Monday, February 23, 2009

I'm due for a new phobia

Gentle Readers,

I was going through some old posts because I had to remove one in a random fit of paranoia. I didn't delete it, but just saved it as a draft so that one day I can repost it. (As if anyone would go back and find it.)

Anyhoo, in reviewing some other old drafts I had sitting there I found this one and figured it was time to post it. Sometimes I start to write something but get tired and plan to finish it later -- but never do. That's what alcoholism and drug addiction have done for me. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

In any event, as mentioned in the post itself, this little story was inspired by the now-defunct blogger "Pink Fluffy Slippers." I hope she didn't actually get cancer. But her link is defunct so don't even try it.

Love and Coasters,



Our friend Pink Fluffy Slippers recently posted her Five Random Things, wherein she confessed that she's afraid that she'll get cancer and have no one to drive her to chemo. (I guess the whole hair-falling out and dying thing is merely a secondary fear.)

This reminded me that I'm about due for a new phobia.

I spent most of my childhood and early adulthood being afraid that I would develop schizophrenia, because I have a brother who has it. Not only did the genetic factor frighten me; being told that "you're acting just like your brother" was always my mom's favorite method of trying to control her other children.

While this issue with my mother still plays a role on my parental grudge list, my fear of schizophrenia subsided more and more the older I got, and was almost gone by my mid-thirties. (Schizophrenia usually strikes in the teens or early twenties.) This fear was then replaced by the fear of Tourette's.

I haven't read up extensively on Tourette's, but I'm pretty sure I don't want it. I have a hard time resisting my strong urges to talk to myself, and sometimes wonder whether I may actually already have a mild case of Tourette's that might get worse as I age. The last thing I need right now is an affliction that will cause me to shout obscenities at strangers.

But if you ask me, I think the best thing that has happened to Tourette's patients is the advent of cell phone Blue Tooth technology, which involves those wireless ear phones that you're seeing more and more cellular customers using. At least once a day I see some guy walking down the street, talking to himself. I used to assume a guy like this was just another crazy until I could actually see that he was talking on a wireless cell.

But now my default belief in such situations is exactly the opposite. When I see someone who looks like he's talking to himself, I automatically assume he's using a wireless headset on his cell phone. In other words, a high percentage of the crazies (i.e. the ones who aren't totally dishevelled looking) now have a free pass because everyone just assumes they're saying "cunt!" to someone over the phone.

Which makes Tourette's seem a lot less scary, now that I know it will be so easy to hide.

Guess I need a new phobia. Got any ideas for me?


Doc said...

"That's what alcoholism and drug addiction have done for me. And I wouldn't have it any other way."

Who am I to call the kettle black? I find that these help me get through my day. To each his own.

As far as a new phobia goes, I take it that the morman one isn't working out? You could always acquire a fear of leaving the house. You would get so much more painting done that way. How about a fear of street vendors as you would never buy anything from them in the first place. You have too much good taste for that. Clowns and mimes are an easily acquired fear from what I understand. Perhaps Bubs could help you in that department when he returns from vacation. What about a fear of men wearing cuff links? That would make for good dinner conversation without presenting you with too many occasions for panic attacks.

Wait! I've got it! You perfect phobia should be ultra right-wing conservative meat-eating Sheep with a grudge! Start with that. If that doesn't work out for you, pick a religion and fear it. That seems to work for a lot of people.

Happy Nightmares,

Dale said...

As in days of old (posting), you've reminded me of the reason I don't drink so much, not you, other reasons. Maybe this will spur me to post some more confessional type pieces? Probably not. How about your phobia being me piggybacking on all your ideas?

Melinda June said...

My mom made me watch some Hallmark movie about a kid with Tourette's that ended up being a teacher.

How about being afraid that you'll get stuck in an elevator with a puffy nerd who smells like stale crotch? That almost happened to me the other day, and it was terrifying.

GrizzBabe said...

I'm glad I'm not the only one who is a hypochondriac. I had a grandmother who died of cancer, so I always fear I'm going to development some rare, and of course, untreatable form of cancer.

Tenacious S said...

You are well past the prime for contracting autism, so I got nothing.

Madam Z said...

I have a fear of phobias. Try it!