Friday, March 04, 2011

Alissa Milbert can suck my balls - The Finale!


This is the real Maura Mingalls. She was supposedly kind of a bitch, so maybe it all makes sense.


Naturally, I could not resist sending Alissa a friend request. Once again, I clicked Send and then ceased to think about it.

A few hours later I got the happy Facebook email: Alissa Milbert has accepted your Facebook friend request.

That’s right Gentle Readers --- CP became FRIENDS! With Half-Pint!!!

(Just to make sure all my Gentle Readers are in on the story --- Alissa Milbert was the childhood star of Little Mouse on the Scarie, playing Half-Pint, aka Maura Mingalls. We’re now talking BIG-TIME 1970s TV stardom!)

So of course, now I’m all impressed with myself. I mean, not just anyone can be friends with Half-Pint. Her friend list was rather small and only consisted of about 50 or so people. I recognized quite a few of her names too, but decided not to press my luck by friending any of them. Not yet, anyway.

I immediately called my friend Shelley in New York. Shelley had sat next to me at work, and we had often discussed a mutual appreciation for Little Mouse, both of us having enjoyed watching it during childhood---and had on more than one occasion joked about forming a Little Mouse book club. (Yes, we had also both read the entire series of books.)

Shelley was quite impressed with my new friendship. It was only natural that she should want to worship me.

* * * *

Over the next several weeks I enjoyed observing the fascinating world of Alissa Milbert. She was on Facebook just about every day --- at the time she was finishing up work on her autobiography and was excited about its upcoming publication.

One morning Alissa posted the following status, purportedly in reference to her work on the book:

The truth will set you free….


I decided to leave her a comment, and in true Punchman style I tried to make it short and witty. (Unlike my blog posts, I realize.) I wrote:

Yes, but aren’t lies more fun?


I was promptly scolded by Alissa’s other friends, who said things like

Come on, we are supporting Alissa in her work. It’s been hard for her to tell her story --- isn’t that more important than having fun with lies?


And such other b.s. from people who have no sense of humor. I felt slightly chastised, but oh well.




Yeah. "Oh well" until later that afternoon. When I discovered I was no longer Alissa’s friend.





That’s right, Gentle Readers. Unfriended. By Half-Pint. Maura Mingalls fucking dumped me. I’d been dumped by a washed up former child actor.




Panicked, I scoured the rest of my Friend list to make sure Palison was still there ---- and she was. (Thank you, Jellie!) And through Palison’s profile I was able to see that Alissa was still indeed on Facebook --- and still had approximately the same number of friends she had when she first decided to be my friend.

So this was intentional. Half-Pint saw my comment, probably wondered “who is this f*cking a**hole? I thought maybe I knew him but he’s obviously just some pathetic stalker. UNFRIEND!”

* * *

Today, if you search for Alissa on Facebook you will have the ability to friend her “Fan” page, where she leaves us the following message:

Please note this is the official Fan page for Alissa Milbert. She will not add friends on Facebook in any other format unless she knows you personally. To avoid disappointment - please do not try unless she knows you!


So at long last, Gentle Readers, we come to the crux, the theme of this series which has been a long time coming:



Alissa Milbert can suck my balls.



Also, for the record, I read her autobiography. And I have come to the conclusion that she really is an asshole.


Unlike Palison, whose autobiography I also read --- and Palison comes across quite clearly as the nice, down to earth gal that she is. I will always love me some Jellie!

So that's where we leave it, Gentle Readers. I realize that a nine installment series may have been a bit much to sit through, merely to learn that I hate Alissa Milbert because she Facebook dumped me.

But since when have you expected great literature from me?

Love and coasters,
CP

11 comments:

BeckEye said...

I think Pa would be very disappointed in her.

Also, I think you should totally use real names in this. Say it with me: CELEBRITIES ARE MADE TO BE MOCKED IN A PUBLIC FORUM.

Also, also, I may have to e-stalk Bruce Boxleitner now that he and Half Pint are splitting up. I've had a crush on that dude since "Bring 'Em Back Alive."

Cormac Brown said...

Meh, f(orget) her, it's Alissa's loss.

Besides, has she done any non-Lifetime or non-Hallmark movies? Look it up, she hasn't done even one indie pic, and they usually give you a cameo in a cool movie when you become part of the SAG political-hierarchy. What does that say about how her colleagues view her?

Coaster Punchman said...

Beckeye - agree with you on that. In this example I just don't want Alison to see it and realize what a scary stalker she had in her house. Might reflect poorly on Alex (aka Lex.)

CB - actually she did have at least one indie cameo - "Lisa Picard is Famous." I need to blog about that as a great sleeper film. In fact I credit it as why Melissa friended me in the first place - my personal comment on my friend request said "I am LISA PICARD!!!!" But generally, yes, you are right - she's done nothing but the usual kind of Litetime trip that I watch. (CMTVM = Cheesy Made for TV Movies)

Dale said...

She did star here briefly in the musical version of Little Mouse and was panned big time for her lack of singing ability and I believe because she's a massive tool. They couldn't give the tickets away by the end of her short run.

The perfect ending to a brilliant series Coaster Punchman except you're still being too nice, I would not let her suck my balls!

Thank you for not dumping me. At least I don't think you have. I am going to check.

Coaster Punchman said...

Oh right Dale, as if dumping you wouldn't be blogger suicide! Funny about the Little Mouse musical being panned - I wouldn't ever have believed her for a singer, and just reading her autobiography made me believe she is a massive tool. And it was HER writing it!

Brahm (alfred lives here) said...

Okay not great literature, but a damn fun read!

GrizzBabe said...

How dare she facebook dump our CP?! She doesn't know what she's missing.

Mnmom said...

Dump CP? Who would do that and miss all the fun???

OK, she can suck my balls too.

Beth said...

Bitch. I'm going to sprout some balls just so she can suck mine as well. How dare she not get the brilliance that is a CP comment!

hapabukbuk said...

awesomely amazing with a side of fries cp. i LOVE stories like this. i have a few of my own, i once touched brian hackett's (from wings) jacket at a party as he walked by me, but none are as good as this!!

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Oh honey if I'd only known about this I could have warned you that she was an a**hole. I too was a fan of hers in my childhood until one afternoon she was a guest on Merv Griffin. Maybe it was Mike Douglas. Anyhoo... she was the same age as me (thereabouts) and I thought we would really hit it off but when I saw her on this talk show I was, even as a child, appalled at her horrible behaviour. She never shut her stupid mouth the entire time she was on the show, and she interrupted Merv (or Mike) and the other guests and laughed too loud and was generally a big mouthy show off. She couldn't seem to get enough of talking about herself. I assume this carried over into adulthood. It's all for the best she de-friended you, she's a giant anus.