending down from his lower lip. I didn't cry, but I did remain standing with my head against the locker, wondering what this morning ritual was all about.



I didn't know it at that exact moment, but the kid I had chosen to follow was the only other new kid, who apparently had a very different way of coping with an unfamiliar situation. I still thought my method was superior, although it had backfired in this particular instance.

A teacher eventually came and rescued us, delivering us to our respective classrooms. I'm not sure if my parents ever received a call from the principal's office or child protective services to inquire what the hell they thought they were doing, just sending me off with no guidance or instruction like that. But they should have.

Of course my mom denies the entire story to this day, which is fine. I'm sure that you, my Gentle Readers can discern the truth.

Seared diver scallops with ham & Comte creme

Seared diver scallops with German smoked ham & Comte creme sauce

He was all Persian or something

Around what year did kids start using the word like as an all purpose filler and modifier? These things tend to be very generational, although like seems to span quite a few of them. I was struck by this one day when I was conversing with two sixty-something Norwegians who have been living here since the 1960s - they both say it all the time which is normally unusual for people their age.

Personally I like like and still use it all the time, even though I know it's improper and a bad habit. Like is like crack to me. It delivers certain connotations that are not easy to express or would otherwise seem awkward when delivered verbally, especially for the young or mildly retarded like me.

As an example, when I was a kid I usually lived in places that were about 99% white. The most common minority you would run across would be the occasional Asian kid in school.

Back in the early 70s no one said "Asian." Maybe sometimes people would say "Oriental" to describe a person, which we know today is incorrect; but the usual way to refer to an Asian kid in school (if you didn't know him or her) was simply to say "I don't know, he's like Chinese or something."

Like Chinese or something. See how easily that flows? Now if someone had corrected us and said "you will refer to this child as the Asian kid" I'm sure we would have listened. But no one took the time.

Like is also a convenient mechanism for describing a person's attitude or demeanor. Instead of saying "mother appeared to be in a bad mood and may possibly have been intoxicated" you can just say "she was like screaming at Dad and getting cigarette ash marks all over the wall."

Like often takes the additional modifier just when used in such situations. "I went to my boss's office to hand in my expense reports and he was just like 'these are over a month late. I can't approve these.' I told him I'd been busy with the Viacom deal and he was just like 'get the fuck out of my office.'"

Isn't that much more descriptive than saying "My boss was upset that my expense reports were over a month late. When I tried to explain that I had been preoccupied with the Viacom deal he indicated it was not a convenient time to talk"?

At some point about ten years ago the Generation Y kids starting replacing like with all. It took me a while to catch on to what was happening, and caused more than few confusing moments for me.

I had struck up a friendship with a receptionist named Tina in my office in L.A. and we started hanging out a lot. She was a bit of a wild child, and very pretty, therefore making her great to bring to gay bars with me because she would attract a lot of guys. The first time we went to Rage for happy hour we walked in and this guy immediately turned to her and said "wait boys, hold on, let her pass, let her through. This girl is REAL!" Then he and his friends started buying her drinks while ignoring me like the plague. It was great.

One time I pulled into a gas station so that she could run in to buy cigarettes. When she came back to the car she said "the guy behind the counter totally hit on me. He asked for my phone number."

"Oh," I said. "Was he cute? What did he look like?'

"I don't know," she replied. "He was all Persian or something."

???

He was all Persian or something. It sounded like he had a disease or a physical deformity. She could have said "he was all pock marked or something" and it would have had the same effect.

"You don't like Middle Eastern men?"

"No, I didn't say that. He was actually kind of cute. I gave him my number."

"Then why did you say 'he was all Persian or something?' It sounded like you were grossed out by it."

"No, he just had dark skin and dark hair, like he's from Iran or someplace like that."

Then I figured it out. What she really meant to say was "He was like Persian or something." That would have made total sense to me. All was the new like.


Ah, to get old.


I really should have been a linguistics major. Because this shit fascinates me. Too bad it was not offered at the college I attended.

Mystery blogger

Beckeye & CP with mystery blogger

New York seems to be the place for coolio blogger meet-ups.

And who is this lovely and mysterious writer in our midst? First reader to guess correctly gets some homemade flan for dessert.



Ok, so that was really stupid.

Ratatouille

Ratatouille a la Poor George

The CP Top 40 - Part 5

These are Dale's ninja things. They used to be his avatar. Who came up with the word "avatar" anyway? It's pretty stupid.

