Monday, November 27, 2006

Hooray for Hollywood

Katie Schwartz (who has a shit-ass funny blog), by way of Dale, tagged us all to answer some questions about movies. I wasn't smart enough to answer a few of them so I had to make some changes. Feel free to do the same, although on a recent survey I discovered that CPW readers have a median IQ of 168.

I also didn't answer the Jesus question because Katie pretty much already spoke my mind.

1. Popcorn or candy?
Definitely popcorn, because candy you can sneak in, unless you're in a superior theater that sells things you don't normally see in the stores like Black Crows.

Many of the theaters in Manhattan, especially the indies, pop their own corn fresh and serve it to you nice & hot. Some of them will even sell you a small bag that is not large enough to feed a Mormon family and three generations of their descendants.

2. Name a movie you've been meaning to see forever.
I've rented Eat Drink Man Woman about ten times and have never seen the whole thing from start to finish, because I always manage to fall asleep. I'd really like to get through the whole thing one day.

3. You are given the power to recall one Oscar: Who loses theirs and to whom?
I don't necessarily hold a grudge against Gwynneth Paltrow for winning on Shakespeare in Love, but I really think Cate Blanchett deserved it for Elizabeth. Therefore, if I ran across Gwynneth at a party or something, I would follow her home, break into her living room and snatch that statue for Cate faster than a whore would start to sweat in church.

4. Steal one costume from a movie for your wardrobe.
Anything from Caligula.

5. Your favorite film sex scene is....
The three-way in Y Tu Mama Tambien.

6. Invite five movie people over for dinner. Who are they? Why'd you invite them? What do you feed them?
Parker Posey. Christopher Guest. Fred Willard. Catherine O'Hara. Robert Downey Jr.

The first four have written and/or made some of my favorite films ever, and I just know the conversation would turn to the outrageous at some point. Then Parker and I would go off to the side and become better friends than everyone else in the room, and we would exchange secrets and criticize outfits. If we got bored, we could just watch Robert get drunk. I'd also install a hidden camera in the bathroom so that later we could see tapes of him doing lines off the toilet seat.

For dinner I would serve everyone their own falafel sandwich with extra hot sauce, a side of babaganoush and a seltzer. In Parker's honor.

7. What is the appropriate punishment for people who answer cell phones in the movie theater?
Dry fisting.

8. Choose a female bodyguard:
Bea Arthur.

9. What's the scariest thing you've ever seen in a movie?
Children worshipping a cardboard cutout of George Bush in Jesus Camp. That fucking freaked me out. Also, since I am borderline retarded, I didn't know The Blair Witch Project was fake when I first saw it, so I just about shit my pants at the end.

10. Your favorite genre (excluding "comedy" and "drama") is....
Cringe movies. Movies where the people on the screen embarrass themselves to the point where you need to leave the room. Dawn Wiener's speech in front of the school assembly comes to mind, as well as the pharmacist who teared up because he didn't get to audition for Red White and Blaine.

11. You are given the power to greenlight movies at the studio of your choice for one year. How do you wield this power?
I would institute a secret rating system where proposed films get points added and subtracted on the following bases. The scripts with the highest scores would get made until the budget is used up. Everyone else would have to wait.

a. Is a musical +18

b. Could conceivably appear on Lifetime Television for Women +10

c. Involves at least one really good revenge moment +7

d. Kung fu or martial arts are involved -25

e. Gratuitous nudity: Female +5, Male +8, Michael Douglas -4

f. Stars Parker Posey +57

g. Is an indie film starring Tori Spelling or some other vacuous actor trying to be cutting edge and cool by not working with a major studio -58

h. Depicts a character played by Tori Spelling getting murdered by a character played by Kellie Martin +15

i. Depicts Tori Spelling actually getting murdered by Kellie Martin +97

j. Has multiple cringe moments +28

k. Thirteen year old geek boys are lined up to see this on opening day -11

l. Dialogue includes the lines "Everybody wants me for a friend or a fuck!" and "Let's have another look at yesterday's lunch, Heather!" +17

m. Plot involves "boy meets girl, girl hates boy, boy wins over girl" -37

n. Plot involves "boy meets boy, boy is shy about introducing him to his family, boy becomes an annoying, pathetic loser" -32

o. Plot involves "girl meets girl, girl starts in on her passive-aggressive deep lesbian process with girl, girl responds by knocking the living shit out of girl" +43

p. Would be George's first choice for a film -3

q. George would refuse to watch this while we're eating +9

r. Is basically a retelling of Not Without My Daughter +6

s. Is a full-length film based on a premise that originated in a 5-minute Saturday Night Live sketch -8

t. Is a live snuff film starring Karl Rove and George W. Bush as the victims +1,382

12. Samantha or Jeannie?

13. Is Gene Kelly annoying because it's obvious he was so full of himself and he was about 4'8"?

14. Who am I tagging to answer this survey?
Everyone is tagged, but I'd especially like to hear from Echo on this one. When he's done beating his wife, that is. (At least that's what it looked like through his kitchen window...)


Anonymous said...

you had me here until you start making fun of Robert Downey jr. He has been clean and sober for a while now and is working his ass off. Leave him alone ok. He has more talent than half of Hollywood and does not deserve to be made fun of like this. This is just meanspirited garbage. Do you laugh at all people struggling with addictions? must be cool to be so evolved and perfect.

Anonymous said...

I don't tell you enough that I find you hilarious. I love your wry wit and sense of humour. I always look forward to reading your posts!

Coaster Punchman said...

