Happy Birthday to Me

Tired kitties

It's amazing how sweet they can look when they try.

About twenty minutes ago I was in the bathroom when I heard a tremendous crash coming from the bedroom. When I went to investigate, I found an enormous aloe plant face down on the floor amidst the shattered remains of its clay pot.

Grover and Ava are still in hiding. Good thing.

CP and the "Star Wars" block

In 1977 I was sent away to live with a foster family for part of the summer, due to some extraordinary problems my parents were facing at the time. It's not as shocking as it sounds, because it wasn't really a foster family - it was close friends of ours who had always been like a second family to me.

The parents of this family were excellent role models for both me and their birth children, and I have always felt they saved me, at least somewhat, from turning out as crazy as my brothers. They taught me that one needn't behave like a raving lunatic to lead a normal life.

Trust me, spending extended periods of time in their house was a real eye opener.

The father of this family thought it would be a special treat to take me to see "Star Wars" when it opened. So he and I went, just the two of us. It's like it was supposed to be some special father-foster-son outing for the day. How nice.

Unfortunately, although I generally loved going to the movies, I can't say that I enjoyed "Star Wars" at all. Not even the tiniest bit. In fact, I pretty much hated it. I got confused about the plot almost immediately, and at one point even fell asleep. Here is a summary of what I extracted from the film:

* Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia were the good guys.

* Darth Vader was the bad guy.

* There were these other guys named Han Solo and Obi-Wan Kenobi, but I had no idea what their deal was.

* Artoo Deetoo and C3PO were these silly robots who ambled around doing a "Laurel & Hardy" routine and seemed to be there mainly for comic relief.

* There was a Bigfoot-type creature named Chewbacca who grunted a lot and otherwise served no purpose that I was aware of.

* A LOT of REALLY BORING spaceship flying scenes and sundry battles took place, and then Luke swung Princess Leia somewhere on a rope.


That is pretty much what I walked away with. So much for our father-foster-son outing. But at least I got popcorn, from what I remember.


When I got back to school in the fall, I noticed that all my friends were gaga over this movie to the point where they could talk about little else. I felt left out and inadequate. I was downright ashamed to admit I had seen the film and couldn't make heads or tails out of it.

Over the years I have seen a few of the other "Star Wars" films and walked away similarly confused each time.


Apparently, I've been suffering from a "Star Wars" block for almost thirty years.


Flash forward to today. Twice in the past several weeks I heard about people watching "Star Wars" to comfort themselves in times of need. My brother-in-law recently had some heavy-duty surgery that required an extended recuperation period, and according to my sister he spent the first day out of the hospital watching all the "Star Wars" movies back-to-back.

Then my friend KC reported that her toddler son, who just had his tonsils out, spent part of his first day home sitting in front of the television, completely absorbed in "Star Wars."

"Ok, this is fucked up," I thought to myself. "I'm a fucking Georgetown graduate and yet am unable to comprehend this movie, while my friend's pre-schooler is totally into it. This just can't be. I have to figure this out."

So off to Blockbuster I went, and rented "Star Wars." I came home and immediately inserted the DVD.

Long ago, in a galaxy far, far away....

I remembered this part, with the text rolling backwards, diagonally into the screen.

Then I read the rest of the paragraph. Something about a civil war... wait, what was that?


I hit rewind. I read the paragraph again. Still, no fucking clue.


I finally understood what the problem was. This is a classic example of something akin to my occasional aural comprehension problem that I described in a recent post. For some odd reason, I found it almost impossible to absorb the meaning of this paragraph, and had to rewind about five times to make any sense of it.

What the FUCK is my problem? What????

Anyway, once I read the paragraph numerous times and absorbed the meaning into my pea-sized brain, the rest of the movie was a snap. But I can see why I was so confused all these years. Without understanding the basic framework of what was happening, as explained in that opening paragraph, it would be kind of difficult to piece together all the intergalactic shoot-em-ups and laser sword fights and all that.