Today we continue down CP's blog roll, which consists of more than 40 blogs although we are still referring to this feature as "The CP Top 40."

Passion of the Dale
I'm really glad Dale ended up top 'o the list today because he was one of the few who didn't complain when he moved down the blog roll when we went alphabetical. I offered to change his blog name to just "Dale" to give him a higher position but he declined my request. May have been a trademark issue but I suspect it was more his sense that living on my blog roll holds no prestige at all and was therefore not worth the trouble complaining about. Nevertheless, I'm certain almost everyone who reads this blog also reads POTD, so there isn't much I can tell you that you don't already know. He's hilarious, although every now and again he gets all serious which upsets me a fair amount. Check him out if you haven't already, but don't harass him please. Or if you do, don't tell him I sent you.

The Pop Eye
I kind of resent giving Beckeye an extra link since she's too damn popular already, and I'm the type who resents his friends' successes. Just kidding, I want my friends to be successful as long as they share. Beckeye is one of the few bloggers in my circle who has a consistent theme and doesn't just spout verbal diarrhea like the rest of us. She writes about Pop Culture (The Pop Eye, get it?) And she's pretty damn funny while doing it. In fact the few times I missed American Idol this year I just clicked over to her to see what was what. And her recaps were pretty reliable, save for the bizarre fascination with Michael Johns.

Princess Mombi's Friendatorium
Princess Mombi has a cute blog where, among other things, she waxes nostalgic about New Kids on the Block. She was also featured on Rachael Ray's show when they did a spot about her high school reunion. I realized I'm a heck of a lot older than her, too. But I like how she links to me as part of her "Merry Misfits" category. Touche!

Prone to Whimsy
A fine writer, Flannery discusses general subjects in such a way that keeps me clicking back often. She and her husband (see below) will soon be hosting BlogOhio Jamboree, so you should check her out and visit them if you are nearby. As with Dale, just don't tell them I sent you if you plan to behave poorly. Flan and I will also soon be meeting live and in person in NYC! So she'll be one more blogger who can tell you what a bore I am in person. (post script: Blog Ohio Jamboree has already happened; I wrote this post before the date.)

Rants Raves Life and Anything Else That Comes
Not to be confused with an 18th century street urchin, the Artful Dodger of this blog is a newcomer to the CPW family of stalkees. He just got married so there is quite a lot of pre-wedding anxiety blogging. He has a serious issue with putting cheese on hamburgers which makes me wonder if we could ever really be friends.

Social Zymurgy: The Culture of Beer
Thanks to Doc teaching me the word "zymurgy" I was able to finish a Friday Times crossword puzzle, which is quite an accomplishment. Doc is married to Flannery and is quite the fine storyteller - click on over if you haven't already. Occasionally he and Flannery work out their marital issues on their respective blogs, such as a recent point-counterpoint on the relative badness of five movies he's made her watch over the years. Might I note that neither one of them mentioned that Caligula is basically a porno? Money shots and everything. Unless those are illegal in Ohio or something.

Some Guy's Blog
Another blogger I've met in the flesh, Some Guy (aka Chris) provides biting political commentary and toilet humor almost once a day, or possibly about as often as the average human experiences a bowel movement. (Just hypothesizing here.) Chris is a real life friend of blogger legend Grant Miller, but has developed a more than loyal following of his own. I like him too for many reasons, especially for his willingness to help me torment the Mormons.

I, Splotchy
Splotchy is a noted blogger of diverse interests, interests so diverse that it takes several blogs just to address them all. Let it be noted that I did participate in his popular adopt an actor project and posted about my adoption. I had problems getting her to stay on my sidebar which is why poor Kim Walker is hidden in my archives. I only have so much patience for screwing around with computer settings before I give up and start drinking heavily. I think my problem had something to do with her photo being too big. If anyone can assist, please get in touch in the comments or on email.

A Sunny Thought
Kim's blog is a fun mixture of musings about her everyday life and other things. If you have a cold hard mind, check her out to help yourself warm your thoughts.

Tanya Espanya
Yet another blogger who knows I really exist in the flesh. Tanya is funny, and simply crushes our greater blogger circle with her unwavering love. She inhabits a particular place of honor at CPW, being one of the few bloggers who has actually met Mama Gin. Tanya Espanya is also good for a nice family drama every now and again, just to keep us sufficiently entertained.



Tune in soon for the conclusion (for now) of CP's Top 40!

Butterflied leg of lamb stuffed with fig anchovy concasse

Leg of lamb a la Poor George

Another meme

I stole this from the incomparable Katie Schwartz, and then coincidentally got tagged to do it by Eebie.

