This guy is my new hero

So this guy from Wisconsin moved to Utah, opened up a beer brewery, billed himself as Another Utah Pioneer! and started marketing this brew:

This is not even a joke. Have you ever anything as wonderful? I have not.

Love and coasters,

CP

I'm just a-lovin' the new blog layout

These boys are Mormon missionaries, apparently running a mission on the moon. They also have nothing to do with the subject of this post.

Thank God Bubs asked us to help promote Nora in the Fangoria Spooksmodel Contest. If it hadn't been for Bubs' asking us to help out, I never would have tried to give Nora a perma-link on my sidebar, never would have failed miserably at it, and subsequently never would have decided I needed to revamp my blog to join the 21st century (post aught-four.)

My old template would simply not support Nora in all her nursely ghoulishness, and I so wanted to help that I actually began the arduous task of reformatting. Which turned out not to be arduous at all. And is the reason y'all are (maybe not?) enjoying my whole new look.

I lost the bulk of my regular Gentle Readers over the past months, probably ever since Proposition 8 passed when I began to spend months being all angry and serious about it, and losing my mojo for writing in the process.

But that's all water under the bridge now, Gentle Readers, and we start anew.

What has changed the most is that the new template enabled me to do that coolio link thing where I can see immediately which of my stalkees has posted. This saves me the arduous task of clicking into all 50+ of my stalkees' blogs every day to see what is going on. That is the primary reason why I hadn't been reading & commenting on your blogs - it just got too damn hard to keep up with everyone.

So now, I am lovin' the ability to keep up with y'all more easily, Gentle Readers. And I hope you love me stopping over more often now.




Oh please, like we're not all attention whores.

Love & coasters,
CP

Prop 8 Protest - San Diego - November 15, 2008

I'm standing near the front of the line holding a big white sign that you probably can't read. It says "GET YOUR CHURCH OUT OF MY MARRIAGE."

Saturday was a day of national protest against the passage of Proposition 8 in California. The bastards that organize the passing of these propositions are sure getting their come-uppance after doing this to California. Everyone understands that's how life is in Alabama, but when they start fucking with California (or New York) it's time for the masses to get pissed. And they are pissed.

Interestingly, San Diego had the largest turnout of any city in the country. I will take credit for this as I've been spouting venom to anyone who will sympathize for weeks now. I'm new to the city so I don't have a lot of friends yet, and now people think I'm a raving lunatic and will probably try to avoid me. I guess that's ok, because they're right.

But let's keep up the fight for equal rights.


CP

Waaaah!!! Why won't you let me talk????

This is a Prop H8 supporter crying.

Also, remember to protest Prop H8 this Saturday!!!

Right-wing groups and their supporters love to shriek that members of progressive movements are always interfering with their "right to free speech."

Not only are the Mormons crying because of the public backlash against them after their multi-million dollar campaign of hatred against the gay community, but now companies and people that are being blacklisted and boycotted due to their publicly documented financial support of Proposition 8 are saying things like "why should I be boycotted for exercising my right to free expression?"

The lawyer in me is always irked by this. Although frankly, it isn't even the lawyer in me that is irked; it's the semi-intelligent being in me that is irked.

Our right to free speech in the U.S. doesn't have anything to do with being civil to each other, folks. It doesn't have anything to do with being nice. The notion of free speech has to do with being able to say what you believe without the GOVERNMENT standing in your way, with occasional exceptions, mostly related to public safety.

So let's get this straight, Mormons and everyone else who doesn't understand this. It's LEGAL for you to say "gays should burn in hell. Or at least they shouldn't get Social Security and health care."

And it's LEGAL for us to reply "any Mormon who supported Prop 8, or anyone else who supported Prop 8, should be boycotted." Not only is it legal, it is fair.

Why is it OK for you to strip me of my civil rights, while it is antithetical to the "democratic process" for me to call for a boycott against you because of your beliefs? (Short answer: the democratic process works both ways, asswipes. If you attack me, you'd better expect to be attacked in return.)

If I read one more statment from the LDS church calling for us to be "civil" to them after this nasty stunt they pulled, I might actually go postal.

Love,

CP

NATIONWIDE Proposition 8 protests - Saturday November 15

Gentle Readers,

Thank you SO MUCH to all of you who commented, donated and took other action to protest the abomination that occurred in California on election day.

