Sunday, July 13, 2008

Annoying things my sales reps do and say to me - Hank


Hank is actually not one of my sales reps - he belongs to one of my fellow Strategic Sales Executives. But this is just as annoying as anything one of mine could do.

Bill, my fellow Strategic Sales Executive, is out on vacation and has an out-of-office email message directing inquiries to our boss.

The other day my boss received one such inquiry, from Hank. This is what it said:

"Bill is out on vacation so he can't attend this meeting with me next week. I need someone to come with me, someone who knows Product X very well and who can hit it out of the park. I need them to be able to discuss Product X intelligently with an accounting firm customer, and who can cover all the nuances of the product."


So essentially what he is saying is "I really need help from someone who won't get any sales credit or commission. And they better know what the fuck they are doing."


Asshole.


At first I drafted an email response to Hank as follows:

"Hank, I am available to help you next week, but only with a minimum level of competence. I most likely will not 'hit it out of the park' as you require, but if I'm lucky, may be able to get a base hit."

I did not send it. Instead, I simply replied to my boss, saying "it appears that Hank has very high standards and as such I will not have the time required next week to prepare the level of presentation that would be acceptable to him. Sorry!"




Can I just reiterate that I really, really hate sales people?

18 comments:

Bluez said...

I hear you loud and clear CP. I'm sick and tired of getting thrown under the bus by the sales dudes I work with now. All are a bunch of incompetent lazy assholes who blame us for their lack of ability to close a deal or know a bad deal when we show them one. Too bad they're not paid on their loss ratio or they'd all be fired...

lulu said...

Hank needs help writing a clear and coherent sentence; not only is the baseball metaphor clunky and unoriginal, but that "who" there doesn't refer back to an antecedent as far as I can tell. I would write "AWK" on this if it ere a student's paper.

Chris said...

You should invite him over and while he's at your door, call up to Mama Gin and advise her that the scoundrel that has her deed is knocking at your door trying to return it.

GrizzBabe said...

Very funny, Chris!

Artful Dodger said...

Love it. I don't know how many times I've written emails like that and never sent them. Though lately I've just been sending "No" as a reply when someone asks me to do something I don't want to.

Keith Kennedy said...

I met Hank at several car lots this weekend as I was looking for a new car for my wife.

I don't like Hank.

Hank may be necesaary but we don't have to like him.

Bubs said...

Oh come on. Don't those brushes practically sell themselves?

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

If Hank spent less time thinking up ways to use bad sales cliches in his emails and more time researching the products he sells every one would win.

Also I think you're company could use some category managers.

Beth said...

Hank's a sleaze. You're doing Mr. Skelton a disservice.

BeckEye said...

Product X, eh? Are you talking about Viagra?

Artful Dodger said...

You won an award. Come and pick it up at our place.

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

In retrospect my heart attack was the best thing that ever happened to me because it got me out of sales.

Alan said...

You should have just walked over to his desk and rapped him on the nose with a rolled up newspaper. Without a word. Then politely returned to your workday.

You be amazed at the effectiveness.

gizmorox said...

I'm with you on this. Save for one exception, our sales people are useless all around. It's terribly frustrating.

PG said...

I'm still trying to get to 2nd base with the CP and I'm not even in sales!!

Mnmom said...

Do you work for the Dilbert Co.?

Eebie said...

At some point won't Hank's boss say, "Hank, you're supposed to know this! Get it together!"?

Grant Miller said...

I usually strike out on bunting anyway.