1. Ten years ago, what were you doing?

Finishing my first year of law school. Sweating over my Civil Procedure final. Heinous class, and it was year-long so I had to remember shit from back in September. I got a B-minus which in law school is pretty much like an F-plus.


2. Five things on today's to-do list

a. Call back this customer who wanted to know something about our products (not done)

b. Call back one of my regional sales managers (done and it was a really annoying conversation)

c. Go pick up some pain meds from the pharmacy (not done but very much looking forward to it, even though I'm not in pain)

d. Sort through work email that came in while I was out of town (not done)

e. Find new customers to sell shit to (not done)



3. Several things I'd do if I were a billionaire

a. Donate to a lot of worthy causes. (Ok, so everyone knows I have to say that first or else I'm some kind of asshole, right? If I were as noble as Katie I'd enumerate them, but the way I see it there is so much suffering in the world I am not sure right now which projects would take priority.)

b. If I came into this money suddenly I'd put it all in the name of a trust so that I would remain anonymous about it.

c. Buy real estate in several places around the world where I want to live part time.

d. Found some kind of non-profit and staff it with people I know and trust to run it well. I'd pay them handsomely too.

e. Throw fabulous parties all over the world and fly our favorite people there to party with us.

f. Do volunteer work and take language classes.


4. Three bad habits

a. Procrastination

b. Obsessing over pointless shit

c. Snapping at people when I'm under stress


5. Five places I've lived

a. South Dakota

b. Minnesota

c. Illinois

d. California

e. Washington DC


6. Five jobs I've had

a. Piano teacher

b. The guy who scrapes up all sorts of shit from the floor of a meatpacking plant

c. Telephone survey operator -truly a job from hell

d. Cocktail waiter - making money while smoking and drinking is the way to go if you ask me

e. Large New York firm attorney - hell on Earth

Galette de pomme de terre avec Montrechet

Courtesy of Poor George and his new mandolin

Real Interviews with Bloggers: Dale + CP August 23, 2007

Not to be outdone by Bubs, Dale emailed me some interview questions last August. So as not to make him wait an entire year as did Bubs, I am now getting started on these - and it's only May!

1. You have quite a musical household on the go. Apart from your piano and George's clarinet, do either of you play other instruments or compose? What are the odds of getting Mama Gin up on top of the piano a la Michelle Pfeiffer in The Fabulous Baker Boys for a video blog?
Both George and I have extensive musical backgrounds. I started on the violin at age 6, when my dad used to teach the Suzuki method to young kids. My real love became the piano soon thereafter, however, and I played semi-seriously through the end of college. I always wanted to try a wind instrument but never got around to it. I didn't get this lazy without years of practicing my procrastination.

George started the clarinet in 7th grade and always loved it as well. He plays some piano but never had any formal training. He plays several varieties of clarinet, including the bass clarinet featured in this Mama Gin video.

Although George is the professional musician in the house, I am the only composer (though George has dabbled a bit too.) My genre is pop. Schlocky pop. My songs all kind of suck, but here are the titles. Tell me which one will make the top 40:

The Change
Goodbye (v. melodramatic)
Hawaii 1998 (I cry whenever I try to play it; is that retarded or what?)
The Good Son (stupid title, though it is mine)
Change of Heart
Rodeo Cowboy (really stupid song but I kind of like it. Lyrics are not mine.)
Angel
A Whisper in Time (stupidest song and title ever. Not mine.)
Falls on You
All I Gave You Was Nothing
Midnight Love

All of the music is my own. I also wrote all of the lyrics on Hawaii 1998, The Good Son, Falls on You, All I Gave You Was Nothing and Midnight Love. The lyrics to the other songs were either collaborative or taken entirely from a lyricist. It's true that coming up with the lyrics is the hardest part of writing music.

I also do a fair amount of arranging. I am asked to play for weddings quite often. If you are very close to me I will do it out of guilt but I won't enjoy it. Among other things, it means I can't drink at the rehearsal dinner for fear that I won't play well the next day at the wedding. If anyone asks me to play and I am not close to them, I will say no.

Next weekend George and I are providing all the music at my cousin's wedding, and I did all the arranging. The bride requested "Just Like Heaven" by The Cure, so I wrote an arrangement of it for piano, clarinet and cello. It's going to be very frightening. (Post wedding-note: it went very well, but still sounded like Muzak.)

