A Meme for Katelah

Our favorite Jewess blogger, Katie Schwartz, has requested I complete the following questionnaire. So enjoy. Or not.


DO YOU SNORE?
I take the fifth on this one. I say 'no' but my better half says 'yes'.....


ARE YOU A LOVER OR A FIGHTER?
Like Rodney Dangerfield, I AM a lover, not a fighter.


WHAT'S YOUR WORST FEAR?
Demonic possession. I hate that all this fanfare is back ever since that damn Emily Rose movie. I had enough problems getting The Exorcist out of my system, and now this. This afternoon our doorbell rang on its own just as I finished watching a documentary about exorcisms. Let's just say the court was not amused.


AS A KID, WERE YOU A LEGO MANIAC?
Although I did play with Lego, I would not categorize myself as a Lego-maniac. That would be excessive.


WHAT DO YOU THINK OF REALITY TV?
Survivor: Never seen it
American Idol: Live for it
The Real World: What a dumb pile of crap
Amish in the City: Lived for it
My Big Fax Obnoxious Fiancee: Lived for it and laughed my ass off every week. We need more practical joke-TV like that.
Mad Mad House: My ABSOLUTE favorite. This was a Real-World/Survivor type show on the Sci-Fi Channel where a group of contestants had to live with these extremely "alternative" people, who would judge the contestants and kick one person out each week. They would make the contestants bob apples from vats of pig blood and that sort of thing. The kicker was that the criteria for getting to stay was never made clear, and the alternative people would just say things like "I don't feel you're trying to grow spiritually with us" and shit like that. It was HYSTERICAL. Unfortunately I couldn't see all the episodes so I don't even know who won.

The Mad Mad House judges

DO YOU CHEW ON YOUR STRAWS?
No. I'm afraid to ingest my lipstick.


WERE YOU A CUTE BABY?
You decide.


IS THE SINGLE LIFE FOR YOU?
When I was single, I would have said yes. Now that I'm fake-married, I'd get my ass kicked if I said that. I love my fake-spouse, but I'd be about 25 pounds lighter if I were single. So it's a give-and-take kind of thing.


WHAT COLOR IS YOUR KEYBOARD?
Black as the heart of the devil.


DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER?
Yes. Why do people sound better in the shower? Why is that?


HAVE YOU EVER BUNGEE JUMPED?
No. In fact, hell no!


ANY SECRET TALENTS?
I learned the song Fifty Nifty United States in sixth grade and I still know all the words, including the part where you name all the states in alphabetical order. Cool beans.


WHAT'S YOUR IDEAL VACATION SPOT?
Places I haven't been that I want to hit next: Peru, Australia, New Zealand
Places I've been that I love: Amsterdam (and not just for the drugs), Hawaii, Jamestown ND.


CAN YOU SWIM?
Yes.


HAVE YOU SEEN THE MOVIE DONNIE DARKO?
No.


DO YOU GIVE A DAMN ABOUT THE OZONE?
Yes.


HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A TOOTSIE POP?
I hated that stupid owl. In the realm of cartoon owls, I was a Woodsy loyalist. "Give a hoot. Don't pollute!" Whatever happened to him?


CAN YOU SING THE ALPHABET BACKWARDS?
Yes! I suppose that may be another secret talent.


DO YOU PREFER ELECTRIC OR MANUAL PENCIL SHARPENER?
Electric. Those manual ones remind me of grade school when Mrs. Daniels would yell at anyone who dared approach the sharpener without her express permission. I don't know what her problem was.


WHAT'S YOUR STAND ON HUNTING?
I love animals. They're delicious!


IS MARRIAGE IN YOUR FUTURE?
Grrr. People always ask if George and I want to have some sort of ceremony and I usually say "no" because I don't want a fake marriage. The big bang with marriage is being able to take advantage of the benefits given by the federal government, like social security. Until we can have that like everyone else, I'm not playing. I have several straight friends (aside from Brangelina) who have decided not to marry until their gay friends are able to as well. I applaud them for taking this stand.


DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
I don't mind it. I type so much faster than I write that I don't like to do it because it seems to take so long. Also, now that I rarely hand write, I seem to have developed a system of half-printing half-cursive. It's groovy Greg & Marcia.


WHAT ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO?
Strangely enough, I believe I am just slightly allergic to cats. Now that we no longer have Betty, I sneeze a lot whenever I go over to Oddrun's. But I don't care - I'm still getting a cat in December.


WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAID, I LOVE YOU?
This morning. At that crucial, pleasurable moment. Unfortunately, I was alone.


DO YOU CRY AT WEDDINGS?
I used to, but now they piss me off. So no, I don't cry.


HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS?
Scrambled, with cheese. And not too hard either.


ARE BLONDES DUMB?
Not nearly as dumb as gingers. Ask Mindy.