I then watched the movie from start to finish and understood everything that was going on.

Now I feel like I've accomplished so much. At least for a retard.

Still, I can't say I'm overly impressed with this whole "Star Wars" obsession that seems to occupy about 95% of the rest of the world. In fact, it seems to me the filmmakers went on quite a while about a plot that can be described in under three minutes.

For any of the other retards out there who were unable to comprehend "Star Wars," here is a synopsis for you:

* Princess Leia reigns over a population that has been conquered by an evil Empire, headed in part by Darth Vader. The Empire knows she's up to no good and captures her. She wears her hair in an attractive cinnamon pastry bun style.

* Leia has stolen some plans for a Death Star that the Empire plans to use to blow up planets and other shit. She stored information about these plans in Artoo Deetoo and is hoping to get help from Obi-Wan Kenobi.

* Luke Skywalker knows Obi-Wan and gets recruited by him to help in the struggle against the Empire. Luke also develops the hots for Leia.

* Luke and Obi-Wan hire Han Solo and his lackey Chewbacca to fly a ship for them. In a deleted scene available only on adult pay-per-view, Han and Luke get into a wresting match during which Han completely overpowers Luke, rips off all his clothing and puts him in a dog collar. Luke turns completely subservient and becomes Han's little prison-bitch. (Ok, wishful thinking.)

* Darth had been a student of Obi-Wan years ago, but is now evil. They have a neat laser-sword fight.

* A bunch of other violent stuff happens, and then Luke, Han, Leia and Obi-Wan win the battle.

The end.


Now that wasn't so bad, was it?

Presenting

The Earl and Duchess of Canterbury by Way of Huntington:


Grover Derwood


and

Ava Wilhemina

Weird things for Katie

Katie Schwartz tagged me about a year ago asking me to list some weird things about myself. These aren't really funny or even entertaining, but I can guarantee you they are weird. Enjoy.

1. I'm afraid of escalators. Mostly when they are going down. I absolutely, positively cannot step onto a down escalator unless I have at least one free hand to hold the rail. And if there is a crowd of people behind me, I have to let a bunch of people go ahead of me because I usually have several false starts when trying to step on. It's really embarrassing, and I don't even know how this phobia started. It's like one day I woke up and decided to be afraid of escalators. Who the hell knows.

2. I am terrfied of choking. Often, while eating, I recall a grade-school movie about how to do the Heimlich maneuver. I especially remember this lady who was putting away meat in a Tupperware. She put a small slice of beef in her mouth, choked, and had to give herself the Heimlich maneuver using the back of a chair. It was really gross, so I decided I never needed to go through that. Hence, I became terrified of choking. When I am eating, if I think about any of this I start to fear that I will choke right then and there. Then I cough and slap myself on the chest, generally scaring the shit out of whomever is eating with me. Consequently, I am forced to eat alone more and more frequently.

3. I go through spells where I suffer from a serious aural comprehension problem. Someone will be talking to me and I will realize at some point that I have no idea what they have been saying. So I try to start listening and instead of hearing what they say, I become fixated on the person's physical act of speaking. I watch the month, listen to the sounds of the words coming out of the mouth, and try to detect an accent. And then when the person asks me a question related to what they have been saying, I am fucked.

Sometimes I don't even understand the simplest things, especially if a foreign accent is involved. Last week I bought a sandwich and a cup of soup from a carry-out deli. As I was paying, the cashier said "you get one soda with this." I had NO idea what she said. I thought she was trying to explain the price to me or something. "Just tell me how much it costs, and I'll pay" I kept saying. She looked at me like I was retarded and just said "one soda. Take one soda." When I finally caught on, I felt like a damn fool.

4. There is a certain curse that follows me around where I am denied beverages in restaurants. Furthermore, at least twice I have been reprimanded by waiters for daring to ask (a second time) for my beverage after my food has been served. It is a proven fact that something about my aura triggers this phenomenon, because several friends have noticed that it only happens to them when I am around.

