Tuesday, July 29, 2008

The Mama Gin Files: CP can stay in New York with Poor George and his baby!

As any regular reader of The Mama Gin Files knows, Mama Gin is obsessed with Poor George having a baby. At this point she even seems to be dropping the requirement that there be a marriage, so crucial is the idea of procreation to her.

This past weekend we had two visitors from Chicago (or Bangladesh by way of Chicago) - Lulu from the Wonderful Land-0-Lulu, and Lulu's friend Jane. (See the link for a lovely recap of our food-filled weekend.) Whenever Mama Gin even suspects a female may be near the premises, she starts getting ideas.

This time, after Jane and Lulu had left for a few hours to go visit our friend Wonderturtle, Mama Gin came down and asked me which one of Poor George's two girlfriends was going to have George's baby. When I shrugged my shoulders, Mama Gin threw aside any preliminaries and simply asked how many months it would be until the baby was born.

Having learned how frustrating it is to argue with her, I just threw out the number "six." Mama Gin giggled with delight, and launched into a series of directives that I would have the pleasure of listening to anywhere from five to ten times in a row. To the certain delight of you, my Gentle Readers, I caught one of her visits on video.

An approximate transcript is provided below. Enjoy.


Mama Gin: (knock knock)

CP: Come in!

MG: Georgie go out?

CP: Yes, he went out.

MG: I likey Georgie no sell this-a housey, he stay New York better.

CP: Stay New York better? I think he still wants to move to California.

MG: He likey California?

CP: Yes.

MG: No, here good. Here the money good. California little money. Here, the money up.

CP: Here the money is up and in California it's down?

MG: Huh?

CP: The money is better here?

MG: I likey he here! This-a housey I give to him! That's all!

CP: Oh.

MG: I go San Francisco, planey. I go Michael housey, planey. Like that.

CP: Oh.

MG: I let Georgie and the baby stay here. Yah, you tell him.

CP: Well I think he wants to take the baby to California.

MG: No, California no good. California the money little little, no good.

CP: No good?

MG: New York better. I likey he stay New York better.

CP: Don't you want....

MG: This-a housey I give to him, his children, I don't mind. Let him get the housey for the children, for the wife, everything. I only need a couple.....maybe I have money, I go Stanley housey, vacation, like that.

CP: Umm hmm.

MG: Yah, you tell him, OK?

CP: Well I thought he wanted to sell the house. Don't you want to sell?

MG: I don't wanna sell. I likey he and wife and children sleepy and stay here.

CP: Ok.

MG: Stay here better. YOU! (GIGGLE) You and him, all stay here!

CP: Ok.

MG: Me, I go Stanley housey, vacation. I go to Michael housey, vacation.

CP: Ok.

MG: Some time I take the baby. I likey.

CP: I know you like the babies.

MG: Yah! Only take the baby. The baby stay here. New York good. New York go to school, everything good. You tell Georgie don't move! Stay here!

CP: Ok.

MG: Housey, I give to him and he baby.

CP: Ok.

MG: Yah, baby! You stay with him! (Giggle!)

CP: Oh I get to stay too? Thank you! I'm happy about that, I like that!

MG: I go to Stanley housey, vacation! I go Michael housey, vacation! Like that!

CP: Ok.

MG: He stay!

CP: He stays! Ok, I'll tell him.

MG: I tell him not sell, stay!

CP: Ok.

MG: You stay and he stay and wifey, everything, he stay, he children.

CP: Ok. We all stay together.

MG: I likey like that. I go here, go here, go here, he stay here.

CP: Ok.

MG: Not sell. Ok?

CP: Can we move into your apartment?

MG: Huh?

CP: Can we have your apartment?

MG: My apartment I can sleep one time but too muchy for me!

CP: Too messy for you?

MG: I no want it. Georgie get marry, I let Georgie get it.

CP: Ok.

MG: I go to Stanley housey couple months, I go Michael housey couple months, right here, easy, right?

