Saturday, October 21, 2006

Language of the Richards

Legacy CPW members may recall earlier discussions of my brother Rich and some of the stress he causes my family. Today I would like to share more information about my esteemed brother Rich, and his hero, our Uncle Richard.

We didn't get to see my mom's brother Richard all that often - maybe once every other year at most. Oddly enough, my brother Rich took after our uncle in all ways possible. They shared the same name. They looked alike. They talked alike. They had the same mannerisms. They were both raging alcoholics. They even had similar handwriting. It was downright strange.

(The description above is written in the past tense because Uncle Richard passed away a few years ago, on account of his alcoholism.)

Uncle Richard was a career Navy man, so my brother Rich couldn't wait to join up the second my parents allowed it, which was at age 17 since it was the only way they were going to get him to finish high school. Unlike our uncle though, Rich only stayed in the service for five years. My mom, in her never-ending quest to make excuses for my poorly behaved brother, insists that his penchants for meanness, foul language and alcoholism stemmed from his years in the service.

Yeah, right.

Anyway, I didn't intend to get into a full fledged compare/contrast exercise regarding my brother and uncle, other than to point out that they were two peas in a pod. There were some important differences, such as my uncle's willingness to remain employed, support his family and not rely on his relatives for handouts. But we're not going there right now.

Today I just wanted to share with you a few memorable quotes uttered by either my uncle or my brother. This exercise will take place in the form of a quiz, but the answers don't really matter because most of them are interchangeable.



1. "I never iron anything. I just take it down to the Chinaman on the corner."

2. "Faggot shoes." (in reference to the Sperry Topsider trend of the early 1980s)

3. "What's an albino, you ask? It's like a nigger who's white."

4. "I don't like faggots."

5. "That bitch Hillary Clinton should be gang raped."

6. "Can't anyone take a fucking joke around here?"

7. "He's black, but he thinks he's white."

8. "I don't know why that Dago faggot doesn't just boink that bitch." (in reference to Tony Danza and Judith Light in Who's the Boss?)

9. "Alcohol is just another drug. Might as well be smoking crack."

10. "They're insulting my wife. I take offense to that."

Answers revealed whenever I feel like it. Probably by Monday.


Dale said...

Nice. I know these people.

My mother says that if she hadn't rescued my father by marrying him, he'd have been an alcoholic like some of his siblings. Now some of mine seem to be undiagnosed alchies too. I don't mind having a few drinks but I shy away generally. Heroin's better for you right?

Melinda June said...

My guesses are:

1. Uncle
2. Brother
3. Brother
4. Uncle
5. Uncle
6. Brother
7. Brother
8. Uncle
9. Uncle
10. Brother

Anonymous said...

Well, he does have a point about Tony Danza & Judith Light.

Bubs said...

CP it's great you have some perspective and can write about it. Whew. I'm not sure I should participate in this exercise, but here goes...

1) Uncle
2) Brother
3) Uncle
4) Uncle
5) Brother
6) Brother
7) Uncle
8) Uncle
9) Brother
10) Brother

Coaster Punchman said...

Dale, not sure, never tried heroin. My friends won't allow me to try any drug based on the way I've behaved on the wacky tobaccy. Future blog entry I suppose.

Min & Bubs, funny! Answers revealed soon. I'm waiting for my sister to take the quiz!

Slippers, you are too much.

jin said...

All I can say is those 'faggot' references are just MEAN!!!
I am sincerely hoping those were not said in your presence...if so, do you have a good right hook?

Coaster Punchman said...

What do you mean Jin? You calling me a faggot? You better watch it Missy, or Mama Gin will be paying you a visit!

Molecular Turtle said...

It's really strange to see how much people can differ within one family. It's one of those cartoon episodes where one is the evil child. As for the quiz lets see B is for brother U is for uncle

Anonymous said...

Some people are working (functioning) alcoholics-Like me. Everytime I got addicted to some form of mood enhancer or another, I just kept on keeping on. I was straight at work and blasted after. But I did show my ass from time to time. I white knuckled my way out of everything-or outgrew it. I have moments that I crave whacky baccy though.

Coaster Punchman said...

MT: thanks for taking the quiz. Answers will be up soon.

Old Lady, I have no problem with functioning alcoholics, especially when they don't shun their responsibilities or make everyone else's life a living hell. I would put my dad in that category. The man likes a drink, and doesn't always know when to slow down until it's too late. But he does these things in an appropriate setting and doesn't get belligerent or disruptive. I don't have a problem with that. And anyone who reads my blog with any regularity certainly knows I'm no teetotaler!

Jacob's Mom said...

1) Uncle
2) Rich
3) Rich
4) Rich
5) Rich
6) Rich
7) Uncle-same as #3
8) Uncle/Rich
9) Rich
Actually I'd say all Rich but I heard Uncle make some of those remarks when I was much younger. Such lovely memories. :(:(:(:(:(:(
Why Rich looked up to a drunk racist I will never know. And it was the Marines that corrupted my sweet innocent brother Rich...Riiiiiight and I am Roseann Barr's stunt double!!

Coaster Punchman said...

Ok everybody, here are the answers. A few of you came very close, but no one got 100%.

1. Uncle - this kind of remark was part of his standard repertoire. No one could ever be simply a member of a particular ethnicity - it always had to have some Archie Bunker slant to it.

2. Brother. He was SUCH an asshole when we were younger. (This is the part where George would say "WAS???")

3. Brother. Thanks to my lovely brother, I thought "nigger" was the appropriate word for African-Americans until my dad heard me say it and nearly knocked me all the way to China. This particular quote was from when Rich was showing me his school class picture, which included an albino African-American child.

4. Brother, explaning why he beat up one of my other brother's gay friends.

5. Uncle. Raging Republican.

6. Both. Usually uttered after saying something wildly inappropriate, which was generally every other sentence.

7. Brother, in reference to an African-American man at work that Rich claimed to be good friends with. I assured Rich that this gentleman was likely well aware of his non-whiteness.

8. Uncle. What else can I say about this one?

9. Uncle, right before a brief period of sobriety. He returned to the bottle upon the death of his wife.

10. Both. Like Uncle Richard, my brother married a complete moron who is such an easy target that it's almost impossible not to insult her.

Thanks for playing, everybody!

Creepy said...

Didn't "that dago faggot" eventually "boink that bitch?" I think I remember them hooking up.

Coaster Punchman said...

You are correct, Creepy. I guess he got his wish.

Anonymous said...

I totally agree with you! I feel close to your stories because I went through similar public displays of showing asses with my family. I was always trying to keep brothers, sisters, mothers, aunts, fathers, stepmothers at peace with one another. So many families, so many posts!

Old Lady (I am having trouble logging in!)

Beth said...

I feel dirty just reading them. And, sadly, I know a few who say similar things ... and they're not alcoholics.

Grant Miller said...

Family reunions must be a blast!

Coaster Punchman said...

Old Lady, I am not familiar with this expression "showing asses." Since I'm too lazy to look it up on Wikipedia or Urban Dictionary, would you care to elaborate?

Beth, unfortunately you do not have exclusive access to the nation's rednecks down south, as some would have us believe.

Oh they are, Grant, as you witnessed personally through the Wisconsin Dells series this summer. Nothing but warm & fuzzy with us, yep.

Melinda June said...

I'd like to point out that if I get 1 point for each correct answer (and the total is 12 since there were two "both" answers), that I scored 9. That's 75%. Not bad.

Everything's marked with me these days.

Coaster Punchman said...

I would say you get 90% because you only got one wrong answer out of 10 (#4.) For either of the "Both" questions you get credit for either Uncle or Brother.

Dale said...

I got them all right, I just didn't write them out. Anyone buy that?

Anonymous said...

Oh gosh, I'm sorry! It means to act up, misbehave, usually in public. An adult temper tantrum.

kiss kiss!

Anonymous said...

Will you stop kidnapping Echo!

Anonymous said...

Jesus Christ! And I thought MY family was fucked up.

Tumuli said...

I was unable to guess who said what, as offended as I was by the majority of the comments.

Anonymous said...

isn't family grand? Unfortunalty we can't pick them as we can our friends.

Anonymous said...

Okay, did Echo kidnap you?

Coaster Punchman said...

Still here...was out of town for the weekend. Will try to think of something hilarious and relevant to post....soon.

No Dale, you are lying. I can see it in your typing.

Old Lady, thanks for the new phrase.

Megan, I'm sure your family is still plenty fucked up. Just look a little harder.

Don't feel bad Tumuli, no one got 100% anyway.

I still pick my family, Katy. I pick the ones I still talk to.