Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Mormon Wednesdays: Cosmic Jesus


My friend Regular Tim just sent me an image of an inspirational poster depicting what we suspect to be a large Mormon family. The caption of the photo makes it unsafe for work, however, so I am not posting it.

Instead, I thought you might like this Mormon Jesus. "Why is it a Mormon Jesus?" you may ask. Well, boys and girls, let me explain: the Mormons don't have normal Jesuses. They have Cosmic Jesuses.

There's something in their theology that says after you die you get to go live on other planets or some bullshit like that. Therefore, the Jesus statues in their visitors' centers are usually surrounded by all sorts of outer space stuff. I suppose it's part of their appeal. "If you thought Star Trek was cool, just wait to see what we have in store for you!"

Yours in Mormon watching,
CP

15 comments:

Tumuli said...

Sounds suspiciously like Scientology to me...

Echo said...

CP, you tease. "The caption of the photo makes it unsafe for work, however, so I am not posting it." My whole blog is unsafe for work. Throw the gang a little sugar, will ya? Post it in the comments or elsewhere... as long as it's not *too* bad...

Beth said...

I second Echo. And the Mormons do sound a little Scientology-light. But with bigger panties.

Dale said...

I'm continually confounded by Jesus and his followers in any form so Mormons is as good a fun as any. Thank you for this valuable service CP!

Old Lady said...

So, you know what I think? I think that the HBO mini-series Big Love is getting all the "Prophets" arrested for marrying little girls. I need to read up on the one for today. But, that's what I think.

Katy said...

well I think I will just stay on my little planet called agnostic reality. All those religions seem more like cults to me anyway - I agree with Marx - Religion is the opium of the Masses.

Dale said...

Opium? Yes please. I love *opiates*. I had to do that.

Melinda June said...

And the best part is you can pretty much pick any language and Cosmic Jesus can tell you his story in an eerily soothing monotone. Nothing says naptime like the story of jeezus in America murmured in esperanto.

jin said...

...and here I was worried that I had missed something...

Martin said...

Melinda June, I love your comment. I wonder if you two have any cool tatoos or secret handshakes or anything sexy like the watchers on "Highlander" had. Angels in America had a Mormon character who had a strong internal struggle with homosexuality...any connection? Is your mom really Merryl Streep?

Tenacious S said...

Um, aren't women eternally pregnant on these planets? Sounds like hell to me.

wonderturtle said...

Some Mormons came by the house the other day and I mistakenly opened the door. They had more ways to keep me from closing it than an AOL customer service rep! Even my comment that I had to get back to dinner had them asking about what I was cooking. Finally I said, "Well I'd invite you in for some food, but I don't know you." They said, "We couldn't come in unless there was another man at home anyway."
Ew.

Coaster Punchman said...

Gentle Readers, y'all kill me! Isn't Mormon watching a great hobby???? There's nothing that's not fabulous about this, as you all show in your comments.

Melinda June said...

Yes, Martin, there are tattoos, secret tap-dancing rituals, and a cool coded language, too. And I AM Meryl Streep.

katie schwartz said...

thank mormon jesus for c-punch. seriously. but for you, do you realize we would never know that we had the option of being saved by other jesus'.

do you realize the gateway that you're opening up for people, c-dawg?! I can roll out on cosmic jesus's pearly boudior or cross hangin j's gold gates.

wow. options. you really know how to make a girl's dayy.