Tuesday, December 21, 2004

I'm wearing a wife beater

My weird friend Daniel said it pisses him off when guys wear t-shirts under their dress shirts where you can see the t-shirt sleeves through the long sleeves of the dress shirt. I don't know why this "pisses him off" - it seems there are a lot worse things to be upset about. Nevertheless, I recently decided to try wearing undershirts because it's winter now and besides, the whole thing about being able to see through a dress shirt got me thinking maybe people have been sneaking peeks at my cute little masculine anatomical things. So I done got myself some wife beaters because that way I figure I won't piss Daniel off since there will be no t-shirt sleeves to see.

Problem is, whenever I wear undershirts they tend to creep up and not stay tucked into my pants. So today I got clever and tucked my wife beater right into the strap of my underpants. End result was that I felt Mormon all day - like I was wearing one of their celestial garments. Like this one:

My wife beater makes me feel fat because it adds a whole new layer that my pants and belt have to wrap around. And I'm sorry, but there just ain't that much room left to spare in that arena. But I have to admit that one of the benefits to my having gotten fat is that at least my upper torso now doesn't look so scrawny. I can actually wear a wife beater now, and as long as your eyes don't go too far south I look halfway decent. F*ck yeah!

Friday, December 03, 2004

I'm stranded in Sunny Eagan Minnesota!

It's Friday night. I was going to play with my friend Chuck E. Cheese tonight, but he done got sick and can't go out. The rest of my work colleagues took our rental cars and went out to play in Uptown where they will eat pizza at Figlio and go roller skating later. I have no idea where the idea for that one came from. I told them to be sure to card any boys they pick up to make sure they're of age.

I want everyone who reads my blog to visit Amy's Diary and tell me what you think. It's one of my favorite things in the world right now.

Now it's time to visit the hotel swimming pool, after having downed three glasses of wine. I drank them while doing my work-related homework, so I guess I'm officially an alcoholic now. Yay!

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

I'm in Sunny Eagan Minnesota

Eagan Minnesota sucks. It's cold and there are no restaurants to speak of. One of my colleagues from New Jersey asked a local cop where she could get some Italian food and he tried to send her to the Olive Garden. Now she's all pissed. What did she expect?

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

Coaster gets pissed

My friend Mindy June moved to England, and she done stole my idea to start a blog. She even went so far as to use false dates on her entries to make it look like she started her blog before I started mine. It reminds me of how when we were in college she used to pretend she didn't like any new band that she wasn't the first of her friends to discover. But she redeemed herself by liking Beulah at my suggestion, so I'll forgive her this transgression. Plus, I miss her and constantly worry about her developing bad teeth now that she's a Blimey & all.

Monday, November 01, 2004

Coaster Punchman is born

My name is Tom, but you can call me Coaster Punchman. The name came about 18 years ago when I was (gasp!) a twenty year old St. Olaf College student obsessed with the necessity of using coasters for beverages on coffee and end tables. I would go into histrionics when friends would visit my dorm room and fail to use coasters.

One night my friend Chuck was hosting a party where he served a bastardization of Wapitui Punch, or WAP. According to Log & Timber Style Magazine, Wapitui Punch is a fruity concoction of various delicious ingredients. But to St. Olaf College students circa 1985, WAP was a revolting mixture of whatever alcoholic beverages one could find. Generally, the MO for a WAP party was to have all your guests bring something to contribute to the punch. So the results could really vary depending on how cheap or tasteless your friends were. Usually by the time the last guest arrived you would have a perfectly vile combination of beer, vodka, red Hi-C, orange juice, Southern Comfort and Gallo wine. Many drank, all vomited later.

Being a bit of a control queen at age 20, I tried to supervise the creation of Chuck's WAP punch, and admonished both my host and his guests for their failure to either provide or use coasters in connection with this gala affair in Chuck's dorm room. As a reward for my preoccupation with both the WAP punch and coasters, I earned the nickname Coaster Punchman. It has a catchy ring, so I don't mind it.

Monday, October 11, 2004

MTM your friends and loved ones!

Coaster Punchman's World offers a free and unique Mary-Tyler-Moore'ing service. If you have a friend or loved one in need, CP will phone him or her and perform, live, his rendition of Mary Tyler Moore's theme song.

Being MTM'd by CP has been described as, among other things, "a mystical cure all." See CPW, comment by Melinda June (October 8, 2006).

MTM'ing your friend or loved one is easy. Just follow these simple steps:

1. Email your friend's name and phone number to CP at cp.marytylermoore@yahoo.com.

2. CP will phone your friend and perform Mary's theme song.

3. Your friend will be magically cured of whatever ails him or her.

Note: CP adheres to a strict privacy policy. Phone numbers will be held in the strictest confidence, and will be destroyed immediately upon a successful MTM'ing.

For the history and philosophies behind CP's MTM Project, click here.