Sunday, November 05, 2006

CPW Confessional: CP-hating Catholics

I've decided that whenever someone doesn't like me, it's because they are a Catholic. Not all Catholics hate me, but almost everyone who hates me is a Catholic. It's like a special subsect within Catholicism: you got your normal Saturday night Catholics; you got your Marians; and then you got your CP-haters.

The thing I've been wondering about is, what is it about their Papism that makes the CP-hating Catholics hate me?

It may be because I have some sort of subconscious disdain toward Catholicism. Although I'm not aware of ever having said anything particularly mean about Catholics, at least one person has accused me of this. I have an ex-boyfriend, who shall remain nameless for the moment, who secretly converted to Catholicism while we were dating and kept it hidden from me for fear I wouldn't like him any more. It was one of the funniest things ever to happen to me. I remember how I found out about this when I asked him if he wanted to do something with me on Easter Sunday.

"Uh. . . I'm busy that day," he replied.

"Oh. Well, what are you doing?"

"Just something. You wouldn't be interested."

Hmm. A statement like that would pique anyone's interest.

"What is it?"

"It's something at church."

"What church?"

"M's church." M was his closest friend.

"Isn't he Catholic?"


"Well, what are you doing at his church on Easter? Are you playing?" Sometimes he made extra money as a church musician.

"No, I'm not playing. If you must know, I'm getting confirmed."

"You're getting confirmed."


"As a Catholic."


"How long have you been planning this?"

"About three months."

Three months. My boyfriend, whom I saw at least four times a week, often for overnight, had been preparing to convert to Catholicism for three months and I had no idea.

"Why on earth didn't you tell me this?"

"Because you don't like Catholics, and if you knew I was becoming one I thought you wouldn't like me any more."

I questioned him extensively on this last bit, because I was thoroughly confused. Apparently, I had once uttered the words "I have no use for Catholics" to him and he took me literally. I didn't even remember saying it.

I was raised Lutheran after all, the religion that launched the Reformation. It's in our culture to denounce the Pope; it's central to our purpose as a religion. So I suppose it's only natural that the occasional trace of anti-Catholic vitriol should escape our lips. It's like a reflex. Completely involuntary.

But I certainly never wanted to offend or scare away any of the Catholics that I know.

From that day forward, I took a solemn vow to be nicer to my Papist friends and never again make fun of them for purchasing indulgences or any of that other crap they do.

Maybe I didn't try hard enough.



Coaster Punchman said...

Gentle Readers, a disclaimer: the person described in this story (and other commenters who may know him, please respect his privacy and refrain from identifying him in your comments) has since come to his senses and joins me in condemning the Pope! He has taken it a step further and still works for them as a musician on Sundays - so he takes their money while mocking their beliefs.

Sure, we're going to Hell, but at least we'll have company....


Anonymous said...

Well, CP, catholicism is a rather large religion, so if one goes by odds and demographics, you live in a rather catholicky area, it would make sense that it would be likely that a person who hated you would be catholic. I just don't understand why anyone would hate you!

Old Lady

Melinda June said...

Perhaps it's all that muttering of "Damn Papists!" under your breath.

lulu said...

Um....I know I once made a anti-Catholic comment in your presence and you called me out on it. Where you trying to cover up for your own bigotry?

Coaster Punchman said...

Lu, when was this and what exactly was said? My photographic memory seems to be failing us.

Coaster Punchman said...

Old Lady, you are sweet. Both Mindy and my mom have said the same thing, but I suspect they are biased.

Tumuli said...

"Sure, we're going to Hell, but at least we'll have company...."

Coincidentally, I uttered this exact phrase when explaining to a Catholic friend my church-avoiding/decrying stance. He was not amused.

Coaster Punchman said...

I don't know why I say things like that. Since I was exposed to some scary Kristians at a very young age, I have always been terrified of Hell. Movies like "The Exorcist" and "Emily Rose" still freak me out. If I were on my deathbed, I'd be praying like a madman just to cover my bases.
It's hard to get that stuff out of your system when it's instilled at such a young age.

wonderturtle said...

Were you 8?? What an odd secret to keep.

jin said...

I have serious issues with catholics. I believe they are EVIL. In this area, anyway. LOL. Money, money, money, confession & expensive cars.
Hmmm....I have a story but it's too long for comments. I think I may put it on unplugged this week.

BTW: my shoppe smelled DIVINE last night & this morning. ;-)

Coaster Punchman said...

WT, in the ex's defense, I'm a pretty scary motherfucker. So I guess I could scare anyone into keeping a weird secret.

Jin, I take it the delicious smells have to do with my sweet box....

Beth said...

I was raised Southern Baptist. I'm now a practicing Southern Decadent. Do you still like me?

Dale said...

Yay! I'm evil and probably hate CP! Sorry, the power of Christ compelled me to say that. As a recovering Catholic, I am more than happy to sign on for the CPC (Coaster Punchman Crusades) if required.

That's a strange and wonderful story.

Loook at Mary, she's sleeping or she's got another migraine.

lulu said...

I don't remember my comment word for word, but I think it was something about Catholicism as being a blue collar religion. The words "filling station money" might have been used. In my defense I'm pretty sure we were still in college, and in my neightborhood all the Catholics own filling-stations. (They also have plastic slipcovers on their couchs, but I think that has more to do with being Italian.)

Coaster Punchman said...

Beth, with that kind of transformation you are only moving in the right direction.

CPC - good one, Dale. I'll use that from now on if you don't mind.

Lu, I have no recollection of any of this. You must be confusing me with another one of your amazing friends.

Beth said...

I had to evolve, CP; I needed to dance.

PG rating said...

Frightening thought of the day, my mother was baptized before coming to America, except that I think they must have dunked her in some fetid wonton soup stock, because she certainly doesn't seem very cleansed...

Jacob's Mom said...

holy batman. I didn't see anything start on fire at a certain wedding in December 2003. :):):):):)