In short, I am a fucking freak. Happy New Year!

Merry Christmas!

Mindy June called me on Christmas Eve and the first thing out of her mouth was "is it true you have not blogged since December 10? Because I'm thinking something might be wrong with my computer."

"Oh, has it been that long?"

"Yes. You'd better get on the ball, or you're going to lose all your readers."

(CP shrinks in horror.)

I truly am sorry for the extended absence, Gentle Readers. I've been on vacation from work, and I guess my sense of having no responsibility must have spilled over into other parts of my life, like blogging and personal hygiene.

For what it's worth, a vacation where I don't have to travel OR manage psychotic family members was just what I needed. And it's going to continue until January 8. My life fucking ROCKS right now.

Christmas was lovely. Christmas Eve was all-Norwegian-all-the-time, complete with a Norwegian church service and baptism, a buffet dinner that shocked and horrified George, and dancing around the Christmas tree on the roof of the church. It should be noted that Poor George pleased our fellow celebrants with his moving rendition of O Jul med Din Glede, despite his apparent belief that Norwegian carols sound best when sung by the mildly retarded.

We had a peaceful Christmas day, having enjoyed a sumptuous dinner of lobster bisque, rib roast, pan roasted fennel, and baked potatoes, capped off with desserts by Jin. Oddrun and Ruby joined us in our home for this wonderful meal.

And all the while, the crazies remained at a safe distance from me, back in Illinois.

Peace and joy to all of you, my Gentle Readers. I will be back soon.

Love,
CP

ps: We have two new kittens. I'm not planning to post about them until we have a new digital camera, since it would practically violate the Geneva Convention to deny you visuals of these cats, the cutest ever to visit this Earth. Not that I'm biased or anything.

In response to those angry mommies

CPW has been receiving angry letters from the same kinds of mommies who, as Lulu noted in her comments to my post below, protested a Chicago cafe after the owner posted a sign requesting children to use their "indoor voices" while on the premises. I have been questioned extensively, along the lines of "when did you first start to hate children?" and "where do you live, so that I can come over and show you MY indoor voice, you son-of-a-bitch?"

Well, dear mommies, this is just a little post to let you know that I don't hate children at all. I think they're kind of cute. I really only hate YOU when you fail to live up to your responsibility to teach them how to behave in public.

Here's a little pic just to prove to you what a softy I am with the kiddies. My friend Kapooch just had her first dumpling last year, Lara. Lara LOOOOOVES the CP, as I found when I took her inside during a complete screaming fit she was having as Kapooch was trying to enjoy a cocktail with some friends. I'm no one to let a screaming kid get in the way of mommy's cocktail hour!

In fact, little Lara and I discovered that night that just a tiny dip of the pacifier in one of CP's gin gimlets calms a little one's tantrum quite nicely. Especially when repeated several times.

I have SO missed my calling in the world.

Even Annie can't kick out these blues

I loved the musical "Annie" when I was a kid. I still do actually, though I haven't seen a professional production of it since about 1979.

My love for this show began on a couch in the music room of the house I grew up in. I had severely sprained my ankle when I was twelve, resulting in my getting to stay home on that couch for a whole week instead of going to school. Rock on.

My mom knew what a junky I was for Broadway musicals, so to cheer me up she brought me home the original cast album of "Annie," which was the new smash Broadway hit at the time. As soon as she started up the record player and Andrea McArdle belted out the first heart-string tugging lines of "Maybe," I knew I was hooked. I had every line for every song memorized by the end of the week.

I listened to that album so many times that today, nearly thirty years later, I still know every word to every song. I thought this was normal behavior until one night at Marie's Crisis, when the crowd was singing the entire soundtrack to "Annie." I frequently noticed I was the only one singing; no one else seemed to know those lyrics like I did.

At one point I was stared down shamelessly by a group of drunk young women as I belted out the whole "Yank the whiskers from her chin!!!" interlude from "Hard Knock Life" with the enthusiasm of a junior-high cheerleading squad.