Sorry to offend, Anon. I'm trying really hard to make this a family-friendly webspace, but I myself have an addiction (to being mean) and I fall off the wagon repeatedly. About once a year I try to change and become a nice person, but then Mindy doesn't like me anymore.

Old Lady, thanks and right back atya baby.

Melinda June said...

I will answer this, as well, but I will say many of the same things, as you know.

Anonymous, in CP's defense, he is, in fact, doughy and non-descript when he's nice. Plus we have a strict policy, named after uber-wealthy recluse Eddie Vedder, violator in chief. Famous people have to be prepared for the general public examining every little aspect of their lives. It comes with the turf, and everyone knows it BEFORE they become famous. Don't want people making fun of your personal life? Fine. Give back the money, and go get a real job while you feed your passion for the stage with community theatre.

I love RDJ, too. In fact, I've been obsessively watching Home for the Holidays because he is utterly delightful.

Dale said...

I almost invited Parker Posey but I would have spent all my time having her explain that Pepsi commercial she did with Jimmy Fallon.

I LOVED your answers and question jiggering!

Grant Miller said...

Parker Posey and I already are the best of friends in my mind.

Creepy said...

Black licorice? Oh god, no. No way, no how.

But I will never, ever forget to turn off my cell phone before walking into a movie theater.

And Robert Downey Jr. is a tool.

jin said...

You probably don't know this about me (Why would you?) I have a 5 disc CD changer in the shoppe. 4 of the CD's get changed repeatedly, however, if anyone takes out the 5th CD they deal with ME! want to know what it is?
Party Girl Soundtrack, of COURSE!!!

P.S. I won't play this time. My answers could not even begin to live up to yours. You ROCK!

katie schwartz said...

shalom. daleish sent me your link today. my god, you are funny!

bea arthur as your bodyguard?! truly brilliant!


ps: thanks for the menschy words. where should I send my gratitude hooker?

Tenacious S said...

What happened to extra points for movies about abusive mothers and hangers?

jin said...

Ok...woman's prerogative to change her mind...I did it (Dale MADE me!!!) on unplugged.

Coaster Punchman said...

MJ, I forgot to mention that I actually do like RDJ, not that that excuses him from being made fun of at CPW. And Dale's been hawking "Home for the Holidays" lately which can only be good.

Dale, the question jiggering was actually your idea. I just took it a little further than anyone wanted me to.

Can I come over to your house, Grant?

Creepy, I respectfully beg to differ. Sometime try eating a bunch of black licorice and then note what colors occur when you relieve yourself. What's not to like about that?

Jin, glad you decided to play along. I've actually never heard the PG soundtrack - I will take a look.

Katie, my brazziere. You are a Goddess and just smutty enough to make you fit in over here. You can send the gratitude hooker over to Lulu's.

You know, Ten-S, you raise a very good point. My point system could probably go on quite a ways with all the criteria I missed, but you bring the most important one to the forefront. I'd give you an A if I were grading your finals.

Beth said...

I'm with you on the Cate Blanchett call, CP. And I am so coming to your dinner party; seat me next to Robert, okay?

p.s. Let's start our own movie studio; I like your rating system.

Bubs said...

I like that point system CP! And I've never thought of "cringe movies" as a genre, but I think you're really onto something there.

lulu said...

I get a hooker?


Tenacious S said...

I like getting A's. I'm still a teacher's pet wanna-be. I'm sick.

GrizzBabe said...

That scene from Y Tu Mama Tambien was hot but waaay to short. Just as it was starting to get good. I also felt that way about the movie's ending.

wonderturtle said...

CP, you are brilliant yet again. I about pooped from happiness reading your greenlight guidelines.

Anonymous said...

very interesting answers. I dont know enough about movies to understand them all

Coaster Punchman said...

Thanks Beth. I'd say "great minds think alike" but that's starting to sound trite.

Yes Bubs, I consider cringe movies to be just about the most important film category.

Yes, Lu. Let me know if he/she has any good lovemaking tips.

You're always welcome to be our pet over here, Ten-S.

Funny you mention that, Grizzbabe - that's exactly what I said during that scene to the friend I saw the movie with. He looked uncomfortable.

Wonderturtle, "pooping from happiness" is a phrase I may have to adopt from you. And I'm only brilliant because I know you.

Dino/Katy, well get yourself a Netflix subscription and get to work! :)

Anonymous said...

I think I've seen every movie Gael Garcia Bernal has done. Loved "Motorcycle diaries" and "Bad Education" and I really enjoyed the acting in "Y Tu Mama Tambien" . Not to mention Gael is so hot!

You should really finish watching "Eat Drink Man Women". Its a most excellent film.

Your answers were hysterical, I couldn't beat those if I tried! Dry Fisting someone with a cell phone in a movie theater ? Damn!

Coaster Punchman said...

Thanks Bluez, I agree totally about Gael. We just saw "Motorcycle Diaries" - what a totally awesome film. (Do I sound like an annoying 80s teenager?) I didn't know much about the life of Cesar Chavez before that.

Mombi said...

What would be the point ratio for involving any 1980s brat packers?

Just curious.

Coaster Punchman said...

Mombi, those would probably rank as well.

Anonymous said...

Can we agree on the following point distribution? I just want to know where we stand on this issue:

+14 for any brat packer who faded into oblivion
+5 for one who remained famous
-2 for any who grasped and clutched at stardom, only to wither away to a bloated shadow of their former self.

Because, you know... I wouldn't want you to slight anyone or play favorites.