Another Awkward Tale - part 5

Gentle Readers,

Happy New Year and happy reading! Part 5 of my Awkward College Romance story is posted here.

It's also my birthday today. Please worship me.

Love and coasters,

CP

CP has a new policy on Memes

This picture has nothing to do with this post. This is my new dining set that I bought for a song at a consignment shop. It's vaguely Mission style so it fits the style of my house. There is a beautiful wood inlay design on the top that you can't see in this picture. It's also currently located in my office (above) because I don't yet have a functioning dining room. Do you like my paint job? (Please ignore the inner parts of the window frames, as I was unable to get to them to paint them, and I was lucky enough just to get these three windows open let alone take on the project to remove the frames for painting.)

Gentle Readers,





Many of us do Memes, which can be fun. Sometimes we tag each other to do the Memes. (And for the record, I've gone all German with the word Memes and have decided it should be Capitalized on accounta it's a noun, but only because it's a noun that screams to have something all German done to it.)





Most of you know I'm horrible at responding to tags. I have a hard time making the rounds to all my beloved stalkees, and sometimes I don't even know I've been tagged until weeks later and then I feel like an ass. (Mainly because I am an ass, but it just make it worse.)





And now I can't even get Technorati to work any more to tell me when someone mentions me in a blog post, so if anyone has suggestions on how I can be more timely alerted to such things I will be your second best friend. (On accounta you probably already have a first best friend.)





Since posting takes effort and I'm generally unwilling to make any on accounta I'm a lazy son-of-a-bitch, I now declare the following policy: If you tag me in a Meme, or if you just do a Meme and I happen to stop by your place, I too will do the Meme, but in your comments section rather than making my own post.





See here for my first installment.





Love and coasters,


CP

CP's Pretend Interviews with Bloggers - Lulu Redux

We recently traveled to Bangladesh to sit down for another pretend-interview with blogger legend Lulu.

CP: So Lulu, how are you enjoying your fabulous ex-pat life?

Lulu: Why don't you read my blog and find out for yourself?

CP: Touchy touchy! But FYI, I do check in with you practically every day, not only because you are entertaining and are doing interesting things with your life, but also because I never know when the next monsoon or whatever other natural disaster is about to hit.

Lulu: I'm very impressed. But do you think my blog is going to inform you that I've been swept out into the Indian Ocean?

CP: Good point. But anyway, my Gentle Readers can click over to your blog if they want to read about Bangladesh. Today we're going to talk about more of our personal history.

Lulu: Imagine that. Well it's not like I have a choice anyway since you're the only one writing this.

CP: Once again, you are correct. In fact, why stop at pretending to interact with bloggers? Maybe I'll get a fake boyfriend I can pretend to have sex with while I'm at it. Or a fake job.

Lulu: You already have one of those.

CP: Very funny.

Lulu: So can we get to the story here? My driver's waiting. And why is it only me you do these fake interviews with? You label these posts "Pretend Interviews with Bloggers," not "Pretend Interviews with Lulu."

CP: Well, forgive me for making you the center of attention. Not much of a princess, are we?

Lulu: On second thought, carry on CP!

CP: Thank you. So I thought it would be fun if we relived the night you came out to my parents' house in that annoying Chicago suburb when we had dinner that time.

Lulu: Oh yes, that was a great night. What came first, the pot or the champagne?

CP: Who knows. Probably the pot, or else we wouldn't have gotten so involved trying to decipher the graphical instructions on the champagne bottle.

Lulu: You mean the picture of the guy pointing the cork side of the bottle right at his face, with the word NO printed in bold letters?

CP: That's the one! And don't forget the other picture of the lady with the bottle pointed AWAY from her, with the word YES.

Lulu: That was quite fun. We both kept grabbing the bottle to point and unpoint it while saying "NO, YES, NO YES...."

CP: See what I mean about the pot?

Lulu: Yes and no. I mean, I had to have been high to sit and do something that stupid for an extended period. You on the other hand....

CP: That's quite enough Lu.

Lulu: And when you went to look for the pot you started in on this stupid voice where you were pretending to be a suburban housewife looking for her drugs. You kept saying "Honey, where did you put the pot paraphernalia? The kids will be home soon. Honey?"

CP: I know, I'm really funny sometimes.

Lulu: Hilarious. Can I go now?

CP: Well wait a second. Isn't that also the night you first met my dad?

Lulu: Oh yes it was. He and your mom came home from a party and your dad decided I needed to hear some dirty joke involving a camel and a French tickler. Your mom was screaming and would not let him finish the story.

CP: Did you want to know how it ended?

Lulu: Um, no thanks.

