Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Kristians of the Korn


The other night I went with George and our friend Oddrun to see Jesus Camp, a new documentary that explores the methods used by extreme Kristians* to indoctrinate their young children.

I want you all to go watch this movie immediately. However, I need to provide a disclaimer: there is not a single reader of this blog, or at least no reader I have interacted with, who will not be shocked and horrified by this film. I’m talking about bone chilling, spine tingling fear of what is happening on the screen in front of you. Just remember, Gentle Readers, this is the price we pay for opening our eyes to what is going on in the US. It is not pretty.

Although I have long been fascinated by the whole
Christian vs. Kristian phenomenon, this documentary was especially difficult to watch. I cringed almost the entire two hours we spent in the theater. And poor Oddrun. Whenever I looked over at her, she had her hand firmly cemented over her mouth – probably for fear that she would lose her lunch.

But the reaction-award of the evening goes to our beloved George. While Oddrun and I were squirming in our seats, feeling like we might need to leave the theater, George sat there in stony silence, his face pale and expressionless. At one point I leaned over and asked if he was OK.

“No,” he replied, whispering.

“I’m sorry. Is this just too much for you?”

“Yes.”

“It’s just so depressing, right?”

“No.”

“Oh. Well, do you feel sick or something?” I felt his forehead.

“No.”

“Well what is it, then?” I asked.

His deadpan reply:


“I thought we were seeing a movie about kids who go to church. You didn’t tell me it was 'The Making of
Children of the Corn.'”


I started giggling and could not stop for the next twenty minutes. Kind of ruined the end of the film for me, but it was the funniest thing he’s said to me in our nine years together. He deserves some credit for that.




*Glossary for new CPW members:

Christian (noun): One who professes belief in the teachings of Jesus Christ. Example: “Now that CP sure behaves like a good Christian! He helps the poor and feeds the hungry!”

Kristian (noun): A crazy ass religious fanatic who claims to be Christian but whose words, actions and beliefs bear no resemblance to anything even remotely related to Jesus Christ. Example: “To hell with the hungry! Let God take care of them! Us Kristians are gunna go hang us sum Christ-killers & homosexuals! Or at least make sure they cain’t get no health insurance. Yee haw!”

37 comments:

Anonymous said...

wow I didn't know thats what they are called. I am agnostic and try to stay as far aways from organized religion than possible. I don't think I could handle that movie based on your describtion - I don't watch horrormovies and it sure sounds like one. The scariest being its real

Coaster Punchman said...

You're right, it certainly was a horror movie. Oh, and "Kristian" is just a CP trademark so I wouldn't have expected you to know it. But we're spreading the Word!

Anonymous said...

I don't think I can see that. It will make me too fucking angry to function. Can't they arrest those crazy Kristians for child abuse or something?! Shouln't there be a law that kids HAVE to be exposed to multiple viewpoints?

Coaster Punchman said...

I still think you should see it, Megan. It's almost like you can't even believe how bad it really is until you actually see it.

Dale said...

I'm scared just seeing the trailer and videos on their website. George is a wise and funny man.

lulu said...

I am a fraid that if I see it it will turn my strong dislike of Kristians into outright hate, and then I will be no better than they are, right?

Plus, I'm too damn depressed about the world to watch anything that is going to lower my faith in mankind even further.

Coaster Punchman said...

No Lu, I actually am going to insist that you go see this. This is more than about disliking Kristians. You need to see for yourself exactly what these people are doing.

There is this scene with a life size cutout of George Bush, and... oh, God, I can't even tell you.

Coaster Punchman said...

You're right to be scared, Dale. I know you have a few crazies up there, but I don't know if it could be anything like this. You'll have to be the judge.

Bubs said...

Excellent and succinct explanation of the difference between Christians and Kristians, C.P.

I've always found it telling that the folks you call Kristians seem to spend a lot more time quoting the most bloodthirsty parts of the Old Testament than they do quoting from the New. They always work up a righeous anger over public displays of the 10 Commandments, but they never say much about the Beatitudes.

And George's Children of the Corn comment was brilliant.

Coaster Punchman said...

Thanks Bubs. I agree on all counts.

Tumuli said...

Have wasted too much time in what appeared to be a never-ending rehash of the movie, "Saved," I witnessed first-hand some of these people in action. "Traumatizing" is an understatement.

jin said...

O M G !!!

That explains it!!!
That's why I HATE them so much!
All the 'christians' that I know are really 'Kristians'!!!

I am SO getting behind that terminology & spreading it. In fact...I may even create fliers.

Unfortunately, we usually don't get films like this playing here. It takes a trip to Milwaukee (about a 90 min. drive) & I really do HATE Milwaukee. Driving. Parking. Mugging. Ugh. I'll take downtown Chicago over Milwaukee anytime.
Hmmm...maybe Milwaukee is full of 'Kristians'?

Coaster Punchman said...

I love "Saved!" Tumuli. Sorry you had to live it, though.