Could there even possibly be anything gayer than that?


Anyway, imagine my excitement when I heard about the new "Annie" national tour coming to New York! I immediately signed up to get us tickets for the show at the Madison Square Garden theater. George and I went last night.

Before you ask me how it was, I'll tell you this: if you ever have the chance to see a legitimate work of theater in your life, I would strongly encourage you not to do it in a venue that simultaneously offers NBA basketball and/or professional boxing as entertainment. Let's just say that this was not your typical sophisticated New York crowd.

For starters, I should not have been surprised that the audience consisted almost entirely of children under the age of seven with their parents, although one does wonder why someone would want to spend $60 per ticket and up on taking a kid to a show that he or she will likely not appreciate.

I am further disheartened that parents today do not seem interested in teaching their children to behave in public at all, let alone sit quietly through a performance that the rest of us have paid good money to see.

As we endured an evening amongst full voice parent-child conversations and tantrums as loud as ten freight trains, I experienced multiple flashbacks of sitting in church as a child and having my arm nearly ripped out of its socket for daring to make any noise louder than a pin dropping. As harsh as they were at times, at least my parents knew what they were doing with regard to teaching me public decorum.

To make matters worse, Madison Square Garden treats the subject of "theater" with all the grace befitting an Evander Holyfield match. The ushers actually walked up and down the aisles of the theater selling popcorn, beer, Coca-Cola, cotton candy and "Annie" memorabilia. I have personally attended pro-wrestling tournaments that had less noisy hubbub and commotion than this so-called "theater" at Madison Square Garden.

The show itself, or what we heard of it, was passable - though barely. In all fairness to the performers, I would like to see them again in a proper venue, or at least one that wouldn't necessarily require a thorough hand-washing after touching one of the seats. But that's just me.

As sad as it is to admit, I've seen not one but two community theater productions of "Annie" that far outshone the spectacle I witnessed last night. And for less than a quarter the price, too. So much for our hip, sophisticated New York lifestyle.

Damn.

A Meme for Katelah

Our favorite Jewess blogger, Katie Schwartz, has requested I complete the following questionnaire. So enjoy. Or not.


DO YOU SNORE?
I take the fifth on this one. I say 'no' but my better half says 'yes'.....


ARE YOU A LOVER OR A FIGHTER?
Like Rodney Dangerfield, I AM a lover, not a fighter.


WHAT'S YOUR WORST FEAR?
Demonic possession. I hate that all this fanfare is back ever since that damn Emily Rose movie. I had enough problems getting The Exorcist out of my system, and now this. This afternoon our doorbell rang on its own just as I finished watching a documentary about exorcisms. Let's just say the court was not amused.


AS A KID, WERE YOU A LEGO MANIAC?
Although I did play with Lego, I would not categorize myself as a Lego-maniac. That would be excessive.


WHAT DO YOU THINK OF REALITY TV?
Survivor: Never seen it
American Idol: Live for it
The Real World: What a dumb pile of crap
Amish in the City: Lived for it
My Big Fax Obnoxious Fiancee: Lived for it and laughed my ass off every week. We need more practical joke-TV like that.
Mad Mad House: My ABSOLUTE favorite. This was a Real-World/Survivor type show on the Sci-Fi Channel where a group of contestants had to live with these extremely "alternative" people, who would judge the contestants and kick one person out each week. They would make the contestants bob apples from vats of pig blood and that sort of thing. The kicker was that the criteria for getting to stay was never made clear, and the alternative people would just say things like "I don't feel you're trying to grow spiritually with us" and shit like that. It was HYSTERICAL. Unfortunately I couldn't see all the episodes so I don't even know who won.

The Mad Mad House judges

DO YOU CHEW ON YOUR STRAWS?
No. I'm afraid to ingest my lipstick.


WERE YOU A CUTE BABY?
You decide.