CP: Well thanks again for pretending to answer our questions here at CPW, Lu. See you in July!

Happy Birthday in the Land-o-Lulu!

Happy Birthday Lulu!

You'll always be older than me!


Love,
CP

Restaurant tag

Lu tagged me to write about my top five favorite places to eat in my "location." Then I am supposed to add myself to the bottom of this list and pass it on, preferably to people in other states and countries.

Participation is strictly voluntary, but for those who are inclined I am tagging my sister Marg, my cousin Beth, my blogger friend Beth, the Freelance Cynic, and Tenacious S.

Include the city/state and country you’re in.

Nicole (Sydney, Australia)
velverse (Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia)
LB (San Giovanni in Marignano, Italy)
Selba (Jakarta, Indonesia)
Olivia (London, England)
ML (Utah, USA)
Lotus (Toronto, Canada)
tanabata (Saitama, Japan)
Andi (Dallas [ish], Texas, United States)
Lulu (Chicago, Illinois, United States)
CP (Brooklyn, New York, but formerly of West Hollyrock, California, USA)

I have written quite a bit about NYC restaurants such as here and here. I also have a lot of favorite eateries in my former home of Los Angeles, so I'm pretending I still live there for purposes of this blog post.

1. El Coyote

This place rocks. It is by no means high brow Mexican food, but it's just great in that quasi trashy Cal-Mex sort of way. Their green corn tamales are to die for - my mom even used to take them home frozen whenever she visited me in LA. And it's great for B and C list celebrity sightings. I once saw Ricardo Montalban, and always prayed I'd see Carol Burnett there as my friend MJCAT once did.

By the way, remind me to tell you about my Carol Burnett story some time.

2. In-N-Out Burger

For some retarded reason they only have this chain in the Southwestern states. But the locals are fiercely devoted to In-N-Out. It's your basic burger & fries, but the food seems somehow cleaner and fresher. (I'm saying this without doing any amount of research on the actual quality of their ingredients, but I have my hunches.) The menu is very simple, and apparently has not changed in the 50+ years they've been open.

3. Koo-Koo-Roo

Delightful flame broiled chicken place, with that LA gym-bunny "I'm eating clean & healthy!" flair. Rockin good times.

4. Roadside taco stands

You'll find these all over Southern California. Just some guy or gal with a cart and great tasting food. I especially love getting fish tacos down in San Diego.

5. The Abbey

A West Hollywood tradition. When I first moved to LA in 1992 this place was across the street from where it is now, and it was a simple coffee house, great for hanging out and reading. In 1993 they moved to their present location on Robertson Boulevard, and became the staple for my friends and me for general weekend hanging - and even weeknight hanging when we were in the mood. It was still a coffee house, but they had a lot of food at a carry out counter.

However, after I left LA in 1997 the place went on steroids and blossomed into a full service restaurant and bar, although (I think) you can still pretend it's a coffee house, where you can hang out and read. You just have to look prettier.

Although I don't really know the food there, I would still make it one of my top choices because I would have to go experience the new digs for myself.

Lulu sticks it to CP!

Today is the perfect day for a REAL interview with Lulu! And this time Lu's asking the questions.

1. During college, a mutual acquaintance once asked me, in the earnest way that only an 18-year-old can, what "the essence of Tom" was. At the time, I replied that you complained a lot. Is that still accurate? Or do you have a new and improved essence that your readers should be aware of?

I'm amazed that people who knew me when I was 18 are still friends with me. I was C-R-A-Z-Y, and not in a good way. I'm much less intense now, but some might argue much less fun as well. Kind of like one of those manic people who finally gets himself medicated but then misses the extreme highs.

I still complain a lot, but usually in a sorry attempt to be funny. Despite the fact that it makes me doughy and nondescript to be nice, I do try to stay on the positive side of life nowadays. I'd say that's the new Essence of Tom: looking on the bright side.


2. You are known far and wide as a mixologist without peer. If you were to make me a "Coaster Punchman," what would be in it, and how would it be served?

That is an amazing question / suggestion. You may recall that at one point I created the "Swamp Tommy" as an answer to the fabled "Swampwater" from our St. Olaf years, a drink which required that sickly green lime vodka - a vile liquid that is no longer for sale anywhere in the free world. I tried to substitute Midori for the sickly green effect, but it just wasn't the same.

I will take this suggestion to heart by creating a cocktail after my own name. If all goes well, I may initiate a new CPW project of creating custom cocktails for any Gentle Reader who desires it. That might turn into a fee-based service, however.


3. You are also known far and wide as a Schottishe instructor without peer. Can you explain how you came to know this dance, and possibly demonstrate it for us?