WHERE DOES THE OTHER SOCK END UP?
My ass.


WHAT TIME IS IT?
8:37 PM. Uncanny, as Katelah's said 3:37. Maybe I'll start some ritual at the 37th of every hour. Something dirty and genitals-related since Katelah is involved.


DO YOU HAVE A NICKNAME?
My real name is Thomas. Most friends call me Tom. One or two friends call me Tommy, but my mom would shit if she knew, so don't tell her. My adoring readership calls me CP, or some variation thereof. Certain business people address me formally by my last name, as in "Mr. H." I kind of like it. I also love it when kids on the street call me "mister" or "sir." Which isn't bad, considering some of the things you hear out of kids' mouths on the streets of New York Shitty.


IS MCDONALDS DISGUSTING?
I do like the taste of the stuff, sadly.


WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE IN A CAR?
Yesterday afternoon. What the fuck is it with some of these stupid questions?


DO YOU PREFER BATHS OR SHOWERS?
Both - depends on what my goal is. A nice soak in the tub is good to relax, but showering seems more sanitary and less trouble.


IS SANTA CLAUS REAL?
No, as my asshole brother made sure I knew when I was about 5.


DO YOU LIKE TO HAVE YOUR NECK KISSED?
Love it. Even more so, however, I like kissing necks. Biting them too. Just short of drawing blood, but I'm working my way up to that.


ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK?
Kind of.


WHAT ARE YOU ADDICTED TO?
Junk food. Crippling inactivity. The Internet, and not just for porn.


CRUNCHY OR CREAMY PEANUT BUTTER?
Creamy.


CAN YOU CRACK YOUR NECK?
I used to, but ever since I started having spinal problems I don't do anything like that.


HAVE YOU EVER RIDDEN IN AN AMBULANCE?
Only once, with a friend who was dying. It was horrible.


IS DRUG FREE THE WAY TO BE?
Yes. Pot doesn't bother me if other people smoke it, but I am way too sensitive to drugs even to do that.


ARE YOU A HEAVY SLEEPER?
Can be.


WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR EYES?
Brown, with enough green mixed in them that they are technically hazel. Wearing green or olive really brings it out.


DO YOU LIKE YOUR LIFE?
Certain parts of it.


ARE YOU PSYCHIC?
A bit. I've had some experiences where I know a friend is suffering even though they are far away. Other times I will dream about someone I haven't talked to in years and the next day I will hear from them or hear news about them.


HAVE YOU READ CATCHER IN THE RYE?
Several times.


DO YOU PLAY ANY INSTRUMENTS?
Piano, which I still play. I know how to play the violin although I no longer play it.


HAVE YOU EVER STOLEN MONEY?
Change off my dad's dresser. I'm certain it pissed him off.


CAN YOU SNOWBOARD?
No - and it looks like something I would break my neck at.


DO YOU LIKE CAMPING?
Love it. I was a Boy Scout for God's sake.


DO YOU SNORT WHEN YOU LAUGH?
No.


DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC?
That's kind of an obscure question. What kind of magic are we talking about?


ARE DOGS A MAN'S BEST FRIEND?
I always thought that was a stupid saying.


YOU BELIEVE IN DIVORCE?
But what about the children???????


CAN YOU DO THE MOONWALK?
Who the FUCK cares?


DO YOU MAKE A LOT OF MISTAKES?
Constantly. I don't care. When I worked in a large NY law firm I think I pissed off another lawyer by not caring that I made mistakes. One time I made an error that could have been a really big deal if we hadn't caught it - but we caught it. I just shrugged my shoulders and said "shoot, that was a mistake." What the hell was I supposed to do - eat crow for a month? I didn't give a shit. I would have been upset if it wasn't correctable of course, but it was.


IS IT COLD OUTSIDE TODAY?
Why on earth is this an interesting question?


WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
I just had a large dinner of oysters on the half shell with salmon roe; three pieces of yellowtail, salmon and tuna sushi; two pieces of eel. Salad and miso soup. Very full.


DO YOU WEAR NAIL POLISH?
No, though I do get a pedicure about every three weeks. One time I did get clear polish on them which was nice. Didn't really look like polish.


HOW MANY PEOPLE DO YOU LIKE RIGHT NOW?
Do you mean like or like like? I like plenty of people, and I like like two (my better half plus my John Mayer-looking doctor.)


WHAT'S THE MOST ANNOYING TV COMMERCIAL?
The one about Bob, the guy who is happy because he takes that drug for male enhancement.


DO YOU SHOP AT AMERICAN EAGLE?
I think I may have purchased a few things from there more than a decade ago. Again, who the hell cares?


FAVORITE SONG AT THE MOMENT?
I just did a piano arrangement of Fuck and Run which I hope to make part of the home concert series soon.


WHO ARE YOU TAGGING?
Everybody. Sorry that some of the questions are stupid. I didn't write them.