CP's Pretend Interviews with Bloggers - Lulu and the Therapist
After abandoning the interviewer’s seat for a number of years, CP recently pretended to sit down with former blogger Lulu again to resume some of their former conversations.
CP: So Lu, welcome back to Blogger, although I must say we miss seeing your posts of life in Bangladesh and other musings.
Lulu: Thanks CP. So can you please make me sound like less of a bitch in your fake interview this time? If you’re going to pretend to be me, it would be nice if you could make me sound vaguely attractive for a change.
CP: What do you mean I don’t make you sound attractive, Lu? Just look at your picture above – you’re smoking hot!
Lulu: Yeah, and if you had any readers left the guys might drool over it the way they used to.
CP: I know. Have any ideas on how I can get some of them back?
Lulu: Maybe stop being an asshole for five minutes?
CP: I would, except Mindy says I’m boring when I try to be nice.
Lulu: Yeah, well I wouldn’t know --- I’ve never had the chance to experience that.
CP: Well actually Lu, you did, at least one time. Remember when I had just graduated from college and I was a total mess? And I started seeing a therapist?
Lulu: Oh God no, I see where this is going.
CP: That’s right Lu. One time I was talking to you from a pay phone at work…
Lulu: Yes, CP, and you were talking to me on a calling card you had stolen from someone, if I recall correctly.
CP: I’ll have you know I did NOT steal that card, Lu. It was given to me by my friend Laurie Whorie who had gotten it from one of her friends whose dad worked at AT&T or someplace.
Lulu: Yes, and the use was completely unauthorized. Which means you were stealing.
CP: Well, it’s not like it was costing them much. And anyway, that was in the days when a) I was very poor and b) I had no scruples. I’ve fixed at least one of those by this time.
Lulu: And we all know which one you fixed.
CP: Lu, are you going to let me get on with this story or not?
Lulu: You’re just pretending to be me here CP, so you can do whatever the hell you want. Go ahead.
CP: Thanks, Lu. So anyway, before we got sidetracked by the part about me stealing from my friend’s friend’s father’s company, I was going to reminisce about the time you tried to shut down my therapeutic process.
Lulu: I wasn’t trying to “shut down” anything, CP. It’s just that you were starting to sound like something out of a Melanie Beattie self-help book. Or that Stuart Smalley guy from Saturday Night Live. Someone had to intervene.
CP: I don’t recall exactly what I said that would have caused this reaction.
Lulu: Jesus Christ CP, do you expect me to recall it? You’re the one with the photographic memory. You’re the one I have to warn everyone not to say anything potentially embarrassing around, because you’ll remember every detail and then bring it up twenty years later at the most inopportune moment.
CP: You mean like that one time when….
Lulu: I’m stopping you right there, CP.
CP: Ok, sorry. Well truth be told, I don’t recall exactly what I was saying either, but it was the kind of stuff my shrink thought I should be saying. This was my first bout with therapy so I didn’t know any better.
Lulu: At least I was trying to help you not embarrass yourself. You might want to take a page out of my book.
CP: If it makes things any clearer Lu, I already felt embarrassed about saying whatever it was I was saying. I was just trying to be a good student. Therapists love me for that.
Lulu: Oh, really? You mean like the one you were seeing in New York who thought you were such an asshole that he stopped returning your calls?
CP: I never told you about that.
Lulu: I know, but this is just you pretending to be me, remember?
CP: Right. Well, we’ll leave that one on the table until we’ve had more time to process it. Maybe after my next round of therapy.
Lulu: I’ll be there to pick up the pieces when the next therapist dumps you, CP.
CP: Thanks Lu, always good to know I can count on you. Well we’ve babbled on enough for today. Catch you at the next fake interview!
I am Coaster Punchman and you have just entered my world. I rule it with an iron fist, so if you're looking for First Amendment protection, you will not find it here. I have a now deceased crazy Chinese mother-in-law, and sometimes I wear Crocs around the house. I don't like flip-flops or Mormons. I'm also a cyberstalker by trade -- so I could look up all sorts of random shit about you if I wanted, but I probably won't because I'm pretty lazy.