Mama Gin would LOVE to collaborate with us. She used to come in to the apartment, sit down at the piano for about an hour and two-finger plunk out the melody to "Silent Night." Every now and again she sits down on the piano bench next to Poor George and "instructs" him. I need to capture that on video.


2. At one point, you were hoping to branch out into producing Cheesy Made for TV Movies with Mindy June. Does the dream still live? If so, please provide a title and pitch. You are aware that things haven't been going so well in the career or talent department for Shannen Doherty lately, right?
"Does the dream still live?" When have we EVER let a dream die over here at CPW, Dale? Do you kiss your mother with that mouth of yours?

Although Mindy and I have not discussed titles or themes for several years, the dream is still alive and well - and now that Mindy is looking for work the time may be ripe.

Last she and I were cooking up something along these lines, it was a sitcom. It was going to be like a "Friends" but much more edgy, with characters taken from our real life circle of acquaintances. Whenever we would meet to flesh out the characters and themes, though, Mindy would invariably spend 90% of the time talking about all the hilarious things her character was going to do. Soon I grew resentful, and stopped participating.

Hey, maybe that can be the theme. What should we call it? Fags and Hags?


3. Gordon Ramsay is coming to dinner. What culinary delights would you serve and what type of new cocktail would be most appropriate for the occasion?
If Gordon were coming for dinner, George would be required to cook. Although I have become a much better cook over the past decade based on techniques I have picked up from my very own resident chef, I would not have the cahones to cook for a Food TV star (except for Rachael Ray, of course.)

I would, however, ply him with cocktails. (See this story for an example.) In fact, let me take this opportunity to answer a question posed to me over a year ago by Lulu during her award winning interview with me: "You are known far and wide as a mixologist without peer. If you were to make me a "Coaster Punchman," what would be in it, and how would it be served?"

I have finally made my decision. I can't take full credit for this cocktail, as a version of it was first served to me at the now-defunct Fez Cafe in New York. It is a delicious combination of vodka, Cointreau, fresh lime and Chambord, shaken over ice and served straight up in a martini glass. Since I can't locate a recipe for their old cocktail anywhere on the Internets, I am now claiming it as my own and will serve one to any of my Gentle Readers upon demand - provided you come over or invite me to your house.


4. If you had to appear as a contestant or a panelist on a game show, past or present, which would it be?
Let me qualify this by saying I hate game shows. I think they are a huge waste of time. That being said, there are several likely candidates. Of course any of the shows that would allow me to make sarcastic comments would be eligible. The Dr. Phil Show comes to mind immediately. Or maybe Judge Judy.


5. I'm always too frightened to make use of those 'need a penny, take a penny' containers like the one at my Korean Bagel Lady's shop and would rather overpay than make correct change. Sometimes there are even one and two dollar coins in there which must be some sort of trick. Do you use them?
First off, please quit touting that stupid Korean wench in your pathetic efforts to combat the popularity of The Mama Gin Files. Everyone knows that I, Coaster Punchman, have cornered the market on finding humor in the mocking of elderly Asian women with limited English language skills. Step off, bitch.

Second, what is it with you Canadian, Europeans and everyone else on the damn globe with using the higher value coins instead of bills? Don't y'all know what a pain in the ass it is to walk around jingling like some two-bit whore due to all the loose change you have to hold in your pocket?

Go back to dollar bills like sensible people. Yes, we Americans have flirted with such travesties as the Susan B. and the Sacajawea dollars, only to enrich the pockets of hundreds of newsstand vendors who receive grosses of them in error from people who think they are handing over quarters. Until the people revolt and stop using them.

But I digress. Yes, I do use those things and in fact just used one yesterday when I removed four (4!) pennies from one without the slightest wince from the counter clerk. All I can say is, live dangerously, Dale. It's much more fun.


Bonus Question: Am I insane? Bonus answer: I don't know. Take this quiz and let me know how you do.

Ready for Spring yet?

In anticipation of the finer weather we soon will be experiencing, enjoy this virtual yard party featuring George's homemade corn chowder and lobster rolls, accompanied by lots of great champagne and wine, courtesy of Im and Em.

The Return of CP's Top 40 - part 4

Welcome back to CP's Top 40! I have lost count of my current blogroll so, stalkees, bear with me as we are going to continue referring to it as CP's Top 40.

About a year ago CPW went alphabetical in its blogroll system, causing not a small amount of consternation from blogs with names low in the alphabet, some of whom felt they deserved a more privileged spot on the list by virtue of the tenure of their place in my life or by their lack of a gag reflex, or sometimes both.

