Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Mormon Wednesdays * Vol. 2: Mormon-watchers

Celestial underwear. Devout Mormons have to wear these.

Mindy June & I are the only Mormon-watchers on Blogspot. It's an important role we play, and I will explain why later. For now, I thought you might like to know about the history of our Mormon-watching collaboration.

My friend Gretchen became a Mormon just after we finished high school. During her period of conversion, I used to go over to her house when the "sisters" were visiting. My first encounter with the Mormons (except for the time I called the police on the ones loitering in a car outside my house when I was nine, but that's another story) was with these "sisters" who brought a Super-8 film projector over to Gretchen's house to tell her about Joseph Smith and the gold plates. Since I had never heard the story, they told me about how Joseph found the plates, magically translated them into the Book of Mormon, and then the plates were never seen again, yada yada yada.

The sisters told me "you have to take the Joseph Smith story on faith. To believe anything else we tell you, you have to believe this part."

That pretty much resolved it for me right there.

Gretchen, however, having a penchant for Dungeons & Dragons, reenactors and all that other kind of horse shit, was hooked. It was kind of scary to watch it happen, to tell you the truth. And now, all these years later, Gretchen is a card-carrying, income-tithing, Celestial Underwear-wearing Mormon. She even lives in Utah.

I learned a lot - way too much actually - about this "religion" so I could keep tabs on what Gretchen was up to. Unfortunately, it's kind of turned into gawker slowdown for me. I can't look away. I go to every LDS Temple Visitor's Center I can get to. I like to talk to the missionaries that work in them. I kind of like that culty, glazed over look in their eyes.

Every Mormon-watcher needs a companion, so I recruited the lovely & talented Melinda June to join me in my perversion, some years ago. Her first Mormon experience with me was non-consensual. We were both in Hawaii on business, so we stayed the weekend and rented a car to drive around the island of Oahu. When I caught sight of the Hawaii LDS Temple, I pulled in the driveway, despite Mindy's vigorous protests.

She handled herself pretty well though, and even resisted laughing when the cute little missionary girl started talking about the warm tinglies she gets when thinking about the Great Prophet.

Now Mindy is hooked, and we go Mormon-watching every time we're together.

It's actually quite a nice hobby. You should try it.

This is the first temple that Mindy & I visited together. A Mormon-watching team was born here.

*At CPW, "Wednesdays" sometimes occur on Thursdays.


Old Lady said...

Is this underwear for procreation purposes.

Coaster Punchman said...

I don't really know what it's for, other than to remind you that you're Mormon. Something about it being a "second skin." Eeesh.

Tenacious S said...

That celestial underwear looks oddly suggestive, don't you think? Our family once visited Navoo. I got the full dose at a young age. It was kind of like being vaccinated. I am now immune to their powers.

Dale said...

I'm not wearing Mormon underwear right now!

Dale said...

Coaster, I noticed that Bella Rossa quoted you on her Interviews With Bloggers feedback sidebar. First comes love, then comes restraining order.

lulu said...

IS it just me, or does it look like she has one big boob and one little boob?

the next great genius said...

I just feel like these underwear bring up more questions than they do answers.

jin said...

I have to agree with lulu on this one...something really weird is up (?down) with the boobs.

So, do you actually pretend you ARE morons...woops, I mean mormons, or do you feign interest in 'BECOMING'?

Echo said...

Okay...I've tried to steer clear of this one...but I'm troubled. Celestial Underwear? Do they have Celestial Pasties for Whore-mons? What about edible celestial underwear? Do they come in a thong back? I'm just soooo troubled now...

Coaster Punchman said...

Shar: Mormon vaccination. Yet another brilliant idea we can run away with here at CPW. Oh, and we miss you! Jane & Lu got in at 2:00 am due to weather delays.

Dale: your suggestive comments have the entire CPW readership blushing, where the sun doesn't shine.

Lu: have we got a party in store for you...

NGG: But the Mormons have all the answers.

Jin: funny you should mention that. I canvassed very hard to get Mindy to agree to go undercover with me and actually convert. She's a little too afraid of them to go that far into it. And the trouble is that they won't let us into the Temple if we don't tithe 10% of all our income PRE TAX! The nerve of those fuckers.

How soon until I get shut down, do you think?

Echo: you have just given me an idea for a whole new online store over here at CPW. Stay tuned....

katie schwartz said...

you are so my hero, child! love that you are mormon obsessed and recruiting your bff to join you! it's too perfect.

I relate. I email christian zealot preachers far too much, including my favorite, jan crouch.

here's to healthy obsession!!!