Saturday, October 21, 2006
Language of the Richards
Legacy CPW members may recall earlier discussions of my brother Rich and some of the stress he causes my family. Today I would like to share more information about my esteemed brother Rich, and his hero, our Uncle Richard.
We didn't get to see my mom's brother Richard all that often - maybe once every other year at most. Oddly enough, my brother Rich took after our uncle in all ways possible. They shared the same name. They looked alike. They talked alike. They had the same mannerisms. They were both raging alcoholics. They even had similar handwriting. It was downright strange.
(The description above is written in the past tense because Uncle Richard passed away a few years ago, on account of his alcoholism.)
Uncle Richard was a career Navy man, so my brother Rich couldn't wait to join up the second my parents allowed it, which was at age 17 since it was the only way they were going to get him to finish high school. Unlike our uncle though, Rich only stayed in the service for five years. My mom, in her never-ending quest to make excuses for my poorly behaved brother, insists that his penchants for meanness, foul language and alcoholism stemmed from his years in the service.
Anyway, I didn't intend to get into a full fledged compare/contrast exercise regarding my brother and uncle, other than to point out that they were two peas in a pod. There were some important differences, such as my uncle's willingness to remain employed, support his family and not rely on his relatives for handouts. But we're not going there right now.
Today I just wanted to share with you a few memorable quotes uttered by either my uncle or my brother. This exercise will take place in the form of a quiz, but the answers don't really matter because most of them are interchangeable.
BROTHER RICH OR UNCLE RICHARD?
1. "I never iron anything. I just take it down to the Chinaman on the corner."
2. "Faggot shoes." (in reference to the Sperry Topsider trend of the early 1980s)
3. "What's an albino, you ask? It's like a nigger who's white."
4. "I don't like faggots."
5. "That bitch Hillary Clinton should be gang raped."
6. "Can't anyone take a fucking joke around here?"
7. "He's black, but he thinks he's white."
8. "I don't know why that Dago faggot doesn't just boink that bitch." (in reference to Tony Danza and Judith Light in Who's the Boss?)
9. "Alcohol is just another drug. Might as well be smoking crack."
10. "They're insulting my wife. I take offense to that."
Answers revealed whenever I feel like it. Probably by Monday.