Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Alissa Milbert can suck my balls - part 2


After my boss's pronouncement about the possibility of seeing Carol Burnett there, El Coyote immediately became my favorite restaurant. (Ok, so the cheap yet tasty margaritas and kick-ass green corn tamales didn't hurt either.)

Any time I went there it was all I could talk about. "I hope we see Carol Burnett tonight! My boss saw her here once!" I would gush to every dining companion who dared join me at this trashy yet lovable L.A. standby. I never did get to see Carol, but one time I was fortunate enough to be seated in the booth opposite from Ricardo Montalban. That's some pretty damn good washed-up star viewing if you ask me.

Over the course of my 5+ years in Los Angeles I became friends with a lot of "industry" people, mainly because the first few close friends I made worked in Hollywood. It was great for me to be around all these people while not working in the "industry" because I got all the benefits of rubbing elbows with the stars while not having to put up with any of the industry bullshit. (Save the fact that some movie or other would shut down all or part of our street about once a month for filming. L.A. people HATE that because it's more common than road construction.)

My friend Lex who lived downstairs from me worked at Paramount, so he would occasionally host parties where someone kind of famous would show up. My M.O. with these people was always to act as unimpressed as possible for fear of being seen as the total star-crazed geek that I was. One time I went on and on to Meri Stilpin from the show "Frazier" about my lower back problems until I thought she might want to kill herself rather than listen for ten more seconds.

(Note that I never use their real names in these posts for fear of being Googled. I am still in possession of a shred of dignity, although that is quickly wearing away.)

Sometimes this kind of nonchalantness could backfire. One time when my friend Beth was visiting me, we went out for breakfast with the gal who played Ellen Degeneres's love interest on her then-controversial TV show. I was kind of friends with Lisa already so I didn't feel I had to hide my admiration for her, and I think she enjoyed my pandering. (Who the hell wouldn't, I ask myself?) Beth, on the other hand, WAS actually unimpressed.

I asked Lisa what she had been up to lately.

"Well, I just wrapped another episode of 'Murder She Wrote,' she replied.

"Murder She Wrote???" Beth exclaimed with surprise. "Murder She Wrote??? Who the hell still watches THAT?" She was at that time a Ph.D student in English literature and as such disdained anything so vulgarly pop-culture.

"Beth!" I replied. "What is with these manners of yours?! Lisa is talking about her job, here! Show some respect, will you?"

"Well I'm sorry! But god, who even WATCHES that show? It's so stupid that even my MOM likes it! It's like mystery-drama for geriatrics!"

Lisa was shocked to the point of not knowing what to say. She just let out a little grunt of horror. "It was really fun to work on," she quietly mumbled.

"Well, I guess I just don't watch that much TV," was Beth's final comment on the subject.

"Oh my God, that's even worse!" I thought Lisa might possibly cry, although it was probably all just part of being dramatic. Actors are like that.



Our breakfast, delicious as it was, slowly disintegrated from there.

....to be continued......




19 comments:

Dr. Monkey said...

I always wanted to 'do' Meri Stilpin. Was she hot in person?

Coaster Punchman said...

She looks just like she does on TV.

SkylersDad said...

You weave a grand tale sir.

Bubs said...

You have to love the unintended casual insult.

vikkitikkitavi said...

When someone breaks the unspoken LA code that there's no such thing as a bad project if we're all getting paid, it can't end well.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

As much as I love this story - it's difficult to stop laughing at the title long enough to start reading it. I'm hanging on like it's Guiding Light or something though - I can't wait to see what happens next.

GrizzBabe said...

I used to make fun of people who watched shows like "Murder, She Wrote" too until I became addicted to "Diagnosis Murder".

Karma's a bitch.

Melinda June said...

Amen, GrizzBabe. But of course, Dick Van Dyke is sex on legs, so that makes it ok.

Creepy said...

Beth rules.

lulu said...

I did L U V El Coyote, even though I never saw anyone remotely famous there. I will always have fond memories of Jane sitting under the table and drinking tequila out of a 4-foot straw.

Grant Miller said...

Yeah...who the hell watches "Murder, She Wrote?"

Dale said...

More disintegration is what I'm waiting for, I hope Beth pops up again.

Cormac Brown said...

Oddly enough, I managed to offend some friends of Meri Stilpin by insulting the husband's work-

Smee Lunktitch: Have you ever heard of "Silk Stalkings?"

Me: I can't stand that show, what's with all the neon? And the show's title? And damn, don't let a plot get in the way of the lingere shots.

Smee Lunktitch: Uh, yeah, I'm an editor on that show and I've been an assistant editor on a couple of episodes.

They knew Meri, before any of them became famous and Smee's wife was the furthest along at point, because she was an assistant agent at one of the then powerhouse agencies. Of course Smee is now a big-time director at Clixar and the last two times I saw him, he wouldn't even look at to me.

Cormac Brown said...

BTW, because of the title, I have to read part three and I'm gonna sleep like crap until you post it.

Coaster Punchman said...

Funny Cormac, I would have insulted Smee even better than you did because I had no idea who he was. I had to IMDB "Silk Stalkings" to figure it out. He's kinda handsome though, so maybe he would have forgiven me. The good thing about Hollywood though is that you can survive no matter who you insult, because everyone there gets fired for something or other to the point that getting fired is not even a stigma. In fact if you are fired because you're an a-hole it probably helps you because then people think you have a pair.

Flannery Alden said...

I LOVE Murder, She Wrote! And I'm not afraid to say it...

Cormac Brown said...

"He's kinda handsome though, so maybe he would have forgiven me."

He looked more like Kevin Smith did in "Clerks" back then, minus the mullet. I just couldn't win that day. He asked me (and I'm paraphrasing) "what director I liked" and I flunked that too. That's part of why I'll never be a screenwriter, I still can't play the damn Hollywood game.

Alan said...

I dunno ... didn't Beth care that she may have been hurting a person's feelings? Regardless of whether Lisa was an actress or a clerk at McDonald's?

disa said...

I love it ! Very creative ! That's actually really cool Thanks.