Saturday, June 17, 2006

The real reasons I've broken up with people

My friend Lu has a new friend Wonderturtle who has a cool blog. Among other things, her blog contains an open letter to her female friends announcing her official retirement from being a bridesmaid. Beautiful.

In another recent entry she does a whole compare/contrast thing with reasons she's given people for breaking up vs. the real reasons that she never gave. This subject merits some further analysis over here at Coaster Punchman's World. Since I have proven myself incapable of having an original thought of my own, I am foverver subject to borrowing the brilliant ideas of others. At least I'm citing her as a reference.

So without further ado, here are some highlights of the real reasons I've broken up with people (the stated reason usually being something like "I just don't think we're a match" etc.)

Those of you who still think I'm a nice guy will probably change your minds after reading this. I guess this is the big unveiling. Even I didn't know what an asshole I am.

Break-ups with girls:

1. I like you, but I find your brother to be kind of hot.

2. You’re a total damsel in distress. Unfortunately, I have a very strong “flight” instinct. I will run and leave you behind if we’re ever attacked on the street. Then your hot brother will kick my ass.

3. I’m not grossed out by you at all, but I don’t really get the boob thing.

Break-ups with guys:

1. And if you mention that god-damned Landmark Education course to me once more I swear I will kill you with my bare hands.

2. You took your fork that had egg yolk on it and dipped it into Alex's fancy little jar of strawberry preserves. That is so not ok that you did that.

3. You squatted down naked on your haunches to pick up the morning paper, and farted.

4. You got into the shower with me when I was getting ready to go to work.

5. Your feet are fucking ugly.

6. You talked stupid to your cats the first morning we woke up in bed together.

7. I love you to death and would marry you in a second if I didn't want to puke at the thought of having sex with you.

8. You told me you're a registered sex offender. You had sex with a 12 year old when you were 21. I know you're sorry and from what I've seen you don't seem like a dangerous child molester. But I cannot get past it. Sorry.

9. You're just kind of gross. I thought you were cute when I first met you, but I must have been on crack. Get the fuck out of my house.

10. On our first date you wore gold chains with your shirt unbuttoned half-way down your chest.

11. I actually kind of like you, but I'm dumping your ass just to even the score a little. And it is taking you 10 years to finish school. I suspect you may be a loser.

12. You told me you like just about any kind of music except for country-western or heavy metal. Shut the fuck up.


lulu said...

Is there a problem with someone taking ten years to finish school?

Glad you liked wonderturtle's blog. She's awesome.

wonderturtle said...

HA! You have elevated it to a whole new level. But thanks for the props.

As for #12, I think I dated that fucker too.

Coaster Punchman said...

Lu, not in your case as you actually did finish. There was a method to your madness and it finally paid off.

WT, thanks, right back at ya.

Hubby to the CP said...

To all you Coaster Punch fans, as the abused spouse for the last 8+ years of the CP, I can assure you that of the list of Break-ups with guys: (1) This is true for the CP, except that it would be any one from a list of cheesy movies including but not limited to: Not Without My Daughter, Mommy Dearest, any movie with Meredith Baxter, any other movie with some femme fatale in a pathetic situation caused by her abusive /sex obsessed/troubled husband (2) at least CP would never do something like this while someone were watching (3) no comment (pllllllltthhhhhppp) (4)it is very difficult to get into the shower with the CP, you see "coaster" as in the water is soooooo hot when he showers that you better use a coaster (5) CP has pretty feet, just hold your nose (6) CP talks mushiness to kitties in a voice so high that not even the dogs can hear it (7) can't comment on this one, you might puke (8) read this carefully, CP was obviously having a bout of dyslexia during this (9) scary thought is the CP would never even try crack, so how would he know? (10) I am embarassed to tell you what CP wore on OUR first date (11) it will be a mystery of the universe as to why the CP went to law school (12) however, if the exception were girly show tunes, I may ask CP for this guys number!

Some people are married to the mob, others get themselves hitched to some poor old slob. Me, I am very happy with the coaster punchman - but not to worry, although he is not perfect, I still love him so.

jin said... sweet! CP, how do you get your husband to write nice comments like that on your blog?!!?

My husband won't even read mine. :-(

(Oh, wait...then again...I can talk about him...:-)


Coaster Punchman said...

Oh well, if you've noticed I still talk about George anyway! You only say nice things about your husband so even if he read it he wouldn't mind. I actually got mad at George for not reading mine so now he does.

who else? said...

Life with Coaster Punchman, very restricted, many rules, lots of judging.

Melinda June said...

And that's why we love him. Rules, restrictions, and judging make live much more fun.

Coaster Punchman said...

I know! George just doesn't get the point of having policies. Plus, I've told him a million times: I don't make the rules, I just enforce them.

Melinda June said...

Policies keep out the riff raff.