Katie Schwartz (who has a shit-ass funny blog), by way of Dale, tagged us all to answer some questions about movies. I wasn't smart enough to answer a few of them so I had to make some changes. Feel free to do the same, although on a recent survey I discovered that CPW readers have a median IQ of 168.
I also didn't answer the Jesus question because Katie pretty much already spoke my mind.
1. Popcorn or candy?
Definitely popcorn, because candy you can sneak in, unless you're in a superior theater that sells things you don't normally see in the stores like Black Crows.
Many of the theaters in Manhattan, especially the indies, pop their own corn fresh and serve it to you nice & hot. Some of them will even sell you a small bag that is not large enough to feed a Mormon family and three generations of their descendants.
2. Name a movie you've been meaning to see forever.
I've rented Eat Drink Man Woman about ten times and have never seen the whole thing from start to finish, because I always manage to fall asleep. I'd really like to get through the whole thing one day.
3. You are given the power to recall one Oscar: Who loses theirs and to whom?
I don't necessarily hold a grudge against Gwynneth Paltrow for winning on Shakespeare in Love, but I really think Cate Blanchett deserved it for Elizabeth. Therefore, if I ran across Gwynneth at a party or something, I would follow her home, break into her living room and snatch that statue for Cate faster than a whore would start to sweat in church.
4. Steal one costume from a movie for your wardrobe.
Anything from Caligula.
5. Your favorite film sex scene is....
The three-way in Y Tu Mama Tambien.
6. Invite five movie people over for dinner. Who are they? Why'd you invite them? What do you feed them?
Parker Posey. Christopher Guest. Fred Willard. Catherine O'Hara. Robert Downey Jr.
The first four have written and/or made some of my favorite films ever, and I just know the conversation would turn to the outrageous at some point. Then Parker and I would go off to the side and become better friends than everyone else in the room, and we would exchange secrets and criticize outfits. If we got bored, we could just watch Robert get drunk. I'd also install a hidden camera in the bathroom so that later we could see tapes of him doing lines off the toilet seat.
For dinner I would serve everyone their own falafel sandwich with extra hot sauce, a side of babaganoush and a seltzer. In Parker's honor.
7. What is the appropriate punishment for people who answer cell phones in the movie theater?
8. Choose a female bodyguard:
9. What's the scariest thing you've ever seen in a movie?
Children worshipping a cardboard cutout of George Bush in Jesus Camp. That fucking freaked me out. Also, since I am borderline retarded, I didn't know The Blair Witch Project was fake when I first saw it, so I just about shit my pants at the end.
10. Your favorite genre (excluding "comedy" and "drama") is....
Cringe movies. Movies where the people on the screen embarrass themselves to the point where you need to leave the room. Dawn Wiener's speech in front of the school assembly comes to mind, as well as the pharmacist who teared up because he didn't get to audition for Red White and Blaine.
11. You are given the power to greenlight movies at the studio of your choice for one year. How do you wield this power?
I would institute a secret rating system where proposed films get points added and subtracted on the following bases. The scripts with the highest scores would get made until the budget is used up. Everyone else would have to wait.
a. Is a musical +18
b. Could conceivably appear on Lifetime Television for Women +10
c. Involves at least one really good revenge moment +7
d. Kung fu or martial arts are involved -25
e. Gratuitous nudity: Female +5, Male +8, Michael Douglas -4
f. Stars Parker Posey +57
g. Is an indie film starring Tori Spelling or some other vacuous actor trying to be cutting edge and cool by not working with a major studio -58
h. Depicts a character played by Tori Spelling getting murdered by a character played by Kellie Martin +15
i. Depicts Tori Spelling actually getting murdered by Kellie Martin +97
j. Has multiple cringe moments +28
k. Thirteen year old geek boys are lined up to see this on opening day -11
l. Dialogue includes the lines "Everybody wants me for a friend or a fuck!" and "Let's have another look at yesterday's lunch, Heather!" +17
m. Plot involves "boy meets girl, girl hates boy, boy wins over girl" -37
n. Plot involves "boy meets boy, boy is shy about introducing him to his family, boy becomes an annoying, pathetic loser" -32
o. Plot involves "girl meets girl, girl starts in on her passive-aggressive deep lesbian process with girl, girl responds by knocking the living shit out of girl" +43
p. Would be George's first choice for a film -3
q. George would refuse to watch this while we're eating +9
r. Is basically a retelling of Not Without My Daughter +6
s. Is a full-length film based on a premise that originated in a 5-minute Saturday Night Live sketch -8
t. Is a live snuff film starring Karl Rove and George W. Bush as the victims +1,382
12. Samantha or Jeannie?
13. Is Gene Kelly annoying because it's obvious he was so full of himself and he was about 4'8"?
14. Who am I tagging to answer this survey?
Everyone is tagged, but I'd especially like to hear from Echo on this one. When he's done beating his wife, that is. (At least that's what it looked like through his kitchen window...)
1 hour ago