Saturday, September 29, 2007

Friday Night Diary

Blogger legend Beckeye and I felt sorry for Chelene who, due to a nasty cold, had to miss this week's East Coast Blogger Conference. To make her feel better, I am providing this play-by-play of last night's activities.


5:35 pm: I arrive home from work and call my sister-in-law Ruby to arrange travel into the city. I advise her to take her own car since Poor George and I may be visiting Pyramid Club after the ABBA party and she may not want to stay out that late. Ruby complains, loudly. Just to get her off my back I agree to give her a ride and let her drive the car home, leaving me to take a cab.

5:45 pm: I shower and shave, nicking my neck in the process. Charming.

6:00 pm: I dress for the evening, regretting that I own nothing flashy or tacky enough to wear to a disco party. I briefly recall having discarded from George's wardrobe some old plum colored jeans and a hideous colored shirt that might have suited the occasion.

6:15 pm: I get into the car and head over to pick up Ruby.

6:18 pm: Ruby gets into the car and begins talking.

6:20 pm: I tune Ruby out.

6:50 pm: We arrive at McDougal & West 4th Street and discover a parking spot right on the corner in front of a large SUV.

6:51 pm: I pull into the space and discover my bumper hangs just a few inches over the crosswalk. I become annoyed.

6:52 pm: Owner of SUV appears and starts admonishing me not to get anywhere near his bumper. I seethe inside.

6:53 pm: Owner of SUV agrees to back up five feet to allow me room to park. I feel grateful until he again warns me not to touch his bumper. I am overcome by a desire to get out of the car and punch him, but I refrain.

6:54 pm: Ruby orders me to pull my car closer toward the curb. I try to reposition but have to dodge half a dozen stupid NYU pedestrians while cringing in fear that I might get too close to the SUV.

6:56 pm: Ruby tells me for the fifth time that I'm 5 inches from the curb and I should really be 2 or 3 inches. I ask Ruby to verify the position of my front bumper but she ignores me.

6:59 pm: After various requests to Ruby to verify front bumper positioning I yell "FINE, I WILL GET OUT OF THE CAR AND DO IT MYSELF!!" I verify that I am no longer overhanging the cross walk. I become pleased with myself.

7:00 pm: Ruby tells me again to pull in closer. I opt to ignore her.

7:03 pm: We arrive at AMA for our 7:00 pm reservation. The rest of the party is not there.

7:04 pm: We are seated at our table and Ruby says "let's get you a cocktail to calm you down. You're getting hyper." I reply that she was really annoying while I was trying to park the car. Ruby looks hurt.

7:08 pm: My cocktail arrives. I heave a sigh of relief as I take a sip.

ALCOHOL CONSUMED: One large gin gimlet

7:20 pm: The rest of the party arrives. Poor George orders a bottle of wine.

8:20 pm: We are enjoying a wonderful dinner. Stanley and I have sweetbreads, Poor George has pasta, Ruby has quail, Pauline has fish. Poor George orders a second bottle of wine, much more tasty (and expensive) than the first. We opt not to care because we are filthy rich.

ALCOHOL CONSUMED: Approximately three or maybe four glasses of red wine.

9:07 pm: To avoid an embarrassing Asian arm-wrestle over the check, I go to the back of the restaurant and pay for dinner in private.

9:10 pm: Stanley learns of my secret pay-the-check scheme and practically throws his brother to the ground in an attempt to cram cash into George's pocket, causing a larger commotion than would have occurred if we would have simply arm wrestled over the check. The maitre d' approaches cautiously to ask if everything is ok.

9:17 pm: En route back to the car Stanley and George engage in a private conversation on the topic of why Ruby has to be invited to our outings, since she ruins things with her annoying personality. I am cited as the reason she often comes along, due to my "soft spot" for her. Silence ensues.

9:26 pm: We reach the car where I retrieve my cell phone and George and Ruby stash some personal belongings. We bid "good night" to Stan and Pauline.

9:30 pm: I retrieve a voice mail message from Beckeye who is concerned about the strange looks she is getting at the gas station as she fills up her car while wearing a 70s disco outfit. I admire her preparedness.

9:37 pm: I retrieve a text message from my friend Shania who was going to come but ended up puncturing her foot on a nail or something. I make no attempt to see if she is OK. George offers that she is probably lying to get out of the party.