Here is the latest on what we can do: there is a NATIONWIDE protest scheduled THIS SATURDAY, November 15 in many cities across the US. The protests are supposed to occur in front of city hall of whatever city you are in.

They will take place all at the same time (10:30 am Pacific, 11:30 Mountain, 12:30 Central, and 1:30 Eastern.)

Check this site to see where to go in your city.

Please keep this fight alive for all of us.

Love,

CP

A few things we can do now

Hi all,

I have the greatest Gentle Readers of any blogger. You all have said "what can I do?"

I have been wrestling with this question, since there has been some debate in the "No on 8" community as to the best course of action. E.g. some are saying "lay off the attack on the Mormons."

While I agree it would be unwise to kill, maim or torture any Mormons physically, that does not mean we have to be quiet about what they and their Evangelical brethren have done to us.

Many are calling for a re-evaluation of their tax-exempt status. They may have the right to their political opinion, but we as taxpayers most certainly do not have to subsidize their illegal campaign of hatred.

Since they have so many bazillions of dollars, we should make them pay their fair share of taxes. Wouldn't that be a nice boost to the economy, and so badly needed at this time?

To see what to do, please visit this post at Katie Schwartz's blog to sign the petition (and a few other helpful items.) It is also possible to donate to the "No on 8" campaign through the link on her site as well.

Love and freedom to marry to you all, Gentle Readers.

CP

Post Prop 8

This is me on election night. I stood with my sign outside the voting site until the bitter end.

Sorry for my absence, Gentle Readers, but I've been a little preoccupied since the Mormons convinced 52% of California voters to put discrimination right into our state constitution this week by approving Proposition 8.

It is the first time a constitution was changed to take rights away from people who already had them. Isn't that charming?

Californians are offended that such a strong out of state push caused this. And if there is any silver lining in this at all, it's that everyone else now hates Mormons almost as much as I do.

People are pissed. I mean, really pissed. We marched 10,000 people strong through the streets of San Diego today - I don't have any pictures, but they are all over the news.

We are not going to stand for this, Gentle Readers. You have my solemn vow that from here on in I will do whatever is necessary to protect MY marriage to Poor George. I hope you are with me.

More coming.

CP

It's official: Mormons are Spawn of Satan

I want everyone to watch the video below. (Thanks to Skyler's Dad for sending me the proper embedding code!)

Not surpisingly, the Mormons are upset by this ad. I can't understand why; the effect of what they do has the exact same outcome. They just like to pretend they are so nice, that they don't hate gay people and that when they spew bile and hatred against us they are "just expressing their opinion" whereas we....

Well, I guess since we aren't full citizens, we don't have the right to our opinion. So I guess their anger is justified.

Enjoy the ad. I did.

CP

Good thing I'm not a violent person

Gentle Readers,

It's really a good thing I'm not a violent person because if I were, the amount of anger I am feeling right now could rear its ugly head and cause me to bitch slap a few Mormons.

I really shouldn't be surprised. It was only a matter of time before the leaders of this tax-exempt institution would launch their attack on gays and lesbians for daring to pretend they could ever achieve equal rights in California by ****gasp**** getting married!

I guess any work the Mormons might be involved in to feed the hungry or help the poor must be put aside until the sodomites are stopped in their tracks! Church leaders are telling their fold to donate "time and means" to ensure that gays and lesbians remain second class citizens in California.

Click here for the whole story.

What do you think we should do about this, Gentle Readers?

CP

I'm Tormented by Mormons in the Night

A Mormon Temple Recommend. You need one of these bad boys to get into a Mormon temple.

And if you think you'll get your hands on one of these before you fork over 10% of your pre-tax income, you'd better think again.

Lulu recently had a boring dream with me in it. I should be so lucky. What kind of dreams to do I get? Well, last night I dreamed about Mormons.

This sick occurrence is probably due to my recent online fight with Pussy Boy (aka Sushi.) Pig fucker.

In this dream I was at a mall that was for some reason attached to a Mormon temple. For my non-Mormon-watching readers, a Mormon temple is where card carrying Mormons perform all the creepy rites they stole from the Masons more than a hundred years ago. They do things like baptize their dead relatives and seal themselves to their families for all eternity.

