Thursday, April 19, 2007

Annoying Things My Sales Reps Do and Say to Me: Jane

Jane: Tom, are you available on the 18th to go on some appointments?

Tom: That depends. I have to sell half a million this quarter, so I can only afford to go on appointments that will have a significant payout - twelve thousand at the bare minimum. Have you spoken with these people before? Do you know what exactly they are interested in?

Jane: Don't worry, I can get the appointments. If you're not available on the 18th, what other days that week are you available?

Jane, if you don't start answering my direct questions when I ask them, I swear to God I will never speak to you again. And then I will kill you with my bare hands.




jin said...

Well, here's the deal:
I need to start making an exlax type cake for those days when people like you need a break from people like them. Give them the cake the night before & you're FREEEEE for the entire day after.
What I need from you:
Some sort of written legal disclaimer that I can put on the package very very very discreetly so neither myself nor my customer will get in trouble!!!

Deal? could always just make a batch of brownies & add a bag of finely ground wild lettuce (loose herb) from any health food store to mellow out EVERYONE in the office.

(No, I havent tried this personally, but I have it on very good authority that it does work.)

Writeprocrastinator said...

Jane: Don't worry, I can get the appointments. If you're not available on the 18th, what other days that week are you available?

Coaster: Um, the "twelfth."

Jane: So, May is good?

Coaster: No, the "twelfth of Never" is fine.

Coaster Punchman said...

Jin, these sales people are some kind of non-human adroid; I doubt they even eat. We need something more along the lines of, oh, a nuclear explosion.

But tell me more of this herb. Are you saying it's like a legal pot brownie?

Nice, Write - and maybe if I just hum the tune that Donny Osmond sang she'll get the fucking clue. Naaah.

Tenacious S said...

You and Mr. Ten S seem to have the same problem these days. His stories sound awfully similar to yours. Last night's story was that they wanted him to deliver a huge document next week and travel all week. Both things are URGENT!!!!!

Coaster Punchman said...

Sales people have no boundaries, Ten-S. It's a proven fact. Whether or not they have souls is debatable, but I know which side I'm leaning toward.

lulu said...

Ah Grinfuckers--at least my job doesn't have those problems.

I'm not sure what you can do, although it seems like everyone wants a piece of you, somaybe you should jus toffer yourself to the highest bidder. "I am available for sales calls this day, who has the biggest piece of business to tempt me with?"

Exlax brownies are really east to make, just use extra chocolate to cover the taste

Coaster Punchman said...

So now I've got two of you suggesting the old ExLax brownie experiment... hmmmm....

Beth said...

Jane is a prime candidate for a throttling.

Melinda June said...

Go to the meeting. And then fart loudly and then wave your hand in front of your face and say "WHEW! That's a ripe one!" Or lean back in your chair and scratch your balls in an exaggerated, lingering manner. Or look at her and laugh partway through the presentation and say, "Shit, Jane, you're a fucking cunt." Then when she bitches, tell her you don't bring manners for less than $20K.

Coaster Punchman said...

What is a "throttling," Beth? Isn't that a special kind of ass whooping?

Nice, Min. Your Mama obviously raised you right.

jin said...

An old ex-hippy friend of mine that doesn't drink or do drugs anymore swears by the wild lettuce. I've not tried it myself (don't know if I want to? lol) ... if I want a buzz I just eat a handful of dark belgian coins & have 2 double espressos.

I will have a new customer from hell story coming up soon...but I'm dying to spoil it for you because I'm POSITIVE she is a Kristian!!!
She booked a wedding cake w/ us months ago. I met with her & her Mom, they loved my work. She called today when I was out & told my Mom she's cancelling her wedding cake order with us because she read my blog & found a "swear word".
Can you fucking believe that shit? (oopsy...there I go again! ;-)
She actually forfeited her $100.00 down payment because she doesn't want a person who 'uses swear words' to make her wedding cake.

Coaster Punchman said...

Wow Jin. I bet your swearing would only be the tip of the iceberg. What if she figured out you were a pagan who socializes with homosexuals? She'd probably have you lynched.

Beth said...

Melinda June is my corporate hero.

chelene said...

I've had that happen to me several times. It always makes me wonder if I mistakenly used my inside voice despite the fact that I felt my lips moving.

Coaster Punchman said...

I know Beth, she's actually a hero all around.

Chelene, now I'm giggling. It's really not very manly.

"jew" "girl" said...

I adore you so, amanda!!

Coaster Punchman said...

Thanks Katie - unfortunately I've been more Alison than Amanda in this gig so far - with the drinking, whining, & everything. I think there's a new sheriff in town, though.

Grant Miller said...

Have you killed before?