Sunday, December 10, 2006

In response to those angry mommies

CPW has been receiving angry letters from the same kinds of mommies who, as Lulu noted in her comments to my post below, protested a Chicago cafe after the owner posted a sign requesting children to use their "indoor voices" while on the premises. I have been questioned extensively, along the lines of "when did you first start to hate children?" and "where do you live, so that I can come over and show you MY indoor voice, you son-of-a-bitch?"

Well, dear mommies, this is just a little post to let you know that I don't hate children at all. I think they're kind of cute. I really only hate YOU when you fail to live up to your responsibility to teach them how to behave in public.

Here's a little pic just to prove to you what a softy I am with the kiddies. My friend Kapooch just had her first dumpling last year, Lara. Lara LOOOOOVES the CP, as I found when I took her inside during a complete screaming fit she was having as Kapooch was trying to enjoy a cocktail with some friends. I'm no one to let a screaming kid get in the way of mommy's cocktail hour!

In fact, little Lara and I discovered that night that just a tiny dip of the pacifier in one of CP's gin gimlets calms a little one's tantrum quite nicely. Especially when repeated several times.

I have SO missed my calling in the world.


lulu said...

You are SO Super Nanny!

jin said...


You could market them as
"Ginfant Formulas"

Anonymous said...

Awwwwwww. If I had a child I would totally let you babysit.

Anonymous said...

Eh, I still think you're a baby-hater. But I mean that as a good thing. With all due respect.

JK. ;-)

Anonymous said...

I am with you CP, all the way. Nothing to do with hating kids. They are kids, they need guidance. When in public they need to know how to behave, period.

During my waitressing days I had to clean up some pretty gross messes made by children.

Dale said...

You do so much for so many. I think you deserve an award. To be presented upon completion of jail time.

Anonymous said...

Surveys show that people without children are significantly happier than those who have them. Those mommies are just jealous that you can have a meal that doesn't contain macaroni OR fishsticks, and no one ever spits out a pea and hands it to you.

Beth said...

Adorable! You need to mommy several babies, CP. And I find nothing wrong in asking children to speak quietly. Don't they need to learn manners at some point?

Anonymous said...

Again, I share the same thoughts as you and my old buddy Bill Hicks, who disputed the notion that childbirth is a miracle. He claimed that childbirth was no more a miracle than eating food and having a turd come out your asshole. A real miracle, according to him, was raising a kid that didn't talk in a fucking movie theater. Feel free to delete this if it's too offensive.

Anonymous said...

owwww thats such a cute picture. As former au pair and current waitress I am all for parents teaching their kids manners. Half of the kids today do not know how to behave. It is scarry to think that they will be our future????

Dale said...

CP for President, Chris for everything else.

Tumuli said...

YOU should be caring for children -- not some of those dolts who would rather barter than parent.

Anonymous said...

So whats wrong with a lil southern comfort on the gums when a kid is poppin 9 teeth in one month? My kids love me anyway. Besides, that was the 80's.
Hell my mother smoked three packs a day along with drinking god knows how many perfect manhattan's with all five of us and I'm doing just fucking great! *hic*

Anonymous said...

"When did you start hating children?"

No, I never started hating children-- I just hate YOUR ill-mannered children, lady!

Bubs said...

What a sweet picture! Did you fall asleep shortly after that? There's nothing better than the feeling of dozing off on the couch with a sleeping baby tucked into your chest.

For what it's worth, I think this is the most astute (if not the least vulgar) group of commenters I've ever seen.

Anonymous said...

Aw, don't you two look cute together. I like how you've got the full drool-shield in place there. That's smart baby-handling technique.

katie schwartz said...

oh, I do so love your rough edges, dearie. truly splondeed.

now, onto business. I tagged you. can't wait to see what you do with it.


GrizzBabe said...


Anonymous said...

You've got a great following CP. I love the comments on this as well as other postings. Tres cool.

(I really liked Chris' comment.)

vikkitikkitavi said...

Not to be one of those bloggers who only comment when they can also link to a post of their own, but I am so down with you, CP. Here's an bit from my post, and the link is below if you care:

This last Saturday night, there was a kid running around a restaurant where I was eating. The kid was yelling loudly, and trying to amuse himself by running up and jumping down some steps in the dining room. His mother sat ten feet away, pretending not to notice. The staff was extremely uncomfortable about the possibility that the child might fall while jumping.

Because if he did, I guarantee you that the parents would have sued the restaurant for "unsafe brat conditions."

Anyway, as we tried to ignore the yelling and the jumping and eat our food, Spooney said "I hope he doesn't fall."

I said, "I hope he does."