9:42 pm: My friend Shelly calls to see where we are because she has arrived at the party on her own and is being circled by a lecherous looking blond guy. I assure her we will be there very soon.

9:48 pm: George lectures Ruby about the need to stop embarrassing him by talking non-stop. Ruby does not hear the lecture because she is talking about something else.

9:52 pm:
We arrive at the club and are told to stand in line outside for a few minutes.

9:54 pm: I text Shelly inside to tell her to stash up some free drinks for us before the open bar closes at 10:00. Shelly doesn't notice my message and does not order us any drinks.

10:05 pm: We enter the club. Shelly is standing near the bar trying to ignore the lecherous blond guy who is still staring at her. We hug.

10:07 pm: I order two gin & tonics and a glass of water. The bill is $18. I decide we will be drinking $5 Carslbad beers for the rest of the evening.

10:15 pm: We make our way to the back of the club and congregate at a table near the dance floor. Ruby sits down next to a handsome gentleman and then proceeds to whisper to Shelly that the man has a strange, pungent odor. Shelly looks at me questioningly.

10:18 pm: We are told to move away from the table because it has been reserved for certain VIP guests.

10:25 pm: Beckeye arrives, dressed in a gold lamé halter top, leg warmers and approximately three ounces of blue eyeshadow. Her hair is feathered in an attractive style that vaguely suggests "key party."

10:38 pm: George complains loudly that there is not enough ABBA music playing, and scorns the random assortment of 70s pop coming from the DJ's booth.

11:07 pm: Ruby looks like she's about to pass out, and George reluctantly offers to drive her home. She accepts, and George bids us a good evening with an underlying "I'm going to kill you, CP!" tone.

11:29 pm: The gals and I continue to dance and gawk at the odd assortment of party guests, which includes a disco dancing 70+ year old couple and a bona fide giant who is close to eight feet tall. We start wondering whatever happened to the guy who played Lerch on "The Addams Family."

11:47 pm: I offer to buy Beckeye a drink, and she requests an Amstel. I inform her she will be drinking Carlsbad because it's a Swedish party and it's on sale.

11:59 pm: Shelly suggests we ditch the ABBA party and head over to Club Pyramid. We agree.

ALCOHOL CONSUMED: One Gin & Tonic, two Carlsbad beers

12:07 am: We cab over to the East Village and enter Club Pyramid. I am the only one not carded at the door.

12:15 am: I buy small 5 oz. plastic cups of beer for Beckeye and me. I do not bother asking Beckeye if she would like anything else. Shelly disappears into the dance floor in search of her friends.

12:19 am: Beckeye graciously accepts her drink, assuring me that she really does like the taste of flat, room-temperature beer.

12:25 am: We join Shelly and her "gays" on the dance floor. We start dancing to "Thriller." Shelly regales us with tales of having played "Zombie Number 3" in her grade-school remake of the video. I feel old.

12:32 am: The DJ heats up with a well thought out playlist of popular 80s songs, and we get into a serious dance groove with Shelly and her Gays.

1:17 am: We are still dancing, and I scream "they are killing me with these songs!" every time another great oldie starts up. I pontificate on the fact that 80s pop music is more danceable and more fun than 70s disco. No one is listening to me.

1:28 am: I exit the dance floor and buy two more beers.

1:32 am: I return to the dance floor and empty the better part of a cup of tepid beer onto Beckeye's arm. She thanks me and keeps dancing.

1:39 am: As the first few bars of "Our Lips are Sealed" start up, Shelly asks me what group it is. I chastise her severely, then dance like crazy.

1:47 am: Beckeye complains about the noted lack of "Duran Duran" songs and suggests we take a break. I follow her off the dance floor and buy two more beers while she excuses herself to the ladies' room.

1:53 am: I sit on a bar stool with my two beers and begin talking to one of Shelly's friends. I tell her about the blogs and she asks what we write about. I try to say "I don't know, funny things I guess" but it sounds more like "I dullo, fuddy tings I gezz." I sadly come to the realization that I am plastered.

1:55 am: I attempt to recite a list of everything I had to drink until I realize Shelly's friend has no interest and that the math is too hard anyway.

