Sunday, July 16, 2006

CPW Confessional Vol. 5: Fruitarian


I'm thinking of becoming a fruitarian. Fruitarians eat only what would fall from a tree or plant. I'm pretty sure there's a subset of fruitarians who eat only what actually has fallen from a tree or plant - like it would be against nature, or maybe mean to the tree, to pick the fruit before it's ready to fall.

That might be a little hard to manage in Brooklyn.

I think I'd be a really good fruitarian. I love nuts and fruits. So delicious, and healthy too! But mostly I'd be really good at the self righteous part. That's the key here. I would totally scorn my vegetarian and vegan friends.

"Oh, I see you're having a salad. Well, that must be nice for you. I hope you realize an entire plant had to die for you to have that salad. Do you ever wonder what it must feel like to be yanked from the ground by your ROOTS? But don't let that stop you. You just go on and enjoy yourself."

I wonder if there's a branch of fruitarianism that allows Lulu's Pizza?

16 comments:

Echo said...

Ovo-lacto-pesco-carne-vegetarians are the worst! They are always: Oh look at me! I'm a vegetarian...who loves EGGS and dairy products and sometimes fish or a polish with everything!!! They're vegetarians who don't have the stomach to give up cheese! Or a cajun blackened salmon served over a sausage jambalaya!

Remember, I'm here to preach truth to power. I may have to advise you, CP, on this latest life turn. I'm betting there's a simple reason to your "fruititarian" experimentation...

BTW, My word verification was: "Pterodactyl Of Truth"

Old Lady said...

Have I done something wrong?

Old Lady said...

Never mind, none of my morning comments that I put in on blogs took. Either that or I was suffering from a senior moment. G'day!

jin said...

LOL...I checked into that a while back...no chance doing that in WI either! I think you'd have to live in Cali. The more I read about their beliefs the weirder it got! That seems a bit cultish if you ask me. Of course, I consider Catholicism a cult too. Evil bastards! Drive around a Catholic church during mass & I bet you 9 out of every 10 vehicles are either gigantic SUV's or those Ford fuckoff 250's.

*jin realizes she may have veered from the posts subject matter. She then realizes she is at CPW & this tends to be the norm!*

Coaster Punchman said...

Subject? Was there a subject?

lulu said...

CP, the lulupizzatarians are a proud and noble branch of what the beautiful jane likes to call "the bullshitarians" Bullshitarians are self-rightious types who secretly eat (sometimes on the phone) all sorts of cheesy, meaty, yummy things that they would never ever admit to consuming to their vegetarian and vegan friends. I don't trust vegans, and I still undecided about vegetarians. God gave us cows for a reason.

Echo said...

Yes, god did give us cows for a reason, Lulu, and that reason was to have a creature willing to stand up to terrorism by keeping the terrorists living in udder fear...oh...and to provide leather for my shoes.

Anyone who ascribes to the viewpoint that "oh, cows are gentle, beautiful creatures" needs to wake up each and every day smelling cow piss for breakfast when the wind's right. If that doesn't turn you into a Meatatarian, I don't know what will. In fact, I'm trying to eat as many cows as possible to rid the world of this silent menace...DAMN! They're not even silent! They're fucking loud as hell. Please help me the madness now!!! Eat a burger!! Buy a steak!!! Please heeeeeeeeeeelp........

Echo said...

See! I'm so troubled, I left out END as in PLEASE END THE MADNESS!!!

My word verification was: Medium Rare

jin said...

echo...I assumed you were admitting to your hopeless downward spiral into madness.....are you sure it was a typo? It could have been a subconcious plea for help?

Karma = echo reincarnated as a slaughterhouse cow.

*Evil Grin*

Tenacious S said...

I like cows, they have the skinny feet, like the shaven sheep, they got the skinny feet. They go moo, hey, move over.

Echo said...

I like cows and they like me
I like cows just wait and see
But they go moo, hey move over

Tenacious S said...

Echo, sing this to yourself over and over. Maybe it will help cure of your dread mad cow disease. Who's got the problems now?

lulu said...

I like to watch em eat.

Tenacious S said...

Hey, CP, we ate lots of berries for dinner. I guarantee they were RIPPED off the plant in a most horrific manner. Oh, the humanity.......

lulu said...

but they were tasty.....in a lovely cow juice and suger sauce.

Jim Purdy said...

"Do you ever wonder what it must feel like to be yanked from the ground by your ROOTS?"

Ouch! That's a painful thought.

Jim Purdy
jimpurdy@fruitarianblog.com
fruitarianblog.com