Thanks for getting behind the new terminology, Jin. And it sounds like it's about time for you guys to have a weekend away (or a mid-week fake weekend) in Chicago. Do it! And see the movie while you're there. Or maybe if you're on vacation you'd rather do something more pleasurable, like have your fingernails pulled out by their roots.

Tenacious S said...

This makes me sad and scared.

Creepy said...

Great post. Evangelicals (Kristians) run this country now, and despite claiming to worship Jesus they don't exactly follow his preaching. I don't recall Christ saying "Screw the poor, hungry, and everyone else who isn't white, American and straight." Look out for the Crusades 2.0, coming soon to a state near you.

Old Lady said...

George is great! I have seen a newspot on this. Wednesday is my favorite day with you. I have a lot of strange beliefs, one is I do not believe in religion. I worship inside myself.

Martin said...

LOL, I loved George's comment! That is too much. Normally, not my type of movie, but I have to see the movie now. Cheers, Martin

Coaster Punchman said...

Ten-S, rightfully so. We need to take back this religion

Creepy, no kidding. Go see the movie.

I like that Old Lady. Maybe my new belief will be not to believe in beliefs.

Martin, I know you're a Christian and not a Kristian, so I'd love to hear your comments on the film if & when you see it. I don't know whether Willow Creek has gotten that bad or not. I'm pretty sure there are some Christians who attend there, but there may be a few Kristians there too. I think we will find at least one or two Kristians in any church, but they're a vast minority in any church I choose to attend.

Beth said...

I need to see this film; I think it opens in Atlanta this weekend. I was raised a Southern Baptist, but the Religious Right's hijack of all things Jesus have turned me against the denomination. I'm starting to explore different faiths and ideas ... so this fits into my autumn explorations.

And hug George for the brilliant comment.

Coaster Punchman said...

Happy exploring! I'd be curious to hear your reaction to the film.

Chris said...

Hey-I have been meaning to look at your blog for a while now and to see that this is at the top makes me glad I did. You might also like to take a look at a documentary called "Hell House" (out on DVD)about a fundamentalist haunted house in Texas. Your description of a "Kristian" is spot on.

Grant Miller said...

Amen!

gizmorox said...

Oh now I have to see it. I've witnessed many levels of religious insanity in my years (Mormons, anyone?) but this sounds like a whole new level.

Coaster Punchman said...

Chris, "Hell House" is awesome. Just one step below "Jesus Camp" in intensity. I especially liked the girl who portrayed the pregnant teenager.

Coaster Punchman said...

Grant, I don't know if you're up to date with the Unofficial, but the phrase is actually Tonight! We Ride!

Although I don't really know what that means.

Coaster Punchman said...

Gizmo, if you want Mormons, have I got a treat for you! Just search my blog with the phrase "Mormon Wednesdays" and (I hope) you'll get some good hits. Or maybe you've already seen them which is why you bring it up. I don't know. Remember, I'm borderline retarded.

Bubs said...

Hell House is LESS intense than Jesus Camp? Whew! That's saying something. I really appreciate your heads-up on Jesus Camp. I act as the nut filter for the rest of my family--fearlessly consuming rightwing talk radio, internet conspiracy sites and fundamentalist broadcasting so they don't have to.

Echo said...

In response to the Talibangelists, I will now begin filming your actions at the Unofficial for my new documentary coming out in December: GEWs for GESUS Camp.

It captures the fanatical followers of proper grammar in the early stages of their rise to power.

Tonight! We sail!

Dale said...

Echo, I'll pay good money to watch your documentary. Hell, I'll pay bad money. Maybe I shouldn't say hell. The Talibangelists made me do it.

Tonight! We pray!

Coaster Punchman said...

Echo, remember I'm not a member of Gews for Gesus; I'm the founder of the breakaway group Lu's for Cheeses. Important distinction. Hey, are you taking place in the Little Miss Sunshine Online Pageant tomorrow?

Dale, what happened to the Ninja things?

Dale said...

They're still around CP but with the Talibangelists, I'm using duck and cover techniques just in case. Or, I was bored and changed it.

Coaster Punchman said...

Well the yellow flower guitar fits in well with your Bobby Brady-Ma Vie En Rose-Scout twelve year old persona!

Coaster Punchman said...

Bubs, you are indeed a brave soul. Though I have to ask - there are two different pics that show up as your avatars - does one of them signify Mizz Bubs?

Sighend,
Confused Punchman

Dale said...

But would Shelley Duvall play the guitar? I may have to change it again. Bastard.

gizmorox said...

CP - I had a Mormon roommate in college. It was scary. But I will definitely search for "Mormon Wednesdays", sounds like a bag of fun.

katie schwartz said...

you HAVE GOT TO SEE, hellhouse. it's a brilliant documentary about one lovely pastor in colorado who instils the fear of god in children on halloween night.

I am running like a dawg to see christian camp.

love, love, love george's comment. so funny!

Big Orange said...

fucking genius. absolutely fucking genius. I am so totally pinching this.