Thursday, January 18, 2007

Songs I will never listen to from start to finish, Vol. 1


Grant Miller and Lulu hate the song Little Drummer Boy. Personally, I think they're much too hard on that little guy. After all, Mary nodded, Jesus smiled, and the ox and lamb kept time - all for him! How could you dislike a little boy who was smiled at by the Lord himself? Grant and Lulu are just a couple of evil bastards without souls.

But I, Coaster Punchman, have a confession to make. I too possess a repertoire of songs I cannot stand, and for a select few of them I have gone so far as to enact the following policy: If one of these songs should come on the radio in my presence, I must either a) change the station; or b) leave the room.

I have never, ever violated this policy with regard to "Every Breath You Take." I cannot STAND that song. I didn't mind it so much in 1983. But one day, some time in 1994, after I had heard it for the billionth time, I decided enough was enough. That song had been played more times than even the entire universe could bear. It had overstayed its welcome. Right then and there I vowed that I would NEVER listen to that song in its entirety, ever, ever again.

It's not always an easy rule to keep, Gentle Readers. In fact, one time, not long after I instated the policy, I got caught in the world's most horrific traffic jam on the Hollywood freeway. The road was a parking lot, for over an hour, with no explanation from anyone on what was causing the holdup. I kept the radio on the entire time, waiting for the traffic report.

One report came - no news. Next report, about twenty minutes later - again, nothing. So I said to myself "self, on the next traffic report they are sure to explain to all us nice people what the fuck is going on with the Hollywood freeway." So I kept the radio tuned to that station.

Another 15 minutes went by, and the freeway was still a parking lot. "Good," I thought. "In just another 5 minutes we'll know what the problem is."

And then it started.

The sickening "thump, thump thump thump thump, thump, thump thump thump thump..." of the opening bars to that fucking song.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" I screamed. "That is NOT FAIR!!!!!!! I've waited ALL THIS TIME!!!!!!" I was quite upset.

But I still changed the station. I had to.

After all, we have policies for a reason. And sometimes there's just no turning back - no matter what the cost.

30 comments:

Echo said...

Fields of Gold... much, much worse...

Anything by Billy Joel....just shoot me now....

jin said...

I can't think of any right now...

but

that's because I try to block them out of my memory!!!!

I'll take note next time it happens to me...oh, and it does happen...yes it certainly does.

Anonymous said...

OH, that brings me back. The first time I saw that was at the enlisted social club at Fort Sam Houston Texas. I can still smell the stale beer and menthol cigarette smoke.

I real somewhere that Sting still makes $2000/day in royalties from that song.

Pretty good for a monotonous song about a stalker.

Anonymous said...

I am so with you, cp. for me, it's mccarthur park. for the love...

"someone left the cake out in the rain. I don't think that I can take it cause it took so long to bake it and I'll never have that recipe again. again."

are you mother fucking cock sucking kidding me?!?!?!? that song was chart topping AND produced? what gives? huh?

WE are on the same page, new bff.

xo
jewgirl

Anonymous said...

Oh, CP!

I can't stand "Your're Beautiful" by James Blount. Sounds like nails on a chalkboard ...

Anonymous said...

I'm with Marni. And with CP. Both of these songs are about obsessive, stalkery love and I want no damn part of it.

And I hate Stand by REM. Sorry, beth.

Anonymous said...

How about " Butterfly Kisses?" ACK ACK ACK ACK ACK ACK ACK One of the most retarded songs to ever hit the air.

Anonymous said...

I'm much older than y'all but the Beach Boys can bring on instant nausia and the urge to pummel anybody wearing shorts.

Anonymous said...

Don't Worry, Be Happy!

Barf.

Anonymous said...

Ohmygod, this is so horrifying! All those awful songs, anything from the 1980s, any Madonna, any of the crummy prog rock my lovely darling husband listens to. That's why I like to pick and choose my own music to listen to, or classical or NPR or CBC (I know, I'm a nerd).

Be happy, indeed!

P.S. Did you get my business card to rip up yet?

wonderturtle said...

How about "From A Distance" by Bette Midler?

I'm on board for the Drummer Boy though, Pa rum pum pum pum....

Anonymous said...

And let's not forget "Wind Beneath My Wings." If ever there were to be a national sappy song...that would be it.

Anonymous said...

I hate Stink and the Little Drummer Boy too. Maybe it was him smelling up NYC a few weeks ago. I hear he's moving there!

Coaster Punchman said...

Echo, I would listen to "Fields of Gold" one thousand times in a row if you could guarantee me "Every Breath You Take" would never play again. Sorry.

I'm sure they will come, Jin, they always do...

Stale beer & menthol ciggies... mmmmmmmm, thanks Bubs! Hey, how was the party???

Katie, you always warm my heart. Although I don't detest that song nearly to the level you seem to, I do appreciate the sentiment. Like a whore appreciates clean bedsheets.

Marni, just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, you went and delivered! Thanks!

MJ, OMG, I hate that song so much. I departed the ranks of REM fans and joined the "I like their old stuff" camp when "Stand" came out. Isn't that usually cooler, anyway?

Careful there Ratchet, I'm borderline retarded and I could get offended if I were smart enough to.

Sis, what kind of Patty Duke are you now if you don't like the Beach Boys?