2:07 am: Shelly's friend says she would like to be able to write like David Sedaris, but is worried that she's not original enough. I try to think of something inspiring to tell her, but all I come up with is an "opportunity cost" question about having sex with Mary-Ann vs. Ginger. I take comfort in the fact that my speech is too slurred for anyone to understand me .

2:11 am: Beckeye reappears and suggests we leave soon. I go back into the dance floor to say "good night" to Shelly and her Gays.

2:14 am: I hug and kiss Shelly as well as all her gays, and then fall face first onto the large platform they are dancing next to. I make a brilliant comeback to the effect of "who puddthis stage here?" Everyone ignores me because I am incoherent.

ALCOHOL CONSUMED: 4 small beers (I drank Beckeye's last one when she didn't return from the ladies' room right away.)

2:18 am: Shelly and her girlfriend follow us out of the club and we all attempt to hail cabs. I end up standing in this bizarre twisted leg position for a brief moment, and nearly fall over backwards. I feel grateful that I didn't break anything.

2:24 am: Beckeye and I walk to 2nd Avenue where we find a cab and ride back to her car. I continue to babble incoherently. Beckeye secretly toys with the idea of ditching me.

2:32 am: We arrive at Beckeye's car, and she lets me in after all. She makes me promise not to blog about some garbage she hadn't had a chance to throw out yet. I agree as long as she agrees not to tell everyone I'm an alcoholic.

2:45 am: We cross the Manhattan Bridge. I need food and decide to ask Beckeye to go with me to Purity Diner for some onion rings.

2:52 am: We get on the Brooklyn-Queens Expressway and as we approach my exit I realize we missed the Purity Diner. I decide to forget the whole idea.

2:57 am: I deliver explicit instructions on how many stoplights to go through to get to my street, and resume babbling about God knows what. We pass by my street and I continue talking. Beckeye asks if we passed my street and I suggest making a U-turn.

2:59 am: I exit the car and walk up my block. I consider turning around to wave to Beckeye but opt not to risk such a move for fear of falling over.

3:02 am: I enter the apartment and thank my lucky stars George had the good sense to leave a slice of pizza on the counter for me. I repeat my mantra "Georges rock. Everyone should get a George."

3:03 am: I put the pizza in the toaster oven, and fix myself a plate of cookies and a glass of milk.

3:07 am: I remove the pizza from the toaster oven and sit down on the couch to enjoy my treats.

4:48 am: I awake slouched over on the couch with half the slice of pizza on the floor below me. I pick it up and eat it.

4:56 am: I hear George in the bedroom saying "what are you doing out there? Come to bed!" "Ok," I reply, as I lie back down on the couch.

6:53 am: I awake again and finally go to bed.

TOTAL UNITS OF ALCOHOL CONSUMED OVER 8 HOURS: 12 (although the last four beers were very small.)

OVERALL EVALUATION OF CP: Inexperienced light-weight or total sad-sack lush. End result is the same either way.


Needless to say, much of today has been a wash. But now we're getting ready to go out for some Italian comfort food, so all is becoming right with the world again.

And so, Gentle Readers, until our next East Coast Blogger Conference, I will sign off.



BeckEye said...

Um, I was wearing a silver lamé top, Drunky McDrunkerson. SILVER!

I love that you remembered to mention the junk in my car but forgot the short outburst of road rage. Road rage is funnier.

I do like flat, room temperature beer as long as someone else is buying it. Since I am a poor ragamuffin these days, I greatly appreciated it.

Pyramid Club was awesome. Just sad that Poor George couldn't join the '80s party. I guess his time machine wasn't programmed for that decade. (Ruby broke it, obviously.)

Did Shelly send you the pics yet? Forward!

I wish someone had taken a picture of The Giant.

Dale said...

When I throw up, I want to be just like you.

I'm sorry I missed the opportunity for such excellent blogging material on your deteriorating state. Is floor pizza the new cold morning after pizza?

Anonymous said...

OMG CP I laughed the whole way through this post. I would have loved to share cold pizza and flat beer with you guys.

If I could have found that blue cap and 10 inch platform boots, I would have danced you sober!

Sounds like a good time was had by all, next time I'LL buy the dinner!

Beth said...

Damn. I felt young and forty again reading this. You are SO taking me out next time I come to NYC.

Bubs said...

That sounds so much more fabulous, and overpriced, than our sensible midwestern blogger gathering. We were seriously lacking in danceable pop music and silver lame.