CP: Ok.

MG: Only me.

CP: Ok.

MG: If he want I take care his baby! (Giggle!)

CP: Ok.

MG: Oh! I think I have no power! My hand no good, no power!

CP: No powder?

MG: (Making baby rocking motion) Like that! I hold the baby! I am eighty......I don't know, let me see.....

CP: You're 85?

MG: I born in 1923.

CP: Ok.

MG: 1923......

CP: Yep, you're 85.

MG: Yah, 85, right?

CP: Yes.

MG: I likey you, you stay with him, OK! I go this time, this time, this time, like that.

CP: Ok, I'll be the nursemaid.

MG: Yah, you tell him, ok?

CP: Ok.

MG: I no likely he sell this-a housey. No go, the money little. Here, good money, good, good, right?

CP: Um hm.

MG: Here the money better outside.

CP: Would it be better for him to have a boy baby or a girl baby?

MG: Giggle!! Hee hee hee hee!!!! Everything I likey! A boy, a girl, I likey!

CP: You like everything?

MG: A boy, a girl, talk to me, play with me! I likey! GIGGLE!

CP: All right, bye bye!

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Somebody please shoot me

Today I actually used the phrase "My bad!" in an email to a colleague.

I need to get out of here.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Happy Birthday Mindy June!

Happy Birthday to Mindy June!

Of course she won't have as much fun as the birthday weekend she spent with us, but this is her last hurrah in Merry Olde Engeland, or however they spell that, so I'm sure she'll tie one on and start a fight or something.

That cake is supposed to be a Union Jack. Couldn't find one with candles, sorry.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Midwesterners are Weird: Pizza

Midwesterners are Weird is a new CPW series where we will discuss why Midwesterners are weird. Just in case you couldn't figure that out from the title.

I was born an Upper-Midwesterner and remained one until I was 26. So I guess I will never escape these roots that first sprang forth in South Dakota, became cemented in Illinois and were further refined in Minnesota. And I use the term Upper-Midwesterner to clarify that I am from the aforementioned states and not from places some people like to call the "Midwest," such as Missouri (hello, were you even a free state?) or even Oklahoma. I'm sorry, Oklahoma has nothing to do with where I'm from except for the fact that my dad was born there. But that was just an unfortunate mistake.

One time I even overheard a guy from Kentucky telling someone he was from the same part of the country that I was from. I nearly slugged him, except that being Midwestern I'm simply passive-aggressive.

Anyhoo, Mindy June, who is returning to her own Midwestern roots next month after a four-year sojourn in the UK, recently posted about Midwestern pizza. I miss Midwestern pizza, even though I'm much closer to it geographically than poor Mindy June. In the Midwest we like to pound square things into round holes and things like that. One iteration of this would be in the way we cut up our round pizza pies into little squares. It makes no sense, but I like it. It's so much fun to have all those different little sizes. Cheesy treats. Yum. Just fix your eyes on the photo above for a few minutes. Don't you just want to crawl on top of that pie and make sweet love to it?

Funny thing too is that I lived in the Chicago area for 14 years, and now have been in New York for nearly 10 years. That's a combined 24 years in two of the USA's hottest pizza centers. And yet, what pizza would I make the sweetest love to, given the opportunity? What pizza keeps me up at night with my deep longing for it?

It's pizza from St. Paul, Minnesota, from a joint called Red's Savoy. Mindy is right - their pizza kicks ASS. It is perfect. And in proper Midwestern fashion, they will serve you a round pie cut up into cute little squares. It's like your whole dinner is an appetizer. There is nothing bad about Red's Savoy pizza. There is only good to be found there.

And now I am in such craving mode I may have to make a special trip there just to have it. Drool. Slurp.


Sunday, July 13, 2008

Annoying things my sales reps do and say to me - Hank

Hank is actually not one of my sales reps - he belongs to one of my fellow Strategic Sales Executives. But this is just as annoying as anything one of mine could do.