Nonetheless, it should comfort my Gentle Readers to know that CP is not so easily manipulated by the press, and that only a few specific types of bribery will work to move any particular stalkee out of his or her proper place in line.

Today we continue honoring our list of stalkees, beginning with those who joined since the last edition of CP's Top 40 was published.

Anandamide. Fire in the sky. Not sure why he chose that name, which Wikipedia defines as "an endogenous cannabinoid neurotransmitter found in animal and human organs, especially in the brain." Yah, right. Anyway, Anandamide's blog features a popular "Homoerotic Friday" series where readers are encouraged to submit homoerotic pictures of classic rock musicians. I support this, and applaud him for posting my picture of Eminem even though he's not "classic rock."

Bells On. I've been stalking Vikkitikkitavi much longer than she's been on my blogroll, and we had a great heart-to-heart in person last winter at a blogger gathering in Chicago about the philosophies and politics behind linking. We each ordered another cocktail to celebrate our mutual understanding that there are those who link because they love you, while there are those who link because they themselves want a link. I assured her I linked because I love her. She has contributed some of the most biting political commentary not only on her own blog, but in the comment sections of others such as CPW.

Better Living Through Bacon. This girl is delightful beyond delights. I chuckle out loud each time I stop over at her place, which is not often enough. Every time I go to her blog (and several of you enjoy this status with me) I think "shit, she is so funny, I have to start dropping by twice a day." She recently reported that her laptop has shit on her, so you might want to drop by and pay your respects - maybe with some Wet Ones or something to help clean up the mess.

Bliss and Bile. Holy shit, I just realized that if I'm only now getting to Chelene, I really haven't paid attention to this little blogroll project in some time. Chelene is awesome. Her snippets are often short, to the point and very amusing - in other words, perfect for a borderline retarded Punchman with the attention span God gave a watermelon. Plus we are real life friends, and all the straight boys I know are out to get into her... oh well, never mind - family blog here! Search my blog for her name and you'll find an awesome video starring hers truly. NOTE: I just discovered that I did indeed already cover Chelene in a previous post. Oh well baby, enjoy even more of the spotlight!

Gifted Typist is a relative newcomer to the CPW family, though I have noticed her stalking our American Idolatry blog more than once. She has the honor of being a real-life writer for a Halifax newspaper, which endears her to me since Nova Scotia is where Poor George and I first got together. Magical place. I would encourage you to check out both her blog and her professionally published writing such as this article where she very meanly snubs Skipper, Barbie's flat chested little sister. The nerve!

Gifts from a Broad proves the mutual point that Vikki and I made regarding linkage: if I like you enough, I will link to you even though you don't link to me. And I won't even be bitter about it. Not really. At least not right away. What were we talking about again? Oh yeah, I remember when I first discovered her, I must have read about 20 posts in a row and laughed my ass off a good percentage of the time. Check her out.

Happy to Be from Iowa - Mnmom, as she calls herself, is another one of those good writers from the Melinda June circle of Iowa friends. Her blog is a pleasing mixture of humor, politics and snippets from everyday life to help us all keep it real. She may be interested to know that Poor George, while not being from Iowa, was very happy to visit Iowa with me this Christmas and was very charmed by Decorah. He even told me he thinks his oldest brother is jealous that George got to go somewhere as exotic as Iowa. I'm serious.

He Had No Identifying Characteristics. MichaelG has known Melinda June even longer than I, which is not easy to say in this world. I met him a few times years and years ago and will perhaps cross paths with him again one day. But for now, blogland is our sandbox. He's funny. Check him out.

Monkey Muck. Dr. Monkey von Monkerstein is a blogger popular with the political and irreverent types. I particularly like it when he gets bitchy and also when he sticks it to the right wingers who I have to agree are ruining (some would say have ruined) this country. Plus he let me win a contest over at his place and sent me a coolio postcard as a prize. It's on my mom's refrigerator.

Ok Fine, Whatever! Any girl who would title her blog after a line in Clueless gets my vote! Dino aka Katy grew up in the former East Germany but now resides in the US, where she blogs about her daily life and posts lots of pictures. I like blogs like that. She also has met Jin in real life, several times. Luucky! (said in my best Napoleon Dynamite voice.)


Stop by for CP's next ten, to come out soon!

Don't worry Tanya, your turn will come...eventually!

Gratuitous Cat Shots - Special Reindeer Edition

Grover auditions for the role of Blizter in next season's Brooklyn Christmas Pageant.