George swears I start to change each time an encounter with my family approaches. He claims I get moody and anxious.
For years I have denied this, because I really didn't think it was true. But now I'm starting to think he may be right. What else would have prompted me last week to post that arguably mean spirited entry about our family vacation from hell? Could it be because we have another one coming up?
Ugh.
In two days, Poor George and I will head to the Wisconsin Dells for a one-week vacation in a house my mom rented for the entire family. All of us. It's almost tragic how this came about, because the whole conversation I had with my mom about six months ago had started out so innocently.
"So Mom, your 50th wedding anniversary is coming up! What would you like to do to celebrate?" I was thinking she'd choose to have a banquet like my godparents Audrey & Louie had, with about 300 attendees.
"Hmmm, I'll have to think about that. We can do anything I want?"
"Sure, Mom! Just name it!"
"Well, what I'd really like is to have all of us together for a vacation for a week. Maybe in the Wisconsin Dells? I'll ask Marg to see if she can find us a house to rent. Oh, this will be so exciting!"
Yeah, exciting is the word all right. I think I immediately broke out into hives.
"Well Mom, that sounds kind of . . . expensive. I'm not sure everyone has the money for something that grandiose."
"Oh that's no problem, your dad and I will pay for everything! This will be so much fun! I just hope your brother doesn't decide to act up."
I politely reminded her that we have a better chance at winning the lottery than we do at avoiding one of Rich's violent outbursts within a seven day window. Beyond that, I didn't know what to say. I was still trying to recover from the shock at the mere mention of a family vacation.
I really need to learn to start lying to save my ass. I am a God damned lawyer after all - shouldn't I be able to conjure up a work emergency?
"Well, ok, if you're sure that's what you want." Lame.
So there you have it. We're off to Wisconsin on Saturday. I heard the house has wi-fi, so I'll probably be bringing my laptop so that I can give you updates from the road.
If you are religious, please start praying now. And if you're an atheist, you can still pray to Chrissie Hynde.
CP
17 comments:
Good luck. We're all here for you in your hour of need. Can you spike the Kool-Aid with meds?
T, I think it's video tribute time to CP and family...
Welcome to my world, CP. I'll write about the Dells tonight as a tribute to you and yours. Growing up, that was our vacation destination....every year. If I never see the Dells again...
I heard the Dells were nice, I have driven through on my way to Minnesota from Georgia but never stopped. I certainly understand how you feel. At the risk of being cryptic, both of my parents have passed and holidays, which got progressively worse as time went by, are at least now peaceful.
You need soe sort of activites to keep people busy, so that they don't get into it with each other. And no, drinking and fighting aren't the ones I had in mind?
Board Games? Scrapbooking?
wow, yeah I think taking the laptop would be good. Just tell them you have some work to do and just have to do it, then find a quiet corner and write your heart out.
I'd say hide all the alcohol and sharp objects and hope for the best. Good luck
Scrabble! I'll send my grandma up! Or, you could say you are going to the store BUT instead meet us in Chicago for drinks and claim that you were terribly lost. Make sure you bring George with you.
I got dragged to a similar thing last year. It wasn't a Family Vacation. It was a Family Hostage Situation.
Perhaps if you need a sanity break, you could sneak over to visit Jintrinsique.
Hmmm...that lesley girl knows her stuff! LOL!
I was going to say that you're both welcome here should you accidentally take a 3 hour detour.
I have lived in WI all my life & I've never been to "The Dells". I can't really say I'm ever planning on it either. (It's known mostly as a location for parents to take the kiddies.....ewww.)
I'm assuming your Mom doesn't read your blog cp.
The Dales? Where is this place The Dales?
Lesley puts me in mind with her Family Hostage Situation of the Margaret Smith bit where she said that some of her family reunions were really scary - if you looked close at the home movies you could see Hitchcock at one of the picnic tables. (I'm paraphrasing and probably badly).
I can't wait to hear all about the trip. I'm wearing bug spray already.
I'm a lapsed Baptist, so I'll pray to Jesus for you. And I'm still punk in my soul, so I'll pray to Chrissie, too. Be sure to take plenty of photos! Will everyone be wearing dark socks with their sandals? Have some string cheese, brats, and beers for us all!
Hey, I'll be there!!!
Great stuff. What I'd suggest is that you wear cargo pants with many pockets. Stuff small bottles of alcohol in each one, this is probably the only way you'll get through this. My thoughts are with you *hangs head for moment of silence*
Try Paul Bunyon's donuts at the Dells. They are crazy delicious. And there's a vegetarian resturant run by a cult that's pretty good - as long as vegetarian restaurants run by cults don't freak you out or anything.
Head out to the wild unaccompanied if you can and explore. Isolation, exercise, and catharsis all at once.
Haha! I have heard of the vegetarian restaurant that Grant Miller speaks of...
As for exploring the wild? Be careful...there are ticks everywhere! YUCK! Hmmm...that just gave me a great idea for a post. (Did I ever tell you that I found a tick in my panties once?)
Ahhhh, The Dells... it's tacky like Vegas but without all the dazzling lights, Cirque du Soleil, prostitution, gambling, nor Starlight Express, Riverdance, nor neat get-aways like the Hoover Dam. No, it's just crammed with tourists who think fishing is a sport and entertainment is beer. Yeah, that's getting away from it all. It's getting away from anything humankind has considered civilization since The Enlightenment. Lots of love.
(Do indulge in the cheese curds and brats and kielbasa. They are the only thing that make Point beer taste good.)
T: There are simply not enough meds on this earth to save us from this.
E: Still waiting for your own Dells stories.
OL: The thought of my parents passing gives me chills. Not only would I miss them (which is hard to believe from the way I talk) - but the fact is the matter, once they are gone I'm going to have a LOT of crazy to deal with. And I mean a LOT.
Lu: Skip-Bo has been known to lead to temper tantrums and door slamming with us.
T: Once again, don't tempt us.
K: I would write more but I have to sleep with one eye open around here....
L: Yes, I did consider visiting Jin, but it's a little far.... Plus, despite the knots in my stomach, I'm kind of afraid to leave just now - you have no idea what these people are capable of when left unattended.
J: My mom is legally blind, so she won't be reading. My dad I think may have had the address at one point, but my site meter tells me he hasn't been on in over a year. So I think I'm safe. Do want to see your shoppe at some point....
D: If you've been reading, I've already begun my tales for your reading pleasure. Forget the bug spray and just pour yourself a stiff drink.
B: Had brats & beer the first night. No string cheese yet, but plenty of cheese curds. And of course a deep fried Twinkie.
Sis: Yes, you are. And if you are still alive, you are reading this.
MT: Stay with me. Keep the faith.
GM: I did drive by the Paul Bunyan Cook Shanty today, but was too afaid to stop and look for these donuts you speak of.
Tumuli: 'Wild' and 'Unaccompanied' pretty much sums up our family.
J: I anxiously await the story of your panties.
Martin: I'm working on all the foodstuffs you mention, though I have never had Point beer. When are you coming up?
CP
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