Gentle Readers, Ways in Which I’m Kind of Retarded is a new CPW series wherein I will describe to you, well, ways in which I’m kind of retarded.
Retarded is a word I was never allowed to use as a youngster. Aside from it not being very nice, my mom’s youngest sister was mentally retarded, and that was back in the days when retarded was still used as a clinical term to describe retards.
Now we just call them “mentally challenged” or “special” or "Sarah Palin." Since retarded is no longer used by medical professionals, I am reclaiming it as an OK word to use in describing someone who is stupid or otherwise just kind of a spaz. If you disagree, just haze me in the comments, after which I will laugh at you, call you a retard and move on with my life.
Note to self: Remember that thing I wrote recently about changing my life by being nice? Maybe not so much.
Anyway, today’s version of Ways in Which I’m Kind of Retarded involves Poor George, although honestly, any ex-boyfriends who find their way to this blog may also recognize these symptoms.
Poor George and I have a repertoire of about twenty or thirty different retarded things we say to each other, and even to ourselves, that are simply random pieces of noise we’ve picked up from the universe, or things we have dreamt up in our own sick heads. Things to say that serve absolutely no purpose other than, possibly, to satisfy my Tourette’s like cravings, or just to remind each other that we are both retarded.
Let me set the scene: I used to have a client that I visited weekly. My usual contact was a department head in the area of the company I used to visit. But when this person went out on maternity leave, she left me in the semi-capable hands of this large woman named Alaina Boodaya who can only be described as looking somewhat like a female Lurch from The Addams Family.
Whenever I would arrive at reception, Alaina would lumber out into the lobby to greet me and bring me back to the office. She spoke to me as little as possible and would merely grunt here and there as necessary to communicate with me as needed.
It’s been many years since I’ve seen Alaina Boodaya, but I miss her and her lunkishness. So, at random intervals I will just lean over to Poor George and say “I miss Alaina Boodaya.”
The best part is, he totally understands.
Georges rock. Everyone should get a Poor George.