Actually, I owe my deep knowledge of this dance genre to the Lovely and Talented Melinda June, who taught me the steps the first time I attended Nordic Fest in Decorah, Iowa with her and other friends.

I can't post a demo right this minute, but here are some written instructions for you:

a. Drink heavily.

b. Put on some geeky sounding folk dance music, the kind you might hear in a German Biergarten.

c. Get three other drunk friends to hold hands with you in a square formation, all facing the same direction.

d. Do this gay little skip-step thing and then alternate between the two back people skipping forward to take the lead, or by passing the same two under the arms of the front group. It's really hard for the uncoordinated, the retarded and the drunk.

e. Repeat steps a through d until you're nauseated.



4. Which character on 90210 are you most like?

That is so unfair and such a loaded question since you already know the answer. For those of you who don't know, I am most like Brenda. Mainly due to the following famous line, which has already been memorized by those who know CP most intimately:

"Brandon, can I tell you something and you have to swear not to tell anyone? When I forced Dylan to choose between me and Kelly, I never thought it was a contest. I never thought that I would lose."

We don't need to revisit the actual context of this statement in my own life. It should be enough for my Gentle Readers to know that it was true.


5. If you were able to go back in time and talk to Joseph Smith, Jr., what would you ask him? (What the fuck were you thinking? is too easy. Dig deeper.)

I would ask him why he couldn't have been a little more creative when he pretended to receive a revelation about the need for celestial underwear. Everyone knows he received his "revelation" on the propriety of plural marriage because he was a big old horn dog. Why didn't he take it a step further and pretend that God told him the gals were required to wear fishnets and pasties instead of this?

If you would like your very own REAL interview with CP, email me!

CP's Pretend Interviews with Bloggers: Lulu Part 2

We recently pretended to sit down with Lulu for another fake interview. We asked her about the early days of her friendship with CP, and how she's managed to put up with his bullshit for the past 23 years.

CP: So Lu, tell my readers about how we met.

Lulu: Why should I? You already described it quite well in your blog post except that I am still not convinced I was wearing sweat pants on that bus. What, do you think I'm some kind of slob or something?

CP: Depends. How many kinds of slobs are there?

Lulu: I'm the funny one here, CP.

CP: Right. So anyway, what made you decide you liked CP?

Lulu: Well, isn't that just the kind of self-centered ego-centric question we've come to expect from you? Here's why: I liked your eyebrows, and that you were knitting. You were also tall and wore a handsome green Woolrich coat. I was a label queen in those days, remember.

CP: How could I forget?

Lulu: Believe me, we all know you never forget anything. So anyway, I finished out that year at St. Olaf, and saw you on campus from time to time. One night you dropped by my room unexpectedly, and I was in my nightgown reading a stack of books. You told me I looked like one of the Monty Python characters with his pot-o-beans.

CP: How nice of me.

Lulu: Tell me about it, asshole. But you were quirky and kind of cute, so I didn't really mind it all that much.

CP: I know, that's what many of my clients tell me.

Lulu: So at the end of the year I took a leave of absence from St. Olaf, because 90% of the people there are stuck up assholes with whom I had little in common save my Scandinavian heritage.

CP: Present company included, surely.

Lulu: You said it, I didn't. I moved back in with my parents in Mt. Prospect, got a job and started saving money for my next college adventure.

CP: That's right, and you and I began a long-distance phone friendship that got quite intense, remember?

Lulu: Yes I do. I especially remember the time you hunted me down on the phone at my friend's house just to tell me you were having a crisis because you discovered some new pants you had bought contained polyester.

CP: Well can you blame me? That was an emergency in my book.

Lulu: You had bought them at Carson's in Chicago, a store that didn't exist in Minnesota at the time. You wanted to mail them to me so that I could return them for you. When I received the package, you had written across it, in large black letters, "WARNING: CONTAINS POLYESTER PANTS. CONTENTS HIGHLY FLAMMABLE." The postman thought I was nuts.

CP: Why would he think you were nuts? You didn't write it.

Lulu: I know, but the fact that I knew someone who would do that made me highly suspect.

CP: Oh well, it was funny right?

Lulu: Oh, hilarious. But not as hilarious as that time you decided to be a TOTAL asshole by actually MAILING me a.....

CP: Um Lu, sorry, our time is up for today. Let's talk about that in our next fake interview. Or not.


Stay tuned for more of CP's Pretend Interviews with Bloggers.

Parent from hell: My Mom!

One time Lulu, who is a high school teacher, shared a horrific story about a parent-from-hell. It's stories like this that kept me from being a teacher; I figured I would just storm off the job one day and that would be the end of my career- so why decide to start?