Old Lady, I'd have to agree except that Bobby McFerrin is pretty damn cool otherwise. But I also hate that dumb song.

Tanya, now let's not get carried away. There are plenty of respectable prog rock 80s bands, but we do have the draw lines somewhere. BTW, had dinner with your boyfriend but was careful not to hit on him too hard. Oh and we spent most of the time shredding all your cards to tiny bits - it was fun!

Wonderturtle, although I may have to conclude you also lack a soul because of your stance on LDB, I'm with you on that Wet Shitler song. (Isn't that cute? I just made it up right now.)

Ratchet, see comment above. That one's even worse.

Dale, I can't believe you heard that story - was that actually international news?? I got to stay out of the office that day because of it - not that I have to go there anyway....

Grant Miller said...

I understand hating Sting, but "Every Breath You Take" is a great song if only for the bridge - it's 15 seconds long!

Anonymous said...

I can't stand that song either. Also have to agree with an earlier commenter "Wind Beneath My Wings" induces vomitting for me:)

Anonymous said...

I feel the same way you do about Macy Gray's "I Try" . I have a hard time hating "Every breath you take" , First time I heard it was when I was on my way home from the hospital after having my son in 1982. But you're right, its WAY over played.

Coaster Punchman said...

Grant, you're scaring me. Stop it.

I know, Molecular Turtle. Could come in handy for our Mia friends.

Ok Bluez, I'll give you a pass since for you the song associates with the miracle of birth. But you do know the song is about a stalker, right?

Anonymous said...

I feel the same way about "My Hump" by the Black-Eyed Peas. How they were ever allowed to step out of the studio with that song, I'll never know.

Anonymous said...

It may have been a slow news day when he was stinking up the joint CP.

Is 'My Hump' the one hump wonder by the Black Eyed Humps? Am I drunk at work again?

Anonymous said...

Ugh- the "Hump" song is one of my stepdaughter's favorites right now.

Tumuli said...

Because it was No. 1 on the Billboard Hot 100 the day I was born, "Every Breath You Take" wields an unusual hold on me...

Anything from Creed or the like, however, induces vomiting and temporary hearing loss.

Grant Miller said...

It's over between us, CP. I HATE Sting. But I loved The Police as a child. "Every Breath You Take" is way overplayed and far from their best song. But the bridge is brilliant only because it may be the shortest bridge in popular rock history. It's like 10 seconds long, comes in the middle and breaks up the otherwise dull verses.

Perhaps I have not argued this very well.

But "The Little Drummer Boy" besides the lyrics, why does it have a sound of impending doom? Explain that!

Tenacious S said...

I'm surprised that this is the song that you singled out. I hardly ever hear it anymore. What kind of crap radio stations do you listen to? I'm with the "My Humps" people. Those are the worst lyrics on God's green earth. I feel ill just thinking about them. When you reduce the female anatomy to "lovely lady lumps" I am sooooo out of there. I need to take a shower now. I feel unclean. I will also submit Paul McCartney's "Vanilla Sky" as another piece of total and complete crap. Stupid melody and even worse lyrics. The song sounds like something an eight year old would write. I hate it.

Coaster Punchman said...

Grizzbabe, Johnny and Ten-S, I'm with you all on the "Hump" song. You have my vote.

Yes Dale, you are in fact drunk at work. I thought you were going to knock that off.

Tumuli, I will also grant you a pass on "Breath" since you associate with your own birth. Just remember how generous I've been when I'm in need, please.

I don't know, Grant - maybe because of what was in store for the baby Jesus when he grew up? Such as, I don't know, maybe being NAILED to a cross to atone for YOUR sins? Ever think of that?

Ten-S, remember that this story took place not long after 1994 so it was still getting a lot of (too much) airplay then. But even all these years later, I still won't listen to that song. I reached saturation and that is that. As for the radio, since I moved East and don't drive as much now, I rarely listen to the radio. I do tune in to the cable music channels though which is great because there are no commercials. And I agree with you on the Paul M. song.

Beth said...

Proud of you and your high standards, CP. Sting just f*cking bores me, now that I've grown up and developed taste. He has, what, seven songs worth listening to?

Anonymous said...

Technically I like a few of their songs but basically many of the songs sound alike to me.
Maybe I have old ears.

Anonymous said...

I sobered up and now I'm wondering why a song about stalking isn't the theme song for this blog? Have you read your profile? Or are you drunk?

Anonymous said...

Katie, you are so right! Who ever thought up that shit? At least we know the Beatles were on acid when they wrote "I Am The Walrus". And they were the Beatles! Who thought leaving a cake out on the porch for it to be rained on would be something people want to hear. What kind of nut jobs want to hear it?

I bartended weddings through college and I heard 5 times per weekend and therefore hate: Daddy's Little Girl, The Chicken Dance, Wind Beneath My Wings, and all the other wedding standards.

Long time Police fan and I like Sting and while I don't hate "Every Breath...", still I can do without. I guess I find it to be silly like "Mickey"; it's so not fine nor does it blow my mind and I sure as hell don't think it should be played again.

Lots of comments, lots of passion on this one, CP.

Coaster Punchman said...

Ok, now that I'm on new blogger, everyone who commented using Old Blogger shows up as Anonymous. Not happy.