And I meant it. The little shit. And I hope his bitch mom with the passive-aggressive parenting skills falls, too. Fuck her and all the selfish parents who won't fucking discipline their kids. I'm sick of it.

vikkitikkitavi said...

Oh, and you and the kid - so cute! I totally approve of kiddie gimlets.

Grant Miller said...

Can you babysit on New Years? Seriously. Get back to me.

Coaster Punchman said...

Hi all-
My ass is dead tired, but I long to reply to all your comments. See me again this weekend, I promise.


Anonymous said...

That and the check's in the mail oh and I won't......

Been a busy, busy rough week for all I think.

Coaster Punchman said...

Yeah, yeah, but I'm up early so here are my replies:

Lu & Megan: Yes, I'll babysit anytime. Just make sure your bar is stocked.

Jin: sounds a little too much like the mother in law...

Mombi: I love babies - they're especially tasty with mustard. Just kidding.

Old Lady: Damn straight.

Dale: At least I'll have had sex every night. Oh, and I accept your nomination.

Anon (MJ): That's why our lives are unadulterated bliss (no pun intended.)

Beth: Yes.

Chris: There is very little too offensive for CPW. If you were spouting Republican/Kristian views, that might do it.

Dino: I think I'm already scared for the present.

Tumuli: Well I'd rather bartend than parent, but I still think I'd be better.

Bluez: Me too. The damn flipper sticking out of my back right above my ass is a nuisance sometimes, but I get a lot of compliments on it so I don't mind.

Johnny Yen: I hope you've actually used that line.

Bubs, you calling my commenters non-vulgar? Care to step outside???

PFS, I try to live my life drool-proof. I usually succeed, but not always.

Cuntsteinowitz (lovely monkier btw) - I'll work on the tag. Promise.

Grizzbabe: I hope you didn't get dirty down on that floor!

Eebie, I also liked Chris's comment. But yours almost made me weep from joy.

Vicki, you're welcome to plug yourself over here at any time. I liked your litle story and already visited that post. And yes, kiddie gimlets are the ticket to our future.

Grant, that's fine except that I charge the going rate for a NY attorney. OK with that?

Molecular Turtle said...

I totally agree with you about parents needing to control thier kids in public places especially a theatre. I was a camp director for a few years and I think if I can pull it off with kids and I'm a stranger it shouldn't be so hard for the parents to do it.

Anonymous said...

I haven't, unfortunately, but I have used this one:

(In line at a store and a parent is there with two obnoxious, loud, ill-mannered brats who are throwing a public tantrum)Spoken to whoever is standing next to me, loud enough to where the offending parent can hear: "Why is it that I can manage 30 ghetto kids in my classroom, and there are parents who can't control just two of their own children."

Al Sensu said...

Here's one I haven't tried. Just start cursing, and when the parent complains say, "If you'd just get your kids to shut the fuck up, I wouldn't have a thing to say."

Anonymous said...

Hei Tom og George

Vi synes dette er en fantastisk blogg og vi koser oss mye med aa lese den.

Ville bare sende en juleklem i fra Norge. Haaper dere faar en fin jul og haaper vi sees til sommeren.

Klem i fra
Turid, Olav, Joakim og Eirin

Anonymous said...

Bravo Johnny Yen. I'm using it. Even though the ghetto kids win over me every time.

Anonymous said...

Merry kissmas (as my Swedish husband says) I miss you. Have a happy holiday!

jin said...

Hope you have a COOL YULE!
Hope you haven't eaten all your sweets already!

When I feel rested enough to post I've got a GREAT story about what we ended up with for Xmas dessert!!!
(You won't BELIEVE it!!! ;-)

Bubs said...

Hey, Merry Christmas, you!

Here's to a happy and hopefully Mormon-free New Year for you and yours.

Tenacious S said...

Merry Christmas! Hope you have a peaceful holiday. Miss you!

Coaster Punchman said...

I agree, MT. In fact, if I had kids I would instruct their teachers etc. to slap them if they acted up.

That's awesome, Johnny Yen. You should You Tube such a performance.

Al Sensu, now that's one I would REALLY like to see on You Tube!

Turid, Olav, Joakim & Eirin, tusen takk! Det var en veldig god jul med de andre nordmenn i New York selv om George ikke likte det pinekjottet. Ja, vi sikker sees til sommeren.

So you're a softy for the ghetto kids, Dale? What about the geeks? Who's for them?

Old Lady, miss you too!

Jin, Mama Gin also enjoyed your Christmas cookies. The empty plate made it back to my apartment practically before I did!

Bubs, same to you! But Mormon free? No way, man! I wouldn't give up my Mormon-watching for anything!

Ten-S, right back at ya! Would you mind re-emailing your address? My old computer contains all the updates I had done, including yours.