The parent-stories that both Lulu and Megan tell have prompted me to think about my own parents' interactions with my teachers. To be perfectly frank, I feel my teachers got the short end of the stick on occasion.

For example, one time in seventh grade I procrastinated writing a report until it became an emergency to get it done late Sunday night- and I needed my dad's help because I didn't understand some of the material I was reading. He was quite annoyed that I had waited so long to get started, so to save face I lied and said the teacher had just assigned it on Friday and it wasn't fair, blah blah blah. (We had actually beein given over three weeks to work on it.)

At the end of the quarter when my dad had to sign my report card, he wrote a terse note to the teacher to the effect of "it is unfair not to give your students adequate time to do their assignments" - and specifically referenced the report I had almost tanked on. I cringed when I handed back the report card, hoping my teacher would not read it. He never mentioned it to me, so I hope that is the case.


Then in eighth grade I had this perfectly lovely English/History/Social Studies teacher, Mrs. S. She was just about the sweetest woman ever. Anyway, my problem with procrastination was not new at that point, and I would regularly put off working on major assignments until I was down to the wire - a system that has served me well my entire life. (Some of us need a fire under our asses to perform.)

We had been "working" all semester on a research paper, and were required to hand in various interim assignments to chart our progress (e.g. have 100 note cards filled out by one date, have an outline by another date, etc.) I regularly failed to hand in the preliminary assignments because they weren't graded separately from the paper, and therefore I didn't care. I knew I would get the paper done somehow.

About four weeks into the paper schedule, Mrs. S. started freaking out because I wasn't doing the work. She reprimanded me several times a week, and I kept promising to get more done.

Then one day Mrs. S. came up to me in the classroom, looking very upset.

"Tom, I need to talk to you. It's very important."

Oh my god, I must be in big trouble this time, I thought.

"I called your mother yesterday to let her know how concerned I am about your lack of progress on this research paper. And you know what she said? She said that you think I hate you. How could you possibly think that about me? You know that's not true!" I think she even had tears in her eyes.

So I'm thinking "what on earth did my mom say to her, and why?" I didn't remember ever saying anything negative to my parents about Mrs. S. She was one of my favorite teachers ever. So I outright denied it to Mrs. S. and told her I had absolutely no idea why she would think that, except that maybe I had grumbled at the dinner table about having to do the research paper or something. I felt really bad that Mrs. S. was so upset, so I tried to convince her not to worry. I'm not sure it worked.

That evening I confronted my mother and asked her what she had said to Mrs. S. She said "well from what you say about her, it sounds like you think she doesn't like you."

???

27 years later, I still feel bad about how sad my mom made Mrs. S. feel.

All this talk from Lulu and Megan about parents from hell got me thinking about this. My parents had both been teachers, and both knew how it felt to have parents side with their children against them. Yet my parents were both completely willing to do the same, even when their son (me) was nothing but a lying complainer without a shred of evidence to support his accusations against his teachers. And especially in the case of Mrs. S. where I hadn't even provided them any information as to why they should attack her.


I'm telling you, you could not pay me enough to be a teacher. Ok, well maybe you could pay me enough, but I don't think any school would pay me would it take to put up with that shit.

And besides, being a Stragetic Sales Executive is heaven!*


*At CPW, heaven and hell are the same.

Teacher teacher

Lulu and Megan are both teachers, and both share a lot of stories about their jobs. Gets me to thinking about how much the world has changed - and hasn't changed - since I was in school.

Megan's story about handing out stickers (as in gold stars and that sort of thing) got me thinking about my sixth grade teacher, Ms. Pav. Ms. Pav was a weirdo artist type, so of course I absolutely adored her. She used to do things like take us down into this dark basement gym and perform interpretive dances for us. One time she got on the floor under a blanket and then wriggled out from under it, butt-first. I think she called that one "The Cocoon."

Anyway, Ms. Pav also had bizarre forms of punishment for us. For example, she kept all of our names on a rolodex on her desk. If she caught you chewing gum, she would affix a pink tab to your card. And if you got caught throwing something, your card got a black tab.

Once you accumulated three tabs of either color, you were required to bring in treats for the whole class. That was the punishment.

No wonder I still have a warped attachment to candy.

Occasionally I would decide my class was in need of treats, so I would purposely get caught chewing gum and/or throwing things. (Note to self: why didn't I ever try throwing gum? Could have been a two-for-one.) Then I would lie to my parents and say we had a birthday or something and that I needed treats to share with the class. Worked like a charm.

I'm really not sure what the psychology was behind all this. I think she was fucking with us. Good for her.

