Naturally, I could not resist sending Alissa a friend request. Once again, I clicked Send and then ceased to think about it.
A few hours later I got the happy Facebook email: Alissa Milbert has accepted your Facebook friend request.
That’s right Gentle Readers --- CP became FRIENDS! With Half-Pint!!!
(Just to make sure all my Gentle Readers are in on the story --- Alissa Milbert was the childhood star of Little Mouse on the Scarie, playing Half-Pint, aka Maura Mingalls. We’re now talking BIG-TIME 1970s TV stardom!)
So of course, now I’m all impressed with myself. I mean, not just anyone can be friends with Half-Pint. Her friend list was rather small and only consisted of about 50 or so people. I recognized quite a few of her names too, but decided not to press my luck by friending any of them. Not yet, anyway.
I immediately called my friend Shelley in New York. Shelley had sat next to me at work, and we had often discussed a mutual appreciation for Little Mouse, both of us having enjoyed watching it during childhood---and had on more than one occasion joked about forming a Little Mouse book club. (Yes, we had also both read the entire series of books.)
Shelley was quite impressed with my new friendship. It was only natural that she should want to worship me.
* * * *
Over the next several weeks I enjoyed observing the fascinating world of Alissa Milbert. She was on Facebook just about every day --- at the time she was finishing up work on her autobiography and was excited about its upcoming publication.
One morning Alissa posted the following status, purportedly in reference to her work on the book:
The truth will set you free….
I decided to leave her a comment, and in true Punchman style I tried to make it short and witty. (Unlike my blog posts, I realize.) I wrote:
Yes, but aren’t lies more fun?
I was promptly scolded by Alissa’s other friends, who said things like
Come on, we are supporting Alissa in her work. It’s been hard for her to tell her story --- isn’t that more important than having fun with lies?
And such other b.s. from people who have no sense of humor. I felt slightly chastised, but oh well.
Yeah. "Oh well" until later that afternoon. When I discovered I was no longer Alissa’s friend.
That’s right, Gentle Readers. Unfriended. By Half-Pint. Maura Mingalls fucking dumped me. I’d been dumped by a washed up former child actor.
Panicked, I scoured the rest of my Friend list to make sure Palison was still there ---- and she was. (Thank you, Jellie!) And through Palison’s profile I was able to see that Alissa was still indeed on Facebook --- and still had approximately the same number of friends she had when she first decided to be my friend.
So this was intentional. Half-Pint saw my comment, probably wondered “who is this f*cking a**hole? I thought maybe I knew him but he’s obviously just some pathetic stalker. UNFRIEND!”
* * *
Today, if you search for Alissa on Facebook you will have the ability to friend her “Fan” page, where she leaves us the following message:
Please note this is the official Fan page for Alissa Milbert. She will not add friends on Facebook in any other format unless she knows you personally. To avoid disappointment - please do not try unless she knows you!
So at long last, Gentle Readers, we come to the crux, the theme of this series which has been a long time coming:
Alissa Milbert can suck my balls.
Also, for the record, I read her autobiography. And I have come to the conclusion that she really is an asshole.
Unlike Palison, whose autobiography I also read --- and Palison comes across quite clearly as the nice, down to earth gal that she is. I will always love me some Jellie!
So that's where we leave it, Gentle Readers. I realize that a nine installment series may have been a bit much to sit through, merely to learn that I hate Alissa Milbert because she Facebook dumped me.
But since when have you expected great literature from me?
Love and coasters,