Sounds kind of like going to Hell to me, but I guess the Mormons like it.

Only Mormons in good standing (read: the ones who regularly fork over 10% of their pre-tax income) get to enter the temples. To be admitted you have to have a special card called a Temple Recommend, given to you by your local church leaders after you hand over those checks they use to purchase all that celestial underwear and the really gay looking white garments they make you wear inside the temples. (A lot of that money also goes to helping suppress the gays, but we've already discussed that ad nauseum on this blog.)

So anyway, I dreamed that I was in this mall and got a bug up my butt about wanting to get myself inside that temple. So I started scheming on how to get my hands on a Temple Recommend.

I ran into one of my law school classmates who is a nice Mormon girl (as if there is such a thing) and asked if I could borrow her Temple Recommend. She said "sure, why not?" and handed it to me.

I approached the mall door that led to the temple and started worrying that they would notice my Temple Recommend was issued to a female named Stephanie and that my little plan might not work.

I don't remember anything else. I guess this story isn't even very interesting, except to note that these God damned Mormons, in addition to not letting me get married, are now ruining my sleep. Fuckers.

Amen.

Marriage and Mormon Mayhem: Sushi hates me now

Well Gentle Readers,

So much for my attempts at diplomacy. Sushi Boy, after sending me these sweet little emails inviting me to post "Friday Field Trips" and signing them "Your friend, Sushi" has written me off because of my former Mormon-watching posts.

True, I had promised to stop taking pot shots at Mormons, which I did - but I forgot to take down the old posts.

So, instead of reading my posts and responding with thoughtful comments (not that he has much ability to think for himself, let alone spell) he decided to read the rest of my blog and was INCENSED at my unwarranted attacks on the Mormon religion!

Just think, how dare I actually MAKE FUN of a religious group that has spent millions of dollars putting ads on TV comparing Poor George and me to a couple of dogs.

Sushi, if you're reading this, hear me loud and clear: I have some nice Mormon friends who actually understand concepts of justice and fairness. Although they love their church, they have apologized to me personally for the pain their church has caused.

You, on the other hand, are not even good enough to call yourself a Mormon. I think you should rip off those underwear and not put them on again until you repent for your atrocious behavior. Someone reaches out to you - and instead of trying to look for understanding and common ground, you go out of your way to find things you can throw back in their face. I gave you how many apologies for having said mean things about Mormons? Many. Even if I did forget to take down the old posts (which I am leaving up, by the way.)

How many apologies have you given me for the things you and your church do to me?

Zero.

Who is acting like a Christian here, Sush? Um, not you, methinks.

Since you obviously equate making underwear jokes with denying civil rights to an entire population of people, I've decided (long after my Gentle Readers who are obviously a lot smarter than I am) that you are not worth the struggle. You are a hopeless case.

Reprinted here for my Gentle Readers is the most recent expression of affection I received from Sush.

Coincidentally, he failed to answer any of my arguments or questions. Hmmm, wonder why? Could it be because he's so wrong he doesn't have anything left to say?

Love,
CP

***************

Tom, So, I read you post. Its the biggest line of BS I've heard lately. I was willing to talk before, but I'm not now.

You have lied to me multiple times, and I'm not going to stick around why you or your friends take shots at me. I've also read the rest of your blog, so I could take you in context. So I could understand how you and George got together, how you felt about one another. Instead I found your Mormon watching junk. When I asked you about it you lied.

You said on Chris's Blog, “But obviously I wouldn't want to hurt anyone's feeling seriously.” Do you honestly expect me to believe that? If its your goal to not hurt “anyone” your either hopelessly inept (and being a lawyer, with many a writing classes under your belt I doubt it), or your lying.

You also said, “"Mormon Watching" is exactly that: keeping an eye on the LDS church to see what they might try to do to me next.” Also a huge line of crap that I'm not buying. Yah, you're full of it.

I could accept you didn't like Mormons. But don't lie to me. Mormon watching is nothing more than your personal vendetta against Mormons. Don't lie to me and tell me its,"I want to see you Mormons will attack me next" You've stated the opposite on your blog, more than once.