Next on tap: Lulu inspires CP's own "Parent-from- hell" story - and this one's about MY MOM!

I've been link-dumped

Gentle Readers,

I enjoy reading everyone on my link list, though I don't always find the time to visit every single one of you each day or even each week, depending on what is going on in my life. Hell, just tonight I realized I hadn't been to my own sister's blog in weeks.

Tonight I have insomnia (gave all my damn pills to Lulu!) - so I'm awake and doing some catch-up work. I just came to the crushing realization that I have been link-dumped by at least one of my gentle readers. Ostensibly for lack of visiting lately.

I feel like shit. It's been a long time since I've been broken up with, but I think this is kind of what it felt like.

Oh, and there are a few of you out there to whom I have promised links. It's all coming. Sometimes I just can't bear the thought of opening that damn template file, so please understand.

Sniff.

Coaster Punchman's Pretend Interview with Lulu

Several of my blogger friends like Bella Rossa and Chris have recurring series involving interviews with other bloggers. In fact, Chris just recently interviewed Lulu on his blog.

Then there is Echo, whose own recent project involves stealing from others' blogs.

To honor the genius of these three excellent writers, I figured it would be a good idea to throw my own idea in with theirs by pretending to interview Lulu. See how that works? I'm stealing from Chris and Bella by interviewing Lulu, and then stealing from Echo by stealing from other bloggers. To top it all off, the idea only to pretend-interview Lulu, rather than actually interviewing her, is my own. This works well for me because I'm lazy and real interviews are more work.

And so you see, Gentle Readers, that four heads working together are much better than one!

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Coaster Punchman's Pretend Interview with Lulu


Coaster Punchman recently pretended to sit down with Blogger matron Lulu to have a chat about her sex life, former modeling career, her Monty Python Pot'o'Beans nightgown and her obsessive love for They Might Be Giants.

Ok, well the interview is really only about her obsessive love for They Might Be Giants. But we might get to those other topics eventually.

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CP: So Lulu, I understand you did business with some Johns at least once in your life. Did you have a pimp-daddy to help arrange that, or were you on your own?

Lulu: Fuck you, CP. Go call yourself a whore for a change. I am out of here.

CP: No, wait Lu... here, I've got some bacon.....

Lulu: Mmmmmmmm, bacon.....

CP: There, do you feel better now?

Lulu: Yes CP, you are just as brilliant as ever, and gorgeous too!

CP: Why thank you! Now can we talk about these Johns for minute?

Lulu: Yes CP, I did tell you that I have engaged in a business transaction with at least one John before. However, it was not when I was out turning tricks. The John I'm referring to is one of the Johns from They Might Be Giants. He came into Starbucks when I was schlepping beans there.

CP: Wow Lu, that's really cool!

Lulu: I know! Please worship me now.

CP: I already do. So anyway, which John from They Might Be Giants was it? John Linnell or John Flansburgh?

Lulu: I don't know. I'm not really doing this interview, remember? This is just you pretending to be me.

CP: Yeah, that's right. Maybe you'll clear that up when you comment on this brilliant post. So anyway, tell me more about this chance meeting with John from They Might Be Giants.

Lulu: Well, one morning I was at work when this guy comes up to the counter and orders a cappuccino or something like that.

CP: How unusual for that to happen in a Starbucks!

Lulu: Shut your god-damned mouth and let me finish the story. You always have to be a smart-ass.

CP: Sorry.

Lulu: So I look up at the man who ordered the hot beverage and behold, it's John from They Might Be Giants!

CP: Wow! So did you like swoon or something?

Lulu: I didn't really swoon, but I did say "Hey, you're who I think you are, aren't you?" And he replied "Yes! I'm Elton John!"

CP: Elton John? Why did he pick Elton John? Is he gay or something?

Lulu: CP, I swear....

CP: Ok, ok. Go on with the story.

Lulu: So he's smirking, telling me he's Elton John. So I say "But you don't understand. I LOVE you!" And then he says "I love you too!"

CP: Oh my God. You probably giggled like a school girl!

Lulu: In fact, I did! And then I wet my pants a little because I was so giddy!

CP: You wet your pants, really?

Lulu: No, this is just you pretending to be me, remember? You're trying to embarrass me.

CP: Yeah, I keep forgetting. Well anyway, thanks so much for sitting down with us today, Lulu. It's always so great to see you.

Lulu: You too, CP. Can I get back to my own blog now? You're a real pain in my ass.

CP: I know. But I'm trying to change. Bye Lu!

These are the Johns from They Might Be Giants. One of them is in love with Lulu, but we don't know which one.

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Stay tuned for more of Coaster Punchman's Pretend Interviews with Bloggers!