Bill, my fellow Strategic Sales Executive, is out on vacation and has an out-of-office email message directing inquiries to our boss.

The other day my boss received one such inquiry, from Hank. This is what it said:

"Bill is out on vacation so he can't attend this meeting with me next week. I need someone to come with me, someone who knows Product X very well and who can hit it out of the park. I need them to be able to discuss Product X intelligently with an accounting firm customer, and who can cover all the nuances of the product."

So essentially what he is saying is "I really need help from someone who won't get any sales credit or commission. And they better know what the fuck they are doing."


At first I drafted an email response to Hank as follows:

"Hank, I am available to help you next week, but only with a minimum level of competence. I most likely will not 'hit it out of the park' as you require, but if I'm lucky, may be able to get a base hit."

I did not send it. Instead, I simply replied to my boss, saying "it appears that Hank has very high standards and as such I will not have the time required next week to prepare the level of presentation that would be acceptable to him. Sorry!"

Can I just reiterate that I really, really hate sales people?

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

The Mama Gin Files: Tom stole the deed!

Gentle Readers,

Words alone are not sufficient to make you understand what we endure living with Mama Gin. Enjoy this latest episode of The Mama Gin Files wherein our squalid protagonist accuses me of stealing the deed to the house that she owns jointly with Poor George.

Several months ago Mama Gin dropped by to give George what she thought was the deed to the house. (Naturally, it was only a photocopy; George has the original in safe deposit and would never dream of leaving anything that important in Mama Gin's greasy hands.) Poor George was not home at the time, so Mama Gin handed me the deed and asked me to deliver it to him.

Mistakenly, I agreed.

About a month ago, Mama Gin started coming down at regular intervals to inquire whether I had actually delivered the deed to George. After her 80th visit or so, I got fed up with her incessant questioning and decided to return her copy of the deed to her. What follows is the result of such an ill-conceived action.

Keep in mind that this episode repeated itself for a full 30 minutes, both before and after I took the video footage.

As always, an approximate transcript is provided for your enhanced viewing pleasure.

Confidential to Beckeye: next time you tell us or anyone else how bad you feel for Mama Gin, we are sending her to live with you. Consider yourself on notice.

CP: Ok, Mama Gin is on the warpath because she thinks I stole the deed to the house. So she's pounding on the door.


CP: Hello?


CP: Ok. What?

MG: You give me the deed!

CP: That's the deed.

MG: No!!

CP: Yes it is!

MG: No, this-y not, I give you the deed! Big! Long!

CP: Well, I don't know what you're talking about. Tell me what was in the envelope that you gave me.

MG: Yah, I give you in here!!!!

CP: What was in the envelope? What was in it?

MG: I give YOU!!!!

CP: That's what you gave me!

MG: No! This-y OLD OLD OLD! No good!

CP: That's not a good deed? I didn't realize you were an attorney.

MG: It say 1997!

CP: Yeah, that's when you bought the house.

MG: No!! I buy the housey not 1997!

CP: Yes you did!

MG: No! This-y not what I give you! This-y old one!

CP: There's only one deed! That's the deed!

MG: No! I give you! I saw you put inside!

CP: Well that's what he has.

MG: No, not this-y one, this-y old one!

CP: Well you're going to have to talk to George, I can't help you any more.

MG: You find it! You look it!

CP: Ok. (closes door.) Bitch. She'll be back pounding on the door. She's been pounding on the door for the past half hour. She is driving me CRAZY.


CP: Here she goes! (opens door.) Ok, what?

MG: You look for the housey! I give YOU! You put there!

CP: That's the deed to the house.

MG: No, not this-y, small one. Big, long, heavy!

CP: Well you need to describe to me what these documents were.

MG: Papers in here!

CP: But I don't know what papers you're talking about.

MG: No, no! This-y no good! This-y old, very old, no good!

CP: Ok. (closes door.)

MG: Hey! For me!!