GrizzBabe said...

Sounds like a good time was had by all. Except Poor George who got stuck taking Ruby home. I bet he couldn't push her out of the car fast enough.

chelene said...

CP, if I were still sick this post would totally have cured me. I laughed my ass off through the whole thing (starting with the picture). I'm sorry I missed it but glad you didn't hurt yourself!

Zed said...

So you're a big fan of Ruby's, huh? She's a piece of work, not to mention Stanley and the who-pays-the-check dilemma. God, that sounds like my family!

That was hilarious, CP. The entire piece was very well done. I'm STILL laughing.

And Poor George? He rocks! He knew to go home and stay there. :)

Doc said...

CP, you have nothing to be ashamed of. You conducted yourself with aplomb and panache. Most people find themselves a bit hampered after 12 drinks, but sucking down Beckeye's beer because she couldn't whiz fast enough is an exscusable offence. After all, the first 11 were lonely down there in the dark, and it is the thought that counts. I only hope that Flannery and I can make it to the next one. You and Poor George will drink for free, top shelf only, and I will even drive you home, but you have to promise another wonderful recap of the evening like this one.


Jake's Mom said...

OMG I thought for a minute that was a picture of OUR delightful bro'.

12 drinks: approx..........$ 78.00
Listening to Ruby..........$2000.00
Reading about your drunken fun....

And I did have a fun time on the Ruby narrated Mafia tour. And that doesn't mean you can Fed-x her to me like George wanted to do with Mama Jin.

Marni said...

I wish I could have been there! Sounds like the good ol' days...

Dino aka Katy said...

oh man looks like I missed lots of fun.

Chris said...

An excellent play-by-play, CP! I could really relate to the part about waking up and eating the remaining pizza-half. Classic!

Writeprocrastinator said...

"I am overcome by a desire to get out of the car and punch him, but I refrain."

Yer in New Yawk now, you have ta live up to da other con-na-ta-shun of yer blog name and play some chin music.

Damn, that all sounded like fun except for the Abba.

Keith Kennedy said...

I feel like I really missed out while I was at a biker bar in Florida.

But we had the same beer. Must have been on sale EVERYWHERE.

Grant Miller said...

The Chicago mini-blogger conference lasted until about 11 p.m. Although I drove The Evil Genius to another bar for about 30 more minutes. NYC always, always outdoes Chicago. Always.

Grant Miller said...

Oh - when you nick yourself shaving, I recommend rubbing the nick w/ an ice cube.

wonderturtle said...

My favorite moments are when you find the piece of pizza on the floor and when "silence ensues." I fear our upcoming ECBC won't be as rambunctious, but hopefully a little entertaining.

Tanya Espanya said...

WAAAH!!! Sounds awesome! Wish I'd been there.

Anonymous said...

Dear readers of this CP entry:

Please link this entry to any combination of the following list of movies:

I Married an Axe Murderer
Addams Family Values
Whatever Happened to Baby Jane
Crouching Tiger Sleeping Dragon
The Rocky Horror Picture Show
Xanadu (very briefly)
Days of Wine and Roses
Teen Wolf Now
The Blob

Beckeye: Thank you for delivering the CP to the PG. You are a goddess!

Ruby: Don't you EVER shut up??


Moxie said...

I don't know very many local bloggers. Maybe I should move - the Atlanta, NYC, and DC ones always sound like a lot of fun.

I just read through some of the Ruby and Mama Gin posts - man, those are funny. I'll be back to read more...

BeckEye said...

I'm a goddess?! Just like ONJ in Xanadu!! The life-long dream has finally come true.

Believe me, if I still had a pair of roller skates that fit, I would've totally worn them that night. Ooh! Next blogger party should be a roller skating party!!

Flannery Alden said...

Oh, I am so in for a roller party!

Thanks for the play-by-play, CP; I now have a contact hangover/heartburn.

Mombi said...

Seriously, all. Time for an Akron, Ohio Ultimate Blogger Drunkfest Conference. Then we can end this East Coast/Midwest beef. I don't want you all to end up like Biggie and Tupac.

And Ohio has enough lame (silver AND gold) and feathered hair to go 'round.

Old Lady said...

Ah but we could've partied hardy when I was a street urchin!

Scott said...

sounds like an awesome evening... even if the ABBA party was a letdown.