Monday, November 12, 2007

I'm Tormented by Mormons in the Night

A Mormon Temple Recommend. You need one of these bad boys to get into a Mormon temple.

And if you think you'll get your hands on one of these before you fork over 10% of your pre-tax income, you'd better think again.

Lulu recently had a boring dream with me in it. I should be so lucky. What kind of dreams to do I get? Well, last night I dreamed about Mormons.

This sick occurrence is probably due to my recent online fight with Pussy Boy (aka Sushi.) Pig fucker.

In this dream I was at a mall that was for some reason attached to a Mormon temple. For my non-Mormon-watching readers, a Mormon temple is where card carrying Mormons perform all the creepy rites they stole from the Masons more than a hundred years ago. They do things like baptize their dead relatives and seal themselves to their families for all eternity.

Sounds kind of like going to Hell to me, but I guess the Mormons like it.

Only Mormons in good standing (read: the ones who regularly fork over 10% of their pre-tax income) get to enter the temples. To be admitted you have to have a special card called a Temple Recommend, given to you by your local church leaders after you hand over those checks they use to purchase all that celestial underwear and the really gay looking white garments they make you wear inside the temples. (A lot of that money also goes to helping suppress the gays, but we've already discussed that ad nauseum on this blog.)

So anyway, I dreamed that I was in this mall and got a bug up my butt about wanting to get myself inside that temple. So I started scheming on how to get my hands on a Temple Recommend.

I ran into one of my law school classmates who is a nice Mormon girl (as if there is such a thing) and asked if I could borrow her Temple Recommend. She said "sure, why not?" and handed it to me.

I approached the mall door that led to the temple and started worrying that they would notice my Temple Recommend was issued to a female named Stephanie and that my little plan might not work.

I don't remember anything else. I guess this story isn't even very interesting, except to note that these God damned Mormons, in addition to not letting me get married, are now ruining my sleep. Fuckers.

Amen.

19 comments:

Anonymous said...

CP

Perhaps you should narrow your permissible dress code attendance to leather bars, and/or black/white parties. Need some Tina?

Cher

jin said...

OMG. I may be an absolute whiz in the kitchen but I can be completely oblivious when it comes to certain things.
An experience I had recently makes so much sense now!!!
You are going to lol at me, but go ahead. ;-)

So,
I delivered a wedding cake a couple months ago. My Mom took the order & I remember briefly speaking with the girl who seemed nice but really quiet (and young!!!). The wedding order said I was to deliver to a local curch: it didn't say the name, just an address. I glanced at the address & could not, for the life of me, recall there being a church anywhere near there! I checked Yahoo maps (Mapquest got me lost one too many times while delivering cakes!) and the address seemed to be correct.

[I might need to mention that I drive one of these. Very rare in this area. Also, the back window & the rear side windows are full of ... uhhh ... expressive bumper stickers; pentagrams, vegetarian, Om symbol, 1984, etc.]

D & I pull up to the correct address yet I cannot find a sign anywhere saying it is, in fact, a church. (It looked like it had just been built.) I pulled up directly in front of the double doors (in a no parking zone... I always do this when I have a big cake to carry), left the engine running & told D I was going to quick pop inside just to be sure we had the right place. There were a few teenagers around & they stopped all activity to stare at me... kinda like where did I think I was going.
I walk inside the first set of double doors which still only had the street number on, no name. When I get to the second set of doors they say, "The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints". jintard had no idea that's what they call a Mormon church until now. LMFAO!!!!
It makes sense, looking back, why they were sooooo upset to have me in there for such a length of time. The cake required finishing after I brought it in and one older woman stood about 10 feet from me the ENTIRE time I worked on it. It rarely bothers me to have people watch me work, but this one tried my patience as I could feel her glaring at me the whole time!

Turns out, the bride insisted I make her cake, NOT the groom. The groom (and his family) were strict Catholics and he was marrying into a Mormon family!!! Is that even legal?! ;-)

The most bizarre (in a bad way) cake deliveries I make are to churches. *shudder* Maybe I should hide my pentagram more often???
NAH!!!
;-)

jin said...

P.S. I had to reread your post... hilarious! Haahahahaaa "pig fucker" *giggle snort*

I baked your Blogger Love last night! Now I just need time for the deco. I'll let you know when I post it!

Coaster Punchman said...

Jin, you MUST start posting about your experiences delivering to Mormons; I will feature links to them in my Mormon Watching series!

I CAN'T WAIT to see my Blogger Love Creation! As you know I've not always had time to make my regular rounds lately so email me immediately upon posting!!

How much to get the real thing delivered? :)

Dino aka Katy said...

uhhh I love the links they are to funny - why anyone would want to be wearing that kind of underwear is beyond me. LOL at Jin and yes she has to blog about those

Hot Lemon said...

Jesus Pumpkin-Pie Christ, that's scary!!

Old Lady said...

Now that gets my panties in a wad!!! Can't go to church unless you pay!!! How off track is that?
Sheesh.

BeckEye said...

Interesting...I once had a fake ID that belonged to a female named Stephanie. We truly are living parallel lives, CP.

I feel like Temple, Recommended should be a bad Winona Ryder movie about coming to grips with being a teenaged Mormon.

What kind of paperwork do I need to fill out to get to have sex with Steve Young?

Hot Lemon said...

I'm printing this out, putting Flannery's info on it, putting 2 quarters in the envelope and sending it off to see what happens.

vikkitikkitavi said...

Glad to see you've come around to the whole making-fun-of-the-underwear thing!

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

Those latter day fuck heads are out to get you any way they can.

michaelg said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
jewgirl said...

they are sooo scientology...

Anonymous said...

Some years back I was briefly in Salt Lake City, and found myself at some kind of Mormon presentation. Another audience member was an older gentleman who began arguing with the presenters about not being allowed into the temple, saying that he had visited temples all over the world and never had a problem until now. Then I went to visit our cousin who lived there at the time, and got into an argument with some Mormon men about the Equal Rights Amendment! That's how long ago that was. I also live near Palmyra, New York, birthplace of the Mormon Church, and it is obvious that their founder was either completely insane and hallucinating, or on some very strong drugs! Maybe they accidentally made bread from wheat that had been infected with the ergot that contains LSD. Yes, they are certainly creepy!

Your cousin Cathy

Grant Miller said...

Dear CP,

I'm related to Mormons. But I still think you are my bloghero.

No, wait. You are my Blogfather.

Sincerely,
GM

Bluez said...

I think you should tell us how you really feel CP

wonderturtle said...

One more thing that initially stuns and baffles me, and when I think about it, isn't very surprising at all. DAMN. What a freaking anti-love, anti-God excuse for a religion.

Anonymous said...

its funny how people who have no understanding about someones religon are so fast to put down and critize. maybe you should actually talk to a "mormon" and see what the church is really about. i felt the same way you did about alot of other religons until i learned to open my mind and LISTEN.

Coaster Punchman said...

Anon, I've "listened" to those Morons --- oops, I mean Mormons --- long enough. There's only so much bile and hatred I can take before I turn my back. Once the Church starts giving its millions to the poor and hungry instead of building ridiculous, elaborate and POINTLESS structures, and stops using its millions to suppress others, I will start "listening." It will still be a crock of shit, but at least I won't be rude. Until that day though, fuck you and the horse you rode in on. Inbred retard.