Songs I will never listen to from start to finish, Vol. 1
Grant Miller and Lulu hate the song Little Drummer Boy. Personally, I think they're much too hard on that little guy. After all, Mary nodded, Jesus smiled, and the ox and lamb kept time - all for him! How could you dislike a little boy who was smiled at by the Lord himself? Grant and Lulu are just a couple of evil bastards without souls.
But I, Coaster Punchman, have a confession to make. I too possess a repertoire of songs I cannot stand, and for a select few of them I have gone so far as to enact the following policy: If one of these songs should come on the radio in my presence, I must either a) change the station; or b) leave the room.
I have never, ever violated this policy with regard to "Every Breath You Take." I cannot STAND that song. I didn't mind it so much in 1983. But one day, some time in 1994, after I had heard it for the billionth time, I decided enough was enough. That song had been played more times than even the entire universe could bear. It had overstayed its welcome. Right then and there I vowed that I would NEVER listen to that song in its entirety, ever, ever again.
It's not always an easy rule to keep, Gentle Readers. In fact, one time, not long after I instated the policy, I got caught in the world's most horrific traffic jam on the Hollywood freeway. The road was a parking lot, for over an hour, with no explanation from anyone on what was causing the holdup. I kept the radio on the entire time, waiting for the traffic report.
One report came - no news. Next report, about twenty minutes later - again, nothing. So I said to myself "self, on the next traffic report they are sure to explain to all us nice people what the fuck is going on with the Hollywood freeway." So I kept the radio tuned to that station.
Another 15 minutes went by, and the freeway was still a parking lot. "Good," I thought. "In just another 5 minutes we'll know what the problem is."
And then it started.
The sickening "thump, thump thump thump thump, thump, thump thump thump thump..." of the opening bars to that fucking song.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" I screamed. "That is NOT FAIR!!!!!!! I've waited ALL THIS TIME!!!!!!" I was quite upset.
But I still changed the station. I had to.
After all, we have policies for a reason. And sometimes there's just no turning back - no matter what the cost.
I am Coaster Punchman and you have just entered my world. I rule it with an iron fist, so if you're looking for First Amendment protection, you will not find it here. I have a now deceased crazy Chinese mother-in-law, and sometimes I wear Crocs around the house. I don't like flip-flops or Mormons. I'm also a cyberstalker by trade -- so I could look up all sorts of random shit about you if I wanted, but I probably won't because I'm pretty lazy.