Sunday, March 18, 2007

Drill, bill & feel

I regularly siphon my blogging ideas off of our friend Dale. My most recent attempt at near-plagiarism was the result of his recent goofy-parent-story, which inspired me to relate a goofy-parent-story about my friend Kapa's visit to her childhood dentist.

Never a blogger to be outdone, Dale took my theme of near-plagiarism to a new level by latching onto my dentist-story idea and writing about some of his favorite dentists.

Well Dale, here's to you. I see your dentist story and raise you one that involves bad touches. Let's see where you go with this.


My childhood dentist had a small practice with two other dentists. When I was a senior in high school, one of the three retired and was replaced by a vigorous young man who was not completely unfortunate-looking.

One day I showed up at the office for some routine maintenance to find that my regular dentist was out and had passed me on to the young strapping Dr. A, who greeted me with a hearty handshake and a slap on the back.

He chatted me up quite animatedly while he prepared the usual instruments of torture. Asked me about school and my upcoming departure for college. Noted that my family had been coming to their office for many years. Talked about his wife & kids. Asked me more questions about how I spent my free time. That sort of thing. Dr. A really seemed to like me quite a bit.

When we had completed our business activities, I got up out of the chair. Dr. A grabbed my hand, shook it heartily, looked me straight in the eye and said "Well Tom, enjoy college and be SURE to come see us when you're home on vacations."

"Ok, will do," I replied, curious about the unusual amount of enthusiasm Dr. A was displaying.

As I turned to leave, I felt his hand give me a little slap on the behind. And if I'm not mistaken, his hand lingered there post-slap for a second or so.

I'm fairly certain that Dr. A copped a feel.

I wasn't offended, as much as confused. "Did the family dentist really cop a feel?" I thought to myself for years.


Both of my parents still go to Dr. A. I haven't seen him since that day in 1984, which would now be 23 years ago. But just the other day, my dad told me "Hey Thomas, I saw Dr. A the other day and he asked how you were. He always does."

So Dale, while one or more of your childhood dentists may have been sadists, mine has been fantasizing about me for over 20 years. How many of us can say that?

Of course this means I can never see Dr. A again. Getting a close-up look at me today would only serve to ruin his fantasies, and that would be wrong.

Sometimes in life you simply need to take a stand.


Dale said...

I will never forget the moment when I saw the words bad touches placed directly in front of my name as they appear in the labels for this story CP. Thank you so much.

Bubs said...

This creepy dentist talk disturbs me.

Thank you.

Old Lady said...

Bubs, you don't know the half of it. A friend of mine worked for a dentist, so I used him once. I avowed never to go back to him after he 'wiped' his hands off all over my breasts. He was later 'decommissioned' for that very infraction being committed on several women over the years.

Megan said...

Maybe you just had a little toothpaste on your ass or something. . .

Molecular Turtle said...

Everyone hates the dentist. And from your stories it seems like there is good reason. No wonder these guys have the highest suicide rates of any profession.

"jew" "girl" said...

cp, that is a hilarious, fabulous yarn. a pervy dentist with a degree in pedophilia-ish?!

the shame....

ps: how ironic is this, the word verification ends in "bj"

X. Dell said...

Perhaps the dentist felt that he didn't torture you enough. Creepy.

Melinda June said...

My childhood dentist was amish. Or reform Amish, I guess, since he used modern dentistry tools. He still asks about me to my folks, too, but he never smacked my ass OR grabbed my breasts so I assume he's just making conversation.

Dale said...

Well played Megan, well played!

Grant Miller said...

Can you really blame him, Coaster Punchman?

Coaster Punchman said...

Always glad to help boost your already impeccable reputation, Dale.

What, this disturbs you more than what you come across in your daily work, Bubs?

I would hate to have been that harsh with Dr. A, Old Lady.

Yeah Megan, that's it.

I don't know why anyone would commit suicide with all the free feels, Molecular Turtle.

No shame, Jew Girl. Never shame at CPW.

Interesting idea, X Dell. I'd have to think about what is more torture - twisting metal tools in the mouth, or....

I wish your childhood dentist were Mormon, Min.

Stop flirting, Dale.

There's always room for blame, Grant. Especially when it's someone other than me.

lulu said...

My dentist used to lay his tools out across my chest on top of the bib...I didn't realize until later that it might have been a little inappropriate.

Tumuli said...

He might have seen himself in you. Literally.

Jake's Mom said...

You came close to being an after school special.

The Freelance Cynic said...

Maybe this is just a new way to improve dentist attendence.
The Dentist - Not just about your Teeth Anymore!

Coaster Punchman said...

Hmm Lu, my female dentists do that to me - the last one was especially clumsy and would actually drop heavy instruments on me repeatedly. Nonetheless, I don't see it as inappropriate as with your situation. I have no boobs. Not even man boobs.

Tumuli, glad to see you around again. And it took me a minute to figure out what you were saying. Then I laughed.

Yes Sis, but which network would have aired it?

Freelance Cynic, thanks for stopping by - and I can just tell you that when I clicked on your profile and read the name of your ballet, I guffawed quite loudly? Nothing like a good pedophile joke to stir things up around here.

jin said...

You reminded me of a similar story...and my very last trip to a dentist ever. (When I was 19.) Ewww...and I don't think I'll post about it either.

I do believe it is written in their swearing in...
"I _____, promise to be a proper sadistic perverted dentist above all else & do everything in my powers that I can conceivably get away with."

GrizzBabe said...

Little known fact: I've never been to the dentist. And after reading all of your horror stories, I'm never going.