I think this whole 'conversation' was a complete ruse to have a go at me. I've never done anything to hurt you, my church despite its political opposition to your 'rights' has also never gone out of its way to hurt you. Never called you names. Never gone out of its way to go into a gay bar and try to hurt as many people as they could. (Like your little temple excursions, where you go trying to make people feel stupid).

I thought maybe you could actually explain why Gay Marriage was a good thing, and not just “not bad” or “not hurting you”. Or at least why you thought so. How dare you tell me to stay on the issue and not defend myself. If I'm called something I'm not I'll defend myself. But Whatever. You stated your purpose almost a month ago, “I'm all for antagonizing Mormons any way I can”. I should have believed you then.

How have you hurt Mormons? You've made a hobby of it. Yah I'm angry, but nobody is perfect. I still will not go out of my way to hurt you or belittle you. You want to bash on Mormons? Go ahead its your first amendment right. But don't expect me to return the favor, and don't expect me to sit around while you do. I've got better things to do.

I'd prefer not to here from you again.

Hook & Eye Dutch

Legacy CPW members are well aware of my fascination with religious freaks. Ever since I declared CPW an autonomous dictatorship, there is no First Amendment here which means we are able to place undue burdens on the freedom of religion as often as we'd like. This also means that if you are religious, especially in a Celestial Underwear-wearing or dead-relative-marrying kind of way, we have no qualms about ripping you limb from limb at CPW, the Internets' most friendly, tolerant and inclusive webspace!

Today's lesson in freaky religions is on the Amish. I don't have anything against the Amish, really. As far as I know, they keep to themselves and try hard not to get involved in things like book burning or voting to incinerate homosexuals. Therefore, I pretty much leave them to their barn raisings and other early 19th-century-loving oddities.

But naturally, that won't stop me from making fun of them. What would be the point of that?

One of my favorite things is when whacked out religious groups sub-categorize themselves into even stranger subsets. Like the Mormons with their cute little intragroup arguments on the propriety of marrying off one's 11-year-old daughter to some old geezer who already has three other wives. "You won't let me sell my little girl the minute she starts to menstruate? Fine! I'm starting my own denomination!" I bet the Grand Schism of Mormondom (as I like to call it) involved a conversation exactly like that.

If you're familiar with the Amish, also known as the Pennsylvania Dutch, you may know that they also have several subcategories. My personal favorite is a subset of Amish who consider it too vain and worldly to use buttons. Yes, I said buttons, Gentle Readers. Those round things you use to fasten your sweaters and coats and such. Buttons are strictly verboten in the world of this little Amish sect, and so adherents are instructed to use other means to fasten their clothing, such as hooks & eyes - you know, those things women use to fasten their bras with.

Now don't get me wrong here; hooks & eyes are all well and good. But what really makes me laugh is how the non-Amish refer to these people. When you spend time in places like Wisconsin and Iowa, you get to talk about this stuff a lot, which to me is one of the main benefits of visiting those states.

Like one time when I was visiting Mindy's parents in rural Iowa. We were sitting around discussing corn de-tasseling or some other Iowan thing like that when Mindy's mom started talking about their "Hook & Eye Dutch" neighbors.

"Hook & Eye Dutch?" I replied. "What is that?!"

"The Hook & Eye Dutch! You've never heard of them? It's those Amish people who aren't allowed to use buttons!" Mindy's mom replied. She almost sounded incredulous, as if having a non-button-believing religious sect for your neighbors was the most normal thing in the world.

I suppose it might be when you live in rural Iowa. Which is why every time I go there I come home understanding Mindy just a little bit better than before.



*Props to Pink Fluffy Slippers for putting the whole "Hook & Eye" idea in my head when she blogged about her new hook & eye skirt. She could almost be Amish although she would have to give up her cello.

A pair of Celestial Underwear for every pot!

Grant Miller has joined the bandwagon of cool kids by (finally) posting about Mormons.

Pretty much the only joy I derive from Evangelicals is watching them attack Mormons. Like during the Olympics in Salt Lake City, when they cooked up this big scheme to convert the Mormons en masse. That was pretty fucking awesome. Having those two groups at each others' throats gets them off my back for a change.

Katie Schwartz, if you're reading this I think it's about time we get cooking on a joint letter to LeeWee about Mr. Romney. I think she'll agree that one Mormon on Capitol Hill is enough!