Wednesday, September 13, 2006

CPW's Mormon Wednesdays: Jesus is White!

This is Mormon Jesus. He's white!

And now back to our regularly scheduled programming.

Today's Mormon lesson is on the whiteness of Jesus and His true followers! The Mormons originally taught that dark skinned people had something wrong with them spiritually. The Native Americans had strayed from God a few thousand years ago, resulting in their being given red skin. (Hmmm, red, maybe like SATAN?)

I'm not sure what it was specifically the Mormons taught about blacks, but it wasn't pretty. In fact, black people didn't get to hold the priesthood in Mormondom until 1977.

Yes, that would be 1977, folks.

And then blacks only got to start holding the priesthood in 1977 because the leader of the church, also known to Mormons as The Prophet, gets to make up the rules as he goes. The Mormons refer to this as the Prophet having a "revelation," but come on, who are we kidding here?

Some of you may tell me that what counts is that they got it right in the end! Shouldn't we be nicer to them because they finally came around?

Well, since I am currently The Prophet of CPW, I get to make up the rules of CPW as I go! The answer to your question, Gentle Readers, is NO. If your church is so fucking stupid that it took you until 1977 to start letting blacks in, you have no reason to be here. You need to go away.

And that's despite the
Celestial Underwear.

Amen.

26 comments:

blog Portland said...

At this rate, it'll be another 1,000 years before they green light coffee & hookers.

lesley said...

Is it me or does Mormon Jesus' head look way too small for his body? Does that mean they strive to be small-minded or something?

I have always been wildly curious about what the Mormon underwear looks like -- thanks for having a picture to clear that up!

lulu said...

He's totally Microcephalic Jesus.

Should we start calling you "The Prophet"? I think it's kinda catchy.

Dale said...

Coaster Prophetman, was Mormon Jesus on the 'roids? That neck looks powerful wide.

Beth said...

Hey, Coaster Prophet: I have a black-tie event on Saturday, and R.E.M. is performing. How can I score a hot pair of Mormon panties, so that I have that sexy feeling all night long?

Grant Miller said...

This may explain a lot, but I have mormon relatives. Not blood relatives though.

Megan said...

Well, it took as until 1954 to let them into our schools, so the Mormons weren't THAT far behind the times in the grand scheme of things. I really can't speak to the panties situation though.

Old Lady said...

Well, if Jesus was Jewish, let me see now...that would mean his appearance would be similar to those who are indigenious to the Middle Eastern countries, that would make him, um, has anyone noticed lately that the Caucasun gene pool has tightened to those of Northern European descent? Oh well, that another whole can of worms. Any way I would suspect that Jesus had a high volume of melanin in his pigmentation. Has anyone ever noticed that in church plays, that Mary usually has blonde hair and blue eyes?

I bow to the Prophet

Echo said...

Grand Inquisitor and Prophet Punchman, did you really say "Amen"??? Didn't you mean: Tonight! We ride!

jin said...

I worship you cp.

gizmorox said...

Have you ever seen the South Park episode about Joseph Smith's "revelation"? My freshman year college roommate was Mormon and let me tell you, they hit it spot on with the creepy nice family.

Not even the sexy Mormon underwear can make me not be scared of them.

Tenacious S said...

Mormon Jesus looks like he could take down William "The Fridge" Perry. You know, it is football season.

Katy said...

we have the mormons that ride their bikes and knock on your door. Well not on ours because the one time they did I opened the Door with Mac next to me and that kinda scared them. Wonder why she is such a good puppy. *grin*

they shot one of them down here when they knocked on someones door a while back.

I do like the TV show - Big Love I think its hilarious and gross at the same time. How come the woman can't have 3 husbands?

Tumuli said...

Exactly, man. But if given the chance, they'd probably revert to the previous stance. Bigots.

Jacob's Mom said...

Who woud have thunk?????

Coaster Punchman said...

Portland: Yes, but I think they may already allow strippers.

Lesley, Dale & Ten-S: Maybe the Mormon Jesus was spayed too soon, resulting in his pin-head? Someone told me the same thing happened to my cat, Betty.

Lu, OL, Jin: CP appreciates your thanks and praise.

Beth: REM + Mormon panties = heaven.

Grant Miller: Yes, it explains a lot. Especially your posing as a 15-year-old on the Internets.

Megan: You’re right about the grand scheme idea. Yet, as 1977 was in my very lifetime, it seems like too recent to have let blacks have the priesthood. I mean, wasn’t “Good Times” already on the TV?

Echo: I stand corrected. Tonight! We Ride! Or is it *Tonight! We Ride!*?

Gizmo: That “South Park” episode is one of my favorite things in life. I love it when Stan says “You know this story, and you STILL believe this?”

Katy: Do you mean they SHOT shot the Mormons, or as in shot insults at them? Either way, sounds good to me… Ok, maybe I don’t really advocate shooting people, at least most of the time.

Tumuli: Amen, brother. Oh, I mean Tonight! We Ride!

Sis: I guess I thunk it.

Old Lady said...

Did you blow up Unofficial?

Coaster Punchman said...

Echo knows not my awesome powers! I am holding The Unofficial Hostage until my demands are met! My demands currently include an unlimited supply of Jin's eclairs.... but I reserve the right to change them as I need.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!

CP

Dale said...

I don't like the sound of that laugh. But I do like the sound of eclairs.

Dale said...

Theme tune possibilities - Jesus Is Just All White With Me.

wonderturtle said...

So how does one qualify to become a priest of CPW?

Coaster Punchman said...

Never fear, Dale, Echo is back and strong as ever. Do you think we could get Jane Siberry to record the theme song?

That is a crucially important question, Wonderturtle. I will ponder it and compose an entirely new post on that topic.

CP

Dale said...

I'll contact Issa and see what her spirit guide Bessie the cow says on doing the theme tune CP.

Coaster Punchman said...

Oops, that's right - I forgot about the name change. Let me know what Issa and Bessie have to say.

CP

jin said...

Hahaha...eclairs...did you notice that I changed my profile description to include eclairs *wink*? LOL!!! Only the CPW readers know what that really means!!!

Edit: HAHAHAHA!!!! my first 3 letters for word veri: sin

We're all DOOMED!!!!!

katie schwartz said...

we all know jesus was a black, gay jew who would've had a nice asian boyfriend if he knew asia existed.

I love this post!!! mormondom. too funny, c-dawg.