IS THE SINGLE LIFE FOR YOU?
When I was single, I would have said yes. Now that I'm fake-married, I'd get my ass kicked if I said that. I love my fake-spouse, but I'd be about 25 pounds lighter if I were single. So it's a give-and-take kind of thing.


WHAT COLOR IS YOUR KEYBOARD?
Black as the heart of the devil.


DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER?
Yes. Why do people sound better in the shower? Why is that?


HAVE YOU EVER BUNGEE JUMPED?
No. In fact, hell no!


ANY SECRET TALENTS?
I learned the song Fifty Nifty United States in sixth grade and I still know all the words, including the part where you name all the states in alphabetical order. Cool beans.


WHAT'S YOUR IDEAL VACATION SPOT?
Places I haven't been that I want to hit next: Peru, Australia, New Zealand
Places I've been that I love: Amsterdam (and not just for the drugs), Hawaii, Jamestown ND.


CAN YOU SWIM?
Yes.


HAVE YOU SEEN THE MOVIE DONNIE DARKO?
No.


DO YOU GIVE A DAMN ABOUT THE OZONE?
Yes.


HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A TOOTSIE POP?
I hated that stupid owl. In the realm of cartoon owls, I was a Woodsy loyalist. "Give a hoot. Don't pollute!" Whatever happened to him?


CAN YOU SING THE ALPHABET BACKWARDS?
Yes! I suppose that may be another secret talent.


DO YOU PREFER ELECTRIC OR MANUAL PENCIL SHARPENER?
Electric. Those manual ones remind me of grade school when Mrs. Daniels would yell at anyone who dared approach the sharpener without her express permission. I don't know what her problem was.


WHAT'S YOUR STAND ON HUNTING?
I love animals. They're delicious!


IS MARRIAGE IN YOUR FUTURE?
Grrr. People always ask if George and I want to have some sort of ceremony and I usually say "no" because I don't want a fake marriage. The big bang with marriage is being able to take advantage of the benefits given by the federal government, like social security. Until we can have that like everyone else, I'm not playing. I have several straight friends (aside from Brangelina) who have decided not to marry until their gay friends are able to as well. I applaud them for taking this stand.


DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
I don't mind it. I type so much faster than I write that I don't like to do it because it seems to take so long. Also, now that I rarely hand write, I seem to have developed a system of half-printing half-cursive. It's groovy Greg & Marcia.


WHAT ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO?
Strangely enough, I believe I am just slightly allergic to cats. Now that we no longer have Betty, I sneeze a lot whenever I go over to Oddrun's. But I don't care - I'm still getting a cat in December.


WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAID, I LOVE YOU?
This morning. At that crucial, pleasurable moment. Unfortunately, I was alone.


DO YOU CRY AT WEDDINGS?
I used to, but now they piss me off. So no, I don't cry.


HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS?
Scrambled, with cheese. And not too hard either.


ARE BLONDES DUMB?
Not nearly as dumb as gingers. Ask Mindy.


WHERE DOES THE OTHER SOCK END UP?
My ass.


WHAT TIME IS IT?
8:37 PM. Uncanny, as Katelah's said 3:37. Maybe I'll start some ritual at the 37th of every hour. Something dirty and genitals-related since Katelah is involved.


DO YOU HAVE A NICKNAME?
My real name is Thomas. Most friends call me Tom. One or two friends call me Tommy, but my mom would shit if she knew, so don't tell her. My adoring readership calls me CP, or some variation thereof. Certain business people address me formally by my last name, as in "Mr. H." I kind of like it. I also love it when kids on the street call me "mister" or "sir." Which isn't bad, considering some of the things you hear out of kids' mouths on the streets of New York Shitty.


IS MCDONALDS DISGUSTING?
I do like the taste of the stuff, sadly.


WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE IN A CAR?
Yesterday afternoon. What the fuck is it with some of these stupid questions?


DO YOU PREFER BATHS OR SHOWERS?
Both - depends on what my goal is. A nice soak in the tub is good to relax, but showering seems more sanitary and less trouble.


IS SANTA CLAUS REAL?
No, as my asshole brother made sure I knew when I was about 5.


DO YOU LIKE TO HAVE YOUR NECK KISSED?
Love it. Even more so, however, I like kissing necks. Biting them too. Just short of drawing blood, but I'm working my way up to that.


ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK?
Kind of.


WHAT ARE YOU ADDICTED TO?
Junk food. Crippling inactivity. The Internet, and not just for porn.


CRUNCHY OR CREAMY PEANUT BUTTER?
Creamy.


CAN YOU CRACK YOUR NECK?
I used to, but ever since I started having spinal problems I don't do anything like that.


HAVE YOU EVER RIDDEN IN AN AMBULANCE?
Only once, with a friend who was dying. It was horrible.


IS DRUG FREE THE WAY TO BE?
Yes. Pot doesn't bother me if other people smoke it, but I am way too sensitive to drugs even to do that.


ARE YOU A HEAVY SLEEPER?
Can be.


WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR EYES?
Brown, with enough green mixed in them that they are technically hazel. Wearing green or olive really brings it out.


DO YOU LIKE YOUR LIFE?
Certain parts of it.


ARE YOU PSYCHIC?
A bit. I've had some experiences where I know a friend is suffering even though they are far away. Other times I will dream about someone I haven't talked to in years and the next day I will hear from them or hear news about them.


HAVE YOU READ CATCHER IN THE RYE?
Several times.


DO YOU PLAY ANY INSTRUMENTS?
Piano, which I still play. I know how to play the violin although I no longer play it.


HAVE YOU EVER STOLEN MONEY?
Change off my dad's dresser. I'm certain it pissed him off.


CAN YOU SNOWBOARD?
No - and it looks like something I would break my neck at.


DO YOU LIKE CAMPING?
Love it. I was a Boy Scout for God's sake.


DO YOU SNORT WHEN YOU LAUGH?
No.


DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC?
That's kind of an obscure question. What kind of magic are we talking about?


ARE DOGS A MAN'S BEST FRIEND?
I always thought that was a stupid saying.


YOU BELIEVE IN DIVORCE?
But what about the children???????


CAN YOU DO THE MOONWALK?
Who the FUCK cares?


DO YOU MAKE A LOT OF MISTAKES?
Constantly. I don't care. When I worked in a large NY law firm I think I pissed off another lawyer by not caring that I made mistakes. One time I made an error that could have been a really big deal if we hadn't caught it - but we caught it. I just shrugged my shoulders and said "shoot, that was a mistake." What the hell was I supposed to do - eat crow for a month? I didn't give a shit. I would have been upset if it wasn't correctable of course, but it was.


IS IT COLD OUTSIDE TODAY?
Why on earth is this an interesting question?


WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
I just had a large dinner of oysters on the half shell with salmon roe; three pieces of yellowtail, salmon and tuna sushi; two pieces of eel. Salad and miso soup. Very full.


DO YOU WEAR NAIL POLISH?
No, though I do get a pedicure about every three weeks. One time I did get clear polish on them which was nice. Didn't really look like polish.


HOW MANY PEOPLE DO YOU LIKE RIGHT NOW?
Do you mean like or like like? I like plenty of people, and I like like two (my better half plus my John Mayer-looking doctor.)


WHAT'S THE MOST ANNOYING TV COMMERCIAL?
The one about Bob, the guy who is happy because he takes that drug for male enhancement.


DO YOU SHOP AT AMERICAN EAGLE?
I think I may have purchased a few things from there more than a decade ago. Again, who the hell cares?


FAVORITE SONG AT THE MOMENT?
I just did a piano arrangement of Fuck and Run which I hope to make part of the home concert series soon.


WHO ARE YOU TAGGING?
Everybody. Sorry that some of the questions are stupid. I didn't write them.