Saturday, February 24, 2007

Coaster Punchman's Pretend Interview with Lulu

Several of my blogger friends like Bella Rossa and Chris have recurring series involving interviews with other bloggers. In fact, Chris just recently interviewed Lulu on his blog.

Then there is Echo, whose own recent project involves stealing from others' blogs.

To honor the genius of these three excellent writers, I figured it would be a good idea to throw my own idea in with theirs by pretending to interview Lulu. See how that works? I'm stealing from Chris and Bella by interviewing Lulu, and then stealing from Echo by stealing from other bloggers. To top it all off, the idea only to pretend-interview Lulu, rather than actually interviewing her, is my own. This works well for me because I'm lazy and real interviews are more work.

And so you see, Gentle Readers, that four heads working together are much better than one!

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Coaster Punchman's Pretend Interview with Lulu


Coaster Punchman recently pretended to sit down with Blogger matron Lulu to have a chat about her sex life, former modeling career, her Monty Python Pot'o'Beans nightgown and her obsessive love for They Might Be Giants.

Ok, well the interview is really only about her obsessive love for They Might Be Giants. But we might get to those other topics eventually.

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CP: So Lulu, I understand you did business with some Johns at least once in your life. Did you have a pimp-daddy to help arrange that, or were you on your own?

Lulu: Fuck you, CP. Go call yourself a whore for a change. I am out of here.

CP: No, wait Lu... here, I've got some bacon.....

Lulu: Mmmmmmmm, bacon.....

CP: There, do you feel better now?

Lulu: Yes CP, you are just as brilliant as ever, and gorgeous too!

CP: Why thank you! Now can we talk about these Johns for minute?

Lulu: Yes CP, I did tell you that I have engaged in a business transaction with at least one John before. However, it was not when I was out turning tricks. The John I'm referring to is one of the Johns from They Might Be Giants. He came into Starbucks when I was schlepping beans there.

CP: Wow Lu, that's really cool!

Lulu: I know! Please worship me now.

CP: I already do. So anyway, which John from They Might Be Giants was it? John Linnell or John Flansburgh?

Lulu: I don't know. I'm not really doing this interview, remember? This is just you pretending to be me.

CP: Yeah, that's right. Maybe you'll clear that up when you comment on this brilliant post. So anyway, tell me more about this chance meeting with John from They Might Be Giants.

Lulu: Well, one morning I was at work when this guy comes up to the counter and orders a cappuccino or something like that.

CP: How unusual for that to happen in a Starbucks!

Lulu: Shut your god-damned mouth and let me finish the story. You always have to be a smart-ass.

CP: Sorry.

Lulu: So I look up at the man who ordered the hot beverage and behold, it's John from They Might Be Giants!

CP: Wow! So did you like swoon or something?

Lulu: I didn't really swoon, but I did say "Hey, you're who I think you are, aren't you?" And he replied "Yes! I'm Elton John!"

CP: Elton John? Why did he pick Elton John? Is he gay or something?

Lulu: CP, I swear....

CP: Ok, ok. Go on with the story.

Lulu: So he's smirking, telling me he's Elton John. So I say "But you don't understand. I LOVE you!" And then he says "I love you too!"

CP: Oh my God. You probably giggled like a school girl!

Lulu: In fact, I did! And then I wet my pants a little because I was so giddy!

CP: You wet your pants, really?

Lulu: No, this is just you pretending to be me, remember? You're trying to embarrass me.

CP: Yeah, I keep forgetting. Well anyway, thanks so much for sitting down with us today, Lulu. It's always so great to see you.

Lulu: You too, CP. Can I get back to my own blog now? You're a real pain in my ass.

CP: I know. But I'm trying to change. Bye Lu!


These are the Johns from They Might Be Giants. One of them is in love with Lulu, but we don't know which one.


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Stay tuned for more of Coaster Punchman's Pretend Interviews with Bloggers!

10 comments:

lulu said...

Wow, do I really sound that bitchy?

(John F, although both of the Johns were there, John L just smiled.)

And I totally swooned, and possibly peed myself.

Dale said...

I really feel I have more insight into Lulu's bladder control now. Thanks CP!

Old Lady said...

Damn CP, tough interview! Right up there with Dan Rather's interview of George Bush!

Bubs said...

CP, she was so devastated by your fake interview that we all had to help her drown her sorrows until the early hours of the morning.

Chris said...

Lulu, bacon, and TMBG in one post! Can it get any better?

Answer: No, it can't.

"jew" "girl" said...

cp, hilar squared. you are so adorable and so funny, I can't stand it. love lulu's obsession, it's most entertaining.

wonderturtle said...

I am inspired by your idea, and am off to have pretend sex with Edward Norton. This will (probably) not be posted on my blog.

Megan said...

Matron?!

But I can totally hear Lulu saying "please worship me now." Nice job!

Echo said...

OMG! You are so f-cking tripping...

Coaster Punchman said...

Lu, you don't sound bitchy. I just sound obnoxious, which would warrant a bitchy response.

That's great Dale - and tomorrow we'll discuss her bowels.

Old Lady, if I could interview W without spitting in his face that would be a miracle.

Bubs, Lu also didn't have the heart to tell me that you had to cancel your trip. She was worried my heart would be wounded. It was.

Actually, Chris, a cat would have made the post better still.

Thanks Katie - we all love Lu's obsessions.

Aw come on WT, please post it? Dale & Grant post their sex dreams; why can't you?

Megan, I guess I meant "matron" in the sense that she has been a queen of blogging for the past several years. But given recent essays and comments, I guess I could have meant that she's a bitter & middle-aged blogger. I'll have to rethink that.

Echo, just doing my part as